The Pain you Stain
by littleyellowchrysanthemum
Summary: Futurefic!Blaine finds pictures on Kurt's email of a man in comprising positions leaving Blaine devastated. How will Blaine trust Kurt again and deal with their tough family issues as well? Will Klaine be done for good? Rated M for future swearing, smut, domestic violence, and self harm- and a possible divorce?
1. Chapter 1

A/N- I hope you enjoy my story. This is sort of an introduction of the characters and setting and such. Blaine's doing his pov but in later chapters it might not have pov or it will have different povs depending on the chapter. I think there will be like 15 chapters and such but only time will tell.

Disclaimer-I don't own glee but I do own my guinea pig who keeps trying to jump off my bed!

_Chapter__One_

I never believed in fate or destiny as a kid. I thought it was some made up baloney parents and teachers told us when we found a dollar on the street or we finally found someone to love. I never believed in that at all because a chain of events that lead to a final moment that was somewhat pleasing and surprising seemed quite stupid. My beliefs in fate all changed one day the day I met Kurt. It was on a staircase at Dalton and Kurt trying to pass his makeshift disguise as a Dalton uniform but failed terribly. I did not also believe at love at first sight when I was a kid so meeting Kurt defiantly didn't bring any loving feelings rushing to my head. Only until later my oblivion finally came to clue when I saw Kurt sing Blackbird. All of a sudden his blue eyes were a wave of sparking periwinkles, seas foam, and Dior gray while his perfectly coiffed hair was, in my eyes, vibrant and had a such a color to it I couldn't describe. It finally hit me that the 'one' did not have blonde hair or even have boobs but all along it was my best friend, Kurt. Good hearted, witty, brilliant Kurt. At the moment I realised that Kurt was something more than a friend. For months I took for granted the strength of Kurt and when I finally saw Kurt for something more the first thing that popped in my head that made me recognize Kurt was other "Wow, Kurt has a sweet ass." Yeah, it is kind of funny and naive now that I think back to it.

Afterward I found Kurt decorating Pavarotti's coffin with glue on sequins in the common room. Kurt could not have looked more stunning in the Dalton academy black cardigan. He is actually one of the few Dalton students who can pull it off and not look like his shoulders are too wide. I was so nervous when I was talking to him.

I was thinking before I told Kurt how felt was "Holy shit Blaine get your act together! You have conversed with Kurt thousands of times! How is it any different?" Oh wait I thought back to myself, you are finally admitting your feelings! When I told Kurt my piece about my feelings, I was not going to kiss him but his lips and eyes were so intoxicating. The kiss was minding blowing and perfect. I thought he didn't like it much because for the first couple seconds he didn't kiss me back until a second late bam he brought some power to that spark filled kiss. After that the rest was history, we had are major ups and we had a few downs. Kurt was so pissed when he found out about my friend Sebastian, also a gay, who Kurt thought was just like Santana. I totally didn't believe him and thought that Sebastian was a good guy. It was only until a month later Sebastian kissed me and I shoved him away. "Blaine, baby, Kurt's not here. Its not like you'll tell him right? We got a thing going on!", smirked Sebastian.

I wonder how than I couldn't believe Kurt about Sebastian. He was always right and when I told Kurt about that kiss I expected rage or drama but all I got was a " I told you so." And a forgiving smile. I knew from that day that he was the one.

Kurt left for New York to go to NYADA after high school and waited a year for me to go to New York. I went to NYU to study Double Major in English and music theory. After four years at NYU I went to teachers college and graduated top of my class. Kurt was so proud of me and as was I because he was the successful writer and star of his own musical called 'Glee'. We lived from the start of my freshman year together in a apartment with Rachel in New York until she moved out after graduation to go back to Lima with Finn. Kurt and I lived in New York for I was twenty-two and Kurt was twenty- three. On Kurt's twenty- third birthday I took him out to eat at his favourite romantic restaurant. I was finally planning to propose to him after I called Burt.

The call was less scary than I thought it would.

" Hello?" Carole answered.

" Oh..hi Cariole is Burt there by any chance?" I asked nervously.

" Yeah Blaine he is right here. Do you want to talk to him?"

" That would be great, thanks."

" Okay, here's Burt. Bye Blaine talk to you later hon."

" Bye Carole, pleasure talking."

There was a lot of muffle speaking than emerged a clearer voice. " Hello, Blaine. How are you and Kurt. Everything fine in New York."

" Yeah… Kurt's great and so is New York. I was wondering if I could ask Kurt to marry me, but I wanted to ask you first." I think after I said that I heard a crash, a couple curses in the back, and a lot of talking I could not make out.

"Burt , you here?" I started smiling at the chaos happening over there.

"Yeah I am here Blaine. I never thought I here those words come out of your mouth so early!" My smile faltered.

"Blaine over the seven years you guys were together I never thought that you were the wrong man for Kurt. You were there for him through all his struggles and vice versa for you as well. I would be honoured to call you my son and law."

I smiled so wide at that response "Really? Thank you Burt ! I am proud to call my father in law."

Though I never did see Burt during our phone call, I swear I knew he was smiling. From there it was history, Kurt and I had a small wedding before we left New York with Kurt and his family including New Direction and my father and mother came as well. My father and I resolved our differences and became very close to one another. Three months after our wedding, Kurt and I moved back to Ohio in Westerville and started our life together.

I have a job at OSU teaching music theory and Kurt got a job teaching French at McKinley. Soon after me and Kurt adopted our first child, Joshua when we were both twenty – five Kurt on the brink of turning twenty- six. Joshua was born May 23rd 2019 in Canada, but Kurt and I adopted him in 2021. Kurt was so funny because he wanted to rename our adopted son Toronto after his birthplace, but after much convincing agreed on Joshua. In 2023, Kurt and I adopted another son named Nathan who came from Italy and got him at age one. They were the most beautiful things I have ever laid eyes on next to Kurt of course. Joshua had light brown hair that was at a medium length with gray eyes and he was also quite lean and very smart. Nathan has short, brown hair but is a mixture of waves and curls and he has the cutest smile I have ever seen. Kurt and I adopted because we believe there are kids in need of a good home and reproducing would not help that crisis.

We now live in a large suburban house in Westerville and it has four bedrooms, wooden floors, and a nice manicured garden. Its now 2029 and Joshua is now ten and Nathan is seven. Kurt and I have since left the days of our youth and were at the old age of thirty- five and thirty- six. We have our good days and are bad days dealing with homophobia but lately were having more good days. We still have contact with our family and some of New Directions. Rachel and Finn got married to and live down the street with their 7 year old daughter, Phoebe.

It was the perfect life I thought for my family or that's what I thought until I came in contact with Kurt's email box on a Friday night. After that day our family's lives would never stay the same.

A/N Remember to review! The more reviews the more likely a new chapter tomorrow or Saturday!


	2. Chapter 2

A/N Hey again! Sorry for updating so late in the day but I couldn't because on account of my sister and I cleaning the our entire house. I hope you this chapter! I was so happy about the comments I received and the favourites! By the way sorry for any confusion of the title I changed it so the new title could be called The Pain you stain. Okay well enough of me so enjoy the newest chapter !

Disclaimer- I don't own glee but I did buy season one!

I stood among the class of seventy students behind my podium and declared "Okay class listen, remember that paper on Music : Through the ages of 1900's that was to be due on Monday is now due on Tuesday."

The class cheered , as I smiled and waved my arm down to stop the noise, " Okay, Okay. Sorry we can't go further in the history of wind instruments, but like I said in the beginning of class I have important business and I must cut it short. Have a great weekend!"

I collected my things and ducked out of the room. Okay the truth was I didn't have an important meeting. I was letting the class out early, but it still is very important. It was Kurt and I's wedding anniversary today. I felt a little guilty leaving the class, but not enough to stop me. Lately I have been coming home later and later. It was those damn students in my class asking for after school help. Most of the kids really didn't need help. Most of the time the girls who were phenomenal in my class still stayed after class for help even though I know they were trying to woo me or something. I kind of think it's funny, while Kurt thinks it is going to be another Sebastian situation again. I told him not to fret cause it was just frat girls.

The real situation here was the fact that Kurt and I have not been intimate or at least around each other for some time now. I partly blame myself on this because of me coming late every night for the past eight weeks. Every night I come home, Kurt is either out with Rachel or upstairs asleep. On the weekends is just a madman's routine. On Saturdays Kurt does the laundry and vacuums while cleaning the bathrooms, while I escape the house to watch Josh play basketball for two hours and afterward I go and sit with the other dads as we watch our seven year olds kick around a ball and pick flowers on the soccer field. I come home around 3 o'clock and Kurt is out doing the grocery shopping. Around six is when I finish cooking dinner and Kurt is home from doing errands. Our usual dinner conversation is revolved around either one of son's day.

After dinner Kurt and I have our own conversation, usually resulting in us watching The Notebook and drinking wine possibly leading to sex . Nowadays our conversations doesn't flow well. For example, a couple nights ago I looked up at Kurt while he was scrubbing cheese off a plate,

" How was your day , honey?" He barley looked up last night to meet my eyes.

"It was fine." He sounded so bored and I guess it was the wrong move , but all I wanted was to feel close to him. I put my hands on his hips and whispered in his ear all sensual, " I'll make your night better than just fine."

Usually when I put my hands firmly on his hips or thighs, Kurt turns around and say's "How you going to do that?" than I would kiss than of course it would lead to making love. Last night was different. Last night Kurt yelled in a harsh tone, I almost never hear from him.

" No Blaine, I am not it the mood!" He scowled and shoved my hands away and concentrated even harder on removing mozzarella cheese with a unsoapy j-cloth.

I retorted right back, " Sorry if want to be intimate with my husband."

Confused, I looked at my husband and he looked at me with the same upset look. " What's got your panties in a twist? Is it that lasagne because if t is, I can take over dishes duty."

Kurt looked exhausted and impatient, but still answered the question. " It's not a 'what' but more of 'who," glaring at me. " You have been gone all this time for the past eight weeks at work, coming home real late in the night. I haven't had a real conversation with you in two weeks! Hell, when was the last time you gave me a kiss good bye or even good night? Not to mention our pathetic excuse of a sex life. Just don't fucking talk to me Blaine, the rest of the night!"

Kurt shouted and was so frustrated he slammed the soapy dish in the sink and walked out of the kitchen. I stood their dumbfound at what Kurt just unloaded on me. Never have I heard such things come from Kurt and I had to admit they really stung. Yeah it was slightly true about half the things Kurt told me. Over the past few weeks our sex life has taken a real toll downhill. Probably because of our kids or my job or Kurt's new hobby. Yeah ,Kurt got real bored being a parent, husband, and teacher so he decided to take a hobby helping out at the gay youth group in the community center as a mentor. I slightly felt jealous of one of helpers who Kurt worked with, but I guess I pushed all my feelings away it a deep part of me.

He was some twenty-five year old named Aiden with green eyes, great arms, and " brown hair to die for" as Kurt went on and on about him. I never thought of any of it because I knew Kurt liked to weave his fingers between my curly locks during sex, so tugging on straight hair was out of the question.

Kurt thinks I am clueless but I noticed the way Kurt has changed around me. He used to be fun and the happiness would rush from his smile, to his eyes, to his whole body, but lately he had as much excitement as a fish out of water. I hope tonight I would change things back to the norm.

Today, I came home around 3:30and I even picked up the boys and dropped them off at Rachel's after school. Kurt was going to be home any minute and then my plans for a extra -romantic- sorry- for- ignoring- you-or-our-family-for-the-past-couple-weeks. I was going to bring Kurt to a very fancy restaurant than the Revival theatre to watch a performance of Grease that the Lima Times rated three and a half stars out of five. Pretty good considering half cast is senior citizens with arthritis and pimply teenagers who need a competitive edge in the arts.

Afterwards I was going to bring Kurt home to a quiet house as we walk up the staircase with rose petals and candles. Hopefully this is what will bring Kurt that sparkle back in his eyes and the words of " I forgive you" escaping his lips. No one is home so I decided to put my plan into action. I reserved reservations on the phone at the restaurant, laid out rose petals, and I was just about to go online to print out the tickets. I managed to put Kurt's gift in my jacket pocket. It is a very old but a very rare McQueen scarf I found inline and it cost me about $940, but Kurt's worth every penny.

I was just about to go online than I remembered that I left my laptop in my office at OSU. _Well,__I__'__ll__just__use__Kurt__'__s_ I thought absentmindedly . I went into the family room and saw it on the coffee table next to a picture of our family on vacation at Disneyworld a couple years ago.

I opened up his sleek and fancy Mac book which actually reminded me of Kurt. I remembered I sent the website to myself so all I have to do is go from Kurt's email box mine than back to Kurt's so he'll never know 'cuz he'll kill me if he did find out. I clicked on mailbox and noticed Kurt's had some mail. I am never one to be snooping, but I thought it would be junk or funny chain mail. It was also my husband's email. It felt like I was invading on his mind.

My mother use to tell me this old saying when I was younger and yet at thirty- five I still remember it today and yet when Kurt tells me to sign something of Joshua or Nathan's for school tomorrow I completely forget. Maybe it is just how my brain hold onto pointless memories. The old saying was "Curiosity killed the cat, but satisfaction brought her back." I never did get that saying much, but I guess some metaphors are best to be unsolved. My curiosity for peeking at Kurt's email was eating me alive. It was a tiny glimpse in his mind and I probably never will get this chance back. Kurt's kept that laptop within twenty centimetres between him at all times because of emails of important memos from soccer or basketball, the bank, the gay youth group, his work etc. I clicked on a random email. It read " Soccer game pushed up from Saturday to Tuesday". Ugghh, that was not the juicy info I wanted from Kurt's mind. I scanned through the list of emails until something would catch my eyes.

An email address that got my attention was called _aidofspades__. I thought for a minute to wonder who the hell this guy was and why would a guy write this down as email address. Ohh, wait I know who this guy was. It was green eyes Aiden down at the gay youth club Kurt volunteers at. "Why would he be emailing Kurt?" I said to myself out loud.

Curiosity got to the best of me and as I double clicked the email to be opened, I felt a little guilty, but it was too late now I already opened it. As the email loaded on, I sat back and glared at the time. Kurt would be home in forty- five minutes and he would not like that I am on his laptop. I averted my eyes to the screen with the email done loading. It was from Aiden, like I suspected, and the message was "Here's a picture so you won't forget ;-)." What a weird thing to write in an email. I scrolled down the page and right in front of my eyes was a naked Aiden. Pictures of his face, some of his abs, his erect dick, and what looked like Aiden's fucking asshole. I was shaken and angry and the thoughts going through my mind were thoughts if Aiden sent the wrong address, did he ever send Kurt photos before, or was Kurt having an affair with Aiden? I was in so much shock and I suddenly felt tears lazily dripping from my eyes to my mouth. I didn't know how I exited out of Kurt's email box and shut the laptop when all that was going through my mind was guilt, anger, jealousy, and betrayal. Now that I think of the curiosity killed that cat saying, I wonder what the hell will bring me back because I didn't get any satisfaction from this particular email.

I sunk in the sofa and dazed again at the family portrait of our family. I was so upset and shocked and looking at a picture of my two sons didn't help either. I decided not to print out the ticket because I was afraid of going on the laptop again. I went upstairs and took a shower. Well, the truth was it was more like me crying with the water running, coincidentally while my iPod blares out Adele.

I stepped out of the shower and looked at the clock. It was almost four-thirty and Kurt would be coming home in any second. I stepped in front of my mirror and saw my appearance. I had a five o'clock shadow, my hair was unruly, and my eyes were red and puffy. Not to mention my heart was aching with pain and I felt like collapsing and crying on my bed.

I still couldn't get how my Kurt had those pictures on his laptop. The pictures did link to an affair, but why would Kurt do that? We had a nice house, we both made a decent income, and we had two beautiful, smart sons. I thought long and hard until I heard the door open downstairs and footsteps. _Kurt__'__s__home_, I thought, but I _cannot__ask__him__these__questions__yet_. I wasn't ready and I didn't have a lot of courage to do so.

"Blaine!"

Oh God, Kurt was calling me! Why am I so nervous? I feel like I am seventeen again during Kurt and I's first time. Ahh the good old days. How did our marriage and family still not be enough for him.

" Blaine, you upstairs?" Kurt hollered from downstairs.

" Uhh.. yeah babe!" Why did I call him 'babe'? Did he deserve that loving nickname or was our love a joke to him? I decided before I turn into one ungodly mess to hold it together until I confront Kurt. I was leaving the bathroom with just my towel around my waist, until Kurt popped in front of me.

" Blaine where are the kids? I thought you be picking them up? And why are there rose petals on my staircase?" asked Kurt.

He didn't even pay attention to my half naked body. This use to unravel him now it just barley titillates him. He was just getting undressed out of his works clothes.

" Umm they are at your brother's." I stood in front of a mirror. I pinched a little at my waist. I of course am not the same size as I was when I was sixteen, but was my body so ugly Kurt didn't find me irresistible?

" Blaine you can't keep dumping them at Finn and Rachel's every time you are tired. I'll go pick them up." Kurt said in a very annoyed voice.

I snapped out of my body gazing session in the mirror. " In case you forget Kurt, it is our fucking anniversary. That's why I put the rose petals on the staircase. I was trying to be a romantic!" I said in a very hurt tone of voice. I had a right too .I didn't know if he was screwing Aiden behind my back.

Kurt looked a little surprised since he rarely ever hears me cursing, " Of course I didn't forget, I just thought we do something as a family." Kurt shot back at me.

"Well Kurt, it is a celebration of the day we got married. You know, with our vows and the little wedding chapel in New York we thought was so quaint. I thought I arrange a date for us as a break from pour busy schedule" I swear I thought I saw Kurt flinch.

He stood getting out of his work clothes. I saw the back of his naked torso and that was enough to make me ravish him, but then I remembered to pictures and everything I saw of Kurt just made me angry.

" Well where are you taking me?" asked Kurt turning around. He was dressed in some khakis and a blue dress shirt with a red bowtie. His clothing as a parent was more turned down because I guess we didn't have the money to keep up with the fashion, but Kurt managed to always look good.

" Uhh I was going to take you to a restaurant and then maybe we could watch a movie." And I really meant it too.

I wasn't feeling too sexy anymore. I needed to unload my feelings but not on Kurt. It was way too soon and I still didn't have enough time to process this. Maybe I'll g over to my dad or something for advice.

Soon me and Kurt left the house to go to the restaurant. We didn't have much to talk about except our kids and stories we heard over and over again. And telling from Kurt body language it didn't the food or my conversing with him did not seem to impress him. We left and I almost forgot about the scarf in my jacket. I gave it to him in the car and I saw the look of excitement and guilt of not getting me anything on his face. It was a look I hadn't seen in a long time and it weirdly enough was the only thing that made me smile this whole shitty day.

" I hope you like it. It took me quite a long time to find this." I said to Kurt.

He smiled, what looked like the smile he uses when he was feeling real sad to lighten the air.

" It is beautiful Blaine. Thank you." Kurt leaned in and gave me a soft kiss on the lips.

It felt amazing probably considering he might be cheating on me and the last time we had sex was like two months. We drove home and then went upstairs to make love. It was the wrong thing to do but on your wedding anniversary I had no choice so we did end up doing it, but the whole time Kurt lay underneath me barley squeezing me or kissing me heavy or with passion. I tried to get the sweet spot every time I pushed in Kurt but Kurt just got aggravated when I was me tenth time doing so and didn't succeed.

" God Blaine! Now you're hurting my back!"

" Well do want to change position?"

" Just angle yourself different."

"How's that?"

"No"

"This?"

"Nope"

" How about that?" ( God this is really starting to annoy me.)

" Blaine your just not hitting it!"

I felt myself cumming. It was weeks since I felt an orgasm that was not just from myself masturbating. I know our sex like was so in the crapper that I resorted back to masturbating. I hadn't masturbated in over 10 years. That was one of the real low points in our marriage.

" Kurt, I am going to cum!"

" Than cum Blaine!" Kurt said in an annoyed voice.

I finished without Kurt cumming but Kurt said he was just tired. I went to the bathroom to brush my teeth and emerged to see a naked Kurt asleep on our bed. _God_I thought, _for__my__husband__who__might__being__having__an__affair__with__another__man__I__sure__do__think__he__is__beautiful_. Kurt sure is still as gorgeous as ever. He still has his perfectly styled hair and piercing eyes that make me melt. But beautiful or not he made me angry at the act of adultery he was doing. I made me sick to my stomach of now holding information of his affair and sharing the same bed. I didn't know what lay ahead for our marriage but all I knew was that we needed fucking help.

A/N thanks for reading! Leave comment or favourite if you liked the chapter or give feedback!


	3. Chapter 3

A/N- Sorry, sorry! I know I am the worst person not uploading a new chapter after so many weeks ( okay I lost count) and after receiving so many favourites and alerts, I always felt guilty. I had so much homework due in the past couple weeks in just one class. Yeah one teacher out of my four really knows how to stack on the papers and essays which have due dates not that far away. It's going to be okay cause in the next week that class is over and a new teacher is coming in my class to teach which I am supper excited because he is super cool and totally flexible with due dates unlike the teacher I have now who gives you these eyes that make you want to crawl and die in a hole. Don't think I am being too hard on her when she makes her students cry every other class. Anyway, enough of my rambling, on with the show!

Disclaimer- I don't own glee or much of anything for that matter.

The weeks following after my little sleuthing on Kurt's laptop and finding those pictures, my state as a human was crippling. I was losing weight from not eating well, my clothes were hanging off my body, and I was even crying in the shower. I felt worse than I had ever been. I felt so ashamed of myself that I was not strong enough to confront Kurt or even tell anyone else. Every time I saw the happy faces of my sons I felt like crying for no reason. I just felt depressed. I was so mad at Kurt at doing this to me and our family. I would look at him during dinner and I think he would be spaced out or something. His eyes were wide, his mouth was open, and I could hear him breath. One of our sons would snap him out of this trance by asking him about his day, and Kurt would answer with a monotone answer. I would glare at my family's state during dinner and I almost burst into tears. Are family was tearing apart. Kurt was a lair, I was weak, hell even my son Nathan was quiet, and usually he was so happy. I needed some advice to cope and the only person who went through this before was my father.

I drove on Sunday to my father's house while Kurt was at the gay youth group. I brought the kids with me. We were buckled in and drove to my father's estate.

My father was never always close to me. When I was in high school, he resented me because I was gay and such. We reconciled are differences after my father took therapy and a class on dealing with having gay or lesbian children. He realised how ignorant he was in the years I came out and defiantly not understanding. I feel incredibly proud of my dad for overcoming our differences and now we had a great relationship. When we reached the estate, the children jumped out of the car as I emerged out the driver's seat. My father was waiting with open arms at their arrival.

"Grandpa! Grandpa!" They ran in with happy faces and hugs. My dad was smiling and gave them a big bear hug.

" Hey boys!"My father greeted them. He shuffled Nathan's crew cut of a hairstyle Kurt thought would be adorable. _Kurt _, my thoughts strayed to him_. No not now_. I shook away the thought.

"Hey Dad." I said with my arms stretched wide for a hug. We stepped inside his mansion and the children dived straight for Charlie. Charlie was my father's golden retriever he got two years ago. He was quite a funny dog. I thought about getting the boys a fog but Kurt complained about the smell, and how much it is for vet bills. We settled for a female guinea pig ,Beyonce, which the boys every day declare it as the most beautiful thing ever. I think it's sweet, the rodent, but Kurt still has problems with its smell and the $200 fee the vet left after we discovered Beyonce had lice. Luckily, lice on a guinea pig will not harm our hairy heads in our family because the vet told us that rodent lice is not transferable to humans. Even after that tidbit of information, it still didn't lighten Kurt's feeling about the guinea pig. But we still have it with us even after Kurt's threats, so Beyonce is a permanent member of the Hummel- Anderson household. I glanced at my boys, wanting to smile at the cute sight of the boys and Charlie, but I felt so depressed I could not even fake one.

My father and I went to the kitchen to make coffee. " So Blaine, as much as I love your visits, what brings you up out of the blue. You usually have a reason when you rearrange a date with my secretary." I sighed. I was contemplating if I should tell him or not. A couple years before me and Kurt got married, my mother was in an affair with her yoga instructor. My dad was not like those other rich and high in power guys who cheat on their wives, he was more of the exact opposite. My dad loved my mother and would show it through gifts, trips, romantic dinners he cooked, and among others things. My mother just didn't have an attraction to my father anymore because he was getting older and changed. My dad felt depressed and euthanized the weeks after my mother filed for divorce. When Kurt and I came over for dinner he would just cry and Kurt and I would take care of him until he was back on his feet. During those weeks when my dad felt super down, he felt the compassion and help from Kurt even after the relentless throws he ever made at Kurt before then. That is why my dad came to like and respect Kurt.

" Umm..uh Kurt and..ugh. I ar-ar-are having some problems." I managed to choke out. I looked around for the sight of my kids, but I saw them playing with Charlie in the backyard. I felt my throat closing and the tears emerging. My dad gripped my arm as he leaned over the table to grab a napkin. He gave it to me and thanked him while drying my tears.

" Is it serious, or is it going to be like the last time when you guys had a fight about what couch to buy?" my dad asked, his black and gray triangle eyebrows bushed together. " No, not that again." I managed to keep my tears under control. I didn't want to scare the kids when they would ever walk in here. " It is very serious. It happened a couple weeks ago actually. When I was preparing our anniversary date I forgot my laptop at my office at the university, sooo I decided to use Kurt's." I swallowed hard remembering that moment which it seems like it happened just yesterday. " I was being a little curious George and I stumbled across an email from an address I have never seen before. I opened it up-p and I saw..um .." My entire face was red and I was like a pig in a slaughterhouse.

" What did you find Blaine?" my Dad asked, but it seems like he already knew the answer. I looked at him real deep in the eyes and did a large sigh. The kind of sight that alerts the person their tired. I was I has been slept in weeks from my damn insomnia. " I…ugh found um.. some pictures of a naked guy. I actually know who he was too. He um…" I couldn't finish my sentence because at that moment I just crumbled. The deep dark emotions built in a secret compartment of my soul flushed out of it and back in my feelings. It's as if a wave of insanity pierced my heart. I just wailed and shook , it was only until my father slapped me across the head. My father was never a violent person ever, even during is ignorant and 'hater to gays' years. "Suck it up, Buttercup!" he pronounced in a voice that was not a angry voice, but defiantly not a sympathetic one either. " What was that about?" I raised my head up, still feeling tears on my cheeks. His head slap was not one to be feeling a mass amount of pain, but then again a head slap of any sort is not one to feel jolly about.

My dad sucked in his breath. I could tell he was just about to give me a lecture. I could always tell when a person was about to give me a lecture from growing up around a man who gave the regularly. " Son, I am not going to tell you how to live your life. But in life there is no guarantee on how your life is going to be like. When I was married to your mother, those were some of my happiest years of my life and you were just the icing on the cake." My dad tried to smile to lightened the tension but the air was still thick. " I understand what you're going through. You didn't think I felt moopy and depressed while carrying around a deep dark secret that belongs to my spouse. Of course I didn't find out through the internet, but I defiantly had my ways." " I thought you found out through mutual friends?" I asked.

My dad sighed a tired sigh, " No, I covered up the truth from you because I thought you were too young to know. I found out by walking in on your mother and her guy. They didn't notice me while they were still doing things." I could tell my father was still upset at my mother, I could tell from the wariness of his eyes. " But over time, while I was still with holding the major secret of your mother's secret lover, I gained strength to confront in a poised and dignified matter. I didn't go confront her while I was still a mess." My dad looked me in the eyes and asked me, " Blaine, are you still a mess?" I cleared my throat and wiped the very few tears from my eyes. " Yeah."

My dad patted my shoulder and then got up to grab another cup of coffee. " I can tell. Blaine, the reason I hit you was for you to get a grip. You need to confront your husband and justify what he did was wrong. I always liked Kurt, but from what you told me, I have no respect and compassion for that prick. Then pull the divorce papers out and done!" My dad sounded like he should be a detergent commercial.

" No,no,no,no," I started to mumble. " No I don't want a divorce. Kurt and I have been through a lot together and I want to solve are issues. We have a family." I sated to my father. I looked at him in the eyes. " I love him, even after all the cheating. And I do not the mean nicknames you used instead of his name."

" Okay, okay, I will call him by his name, but the fact that he committed adultery against my son is clearly not a man in my books." I sighed with a slight grin considering my dad was so stubborn.

" Blaine are you sure you want to try something as risky as that? Any move in an untrusting marriage can make it explode in rage and fall off the brink of tolerance." " Dad, we have two sons and its going to be hard to grow up in a family with two dads, but two dads that are divorced sounds so much worse." I kept flashbacking to my kids and how they would react to a divorce. It sounded horrifying. " Blaine I don't want to make this hard on yourself any longer, so I'll give you a little dough." I started to shake my head. I have enough money in my own private accountant. Kurt knew nothing about it, which is why I opened the account in the first place.

" Blaine, you have to clue in on your emotions and thoughts on Kurt's affair. Those feelings are keeping you from addressing this issue with Kurt. You have to channel the angry and strong feelings so you can get through this confrontation without feeling lost or vulnerable. It will make Kurt feel guilty and you feeling less pathetic."

I nodded. My father did make a good point. I had to get over my fragile emotional state and rise to a stronger foundation. I didn't want to make a fool of myself when I was to finally talk to Kurt, whenever that was.

"Yeah your right," and said to my father. " But where would I stay? It would feel slightly awkward staying in the same house with Kurt. God it feels uncomfortable sharing the same bed at night nowadays." I was so tired, I displayed it well by dragging my hands over my face and yawning at the same time.

" You can stay with me." My father insisted.

" Dad, your giving me too much anyways. I just might umm.. stay with a friend."

" Like who?" My dad had his arms folded in front of his chest.

" My friend Wes has an apartment on the other side of town. I believe it has two bedrooms and a balcon-" My dad cut me off. " Okay, okay I get it you don't want to be moving in with your dad."

" Dad, I can move in with you, I just don't want to be a burden."

" Nonsense. Besides, I am going on a trip in two weeks which is plenty of time to confront Kurt. I won't be here when you do finally confront Kurt and leave him."

I started to cry. I felt my hold world was shattering mainly because I was talking about where I would live and the fact that Kurt was my world and he was slowly disappearing.

" How you doing son?" My father put his hand on my shoulder.

" Fine." But I wasn't feeling fin, actually I was the polar opposite. All I wanted to do was crash, but that would mean falling asleep next to Kurt and I knew I would be wide awake all night.

" Son, you look tired. Why don't you and the boys stay the night, to you know clear your head or something." I loved my dad and even if he and I had trouble with our relationship in my youth, it was evident it had mended.

" Yeah okay. Thanks dad." I mumbled. I stood from my chair and went in the living room to find Joshua and Nathan asleep. I smiled at the sight of their innocent faces and woke them up. I grabbed Nathan tired body and hoisted him in my arms, still asleep. With my one arm free, I nudged Joshua to wake him up. " Joshie, Joshie, kiddo wake up." He turned over mumbling," I don't want to." He finally stood up and trudged to the guest bedroom for the boys into the bedrooms a jointed bathroom to brush teeth and hair and go to the toilet. While the boys were doing that, I called Kurt from my bedroom across the hall. It was my old high school bedroom with the many poster on the wall and old shoes and clothes. I even stopped pictures of Kurt and I in our youth still at Dalton. It smelled like my teenage self. I dressed in some pyjamas I found that surprisingly still fit.

I grabbed my blackberry and called Kurt to tell him of our over nighters. I rung and rung over three times and I thought by the fourth ring he would press ignore.

" Kurt? Its Blaine."

" Blaine, where are you and the boys?" I heard the anger and panic in his voice. " Did you give Joshua his pill?"

" Uhh yeah. Before he fell asleep." Joshua had mild depression. It was so rare a kid his age could suffer with depression. We learned after many expensive visits with his therapist that he is bullied at school and has no friends which resulted in depression. The therapist recommend a journal for Joshua and some anti -depressants. For a long time me and Kurt felt like the world's worse parents from not noticing any signs of moping and long periods of sleep. The therapist said we were lucky to catch it early or it would worsen into his adolescent years. We pulled Joshie out of school and put him into Dalton's equivalent of an elementary school, Dalton school for younger Boys. He seems to do better now a days in school and has a couple friends at Dalton elementary.

" Oh, well where are you them? Are you on the road?"

" No, I am just tired. My dad let us stay the night. I just am so out of it lately I guess, Kurt."I said I wanted to make things seem normal while I held onto this secret. " Umm.. what are you doing?"

I didn't hear anything. All of a sudden I heard a slight giggle and a shush and what sounded like a thud.

" Kurt, you there?" Over the years I learned about my weakness of my obliviousness. I clued in exactly on the background sounds.

" Yeah Blaine." Kurt sounded flustered.

"Where are you?"

" At home, of course."

"Where at home?" I swear I heard something on the other line.

" In our bedroom, of course. Blaine what's with the questioning?"

" Are you with anyone?"

This answer took a lot longer.

" Uh… no just me and uh um Beyonce."

" Kurt, you don't even like her."

" People can change." The irony in that stamen spoke for itself.

" That's bullshit Kurt, you don't even like her at all. Now are you with anyone." I was tired and frankly sick of his lying. " Are you with anyone?"

" Why are you asking this question?"

" Why won't you answer?"

" Blaine let's not start a fight, please. I am sooo tired. Anyway, I am not with anyone." I heard it in his voice. After knowing Kurt for over ten years you can really tell when he is lying, probably cause he is a terrible liar.

I sated to feel my blood boil, and I was so angry. I closed the door to my bedroom . " Kurt, just be honest with me. Are you with anyone in our bedroom." Silence. I was hanging by a thread with my anger. When I get angry, it takes a while for me to calm down. All of a sudden I heard crying on the other end.

I could hear my voice was getting louder. " I swear Kurt, don't lie to me!"I started to feel my face heat up. I could hear breathing on the other end that was defiantly not Kurt's. He didn't respond at all. I started to have anxiety and I felt like coming home right now until I glanced at the clock. It was 11:37 pm and I was livid.

" Kurt, answer me right now!" I was so angry, "I deserve to know who is in my fucking house!" I was creaming in the phone " Who is in my goddamn house, Kurt!" and " Don't fucking lie to me!" I was just screaming profanities like they were going out of style. I was releasing all my pent up emotions in probably the worst way possible, but at that moment I was lost in my feelings.

The crying got louder and the phone receivers tone telling me Kurt hung up his phone.

A/N- Leave a comment or favourite which I would really appreciate and if you are wondering about the guinea pig lice, that is actually true. I didn't get that information from the internet, I actually have two guinea pigs of my own. One of them got lice before we introduced the other one to him, and we took him to the vet and they told us that guinea pig lice will never survive on a humans' scalp and therefore no contagious to humans which was a relief. Anyway my guinea pig is fine now and that's that. So remember to leave a comment on how much you hate that I didn't update soon or even leave a comment for constructive criticism. Bye c u l8r


	4. Chapter 4

A/N- Here is another instalment of my story. I want to thank all viewers who read it and my subscriber and reviewers! You are the best! I realise now that I am a suspenseful writer, which I never thought I be, but season three of glee has turned into a bunch of suspenseful episodes ** wink –wink Santana slapping Finn- favourite part!) Plus this chapter took me forever to do, it's like over six- thousand words the most words I have ever written. I hope you enjoy and leave a comment or subscribe if you loved it or want to write constructive criticism- I love either one!

Chapter 4

I couldn't believe myself some days. I can't believe how I manage to wake up some mornings and go to work, with a secret tearing me apart. It wasn't always like this and I never thought it would might become this, but somehow it happened. All these issues that revolve round me and him are filled with to much lying and deceit that it will break us apart and change us in ways no one thought would ever happen between us. It was all my fault , yet somehow I barely have a reason for this problem.

This problem all started December 2020.

During the long and anticipating months awaiting any news from the adoption agency, I found some very startling news. Slap on the front cover of New York Ties was an article that there was a new found gene that some men carried that could get them pregnant. The article was an eye opener, especially to Blaine, who couldn't keep his hands off of it.

" Do you know what this means Kurt?" Blaine asked me with wide eyes.

" That the world population will double in just nine months?" I muttered sarcastically. This news of information sounded like a hoax and dangerous. If it wasn't true it could break the hearts of millions of men and even if it as true there would only be a couple hundred men who carry the gene. The article said report yourself to the government if you are a carrier. What it sounded like it was scientific testing's like they do on aliens. In short it sounded dangerous .

" Kurt I have a great idea! Lets go get tested," Blaine exclaimed, " We can find out if we are carriers an d be done with the adoption waiting."

" I just don't want to Blaine. I feel like the world's too populated and adding one more could just feed to the crisis." I added hopefully, but Blaine didn't look so happy.

" Kurt, your being unreasonable."

" And your being selfish, Blaine. I think that neither of us are the genes. What if we go get tested and we find out we aren't, huh? I think we would feel terrible that we can't conceive and we would both be to depressed to raise a child. What do you think?" I asked with me sitting down on the couch holding Blaine's hands starring in his eyes.

" I guess but can I least get tested?"

I looked at him with a frustrated face and my hands were removed from his.

" Kurt, I swear if I am a negative for the gene and carry around many negative emotions than you haven't my permission to... to slap me on the back of my head."

I smiled, but still unconvinced, " Really?"

" Really."

I think you realise that by now that Blaine was a confirmed non- carrier. For a while he was upset, but than a couple weeks later we got word from the adoption agency that a teenage girl up in Canada would like to give up her baby to us. For months, Blaine and I were thrilled and decided that the New York was a very beautiful place to live, we decided that we should move back home to Lima. I was a little sad, but Blaine told me how selfish we were to our child if we were to stay in a cramped apartment, so I reluctantly agreed for the sake of my unborn child. We brought little Joshua home within a family of strength and love. We had such a happy family, and I still believe we might still have it, unless my shit wrecks all that is valuable to me.

I never told Blaine this but a couple months after Joshua came home, I stated to vomit in the mornings. I randomly started to have food cravings and I felt like I was bloated all the time. I went to the doctor the next week after these random things stated to happen. The doctor first asked me if I was ever tested for the carrier gene, which I said no and then asked me if I was sexually active, which I responded yes. He then asked me to pee in a cup, which was one of the weirdest things ever. The doctor said my test results would be available for me to see and I should come back in three days. Three stressful and long days later without any comfort from Blaine. I knew Blaine was stressed with his new teaching position and the baby so I left him out of my visit to the doctor.

I arrived in the doctor's office with an anxious and panicked look on my face.

" Kurt, you don't have to worry it is not that big of deal," the good doctor reassured me.

I nodded not meeting his eyes. I was staring into space , my heart and mind still filled with worry.

" Kurt it looks, from your test results that you are 2 months pregnant."

I shot a glance at him my shocked face, "What? I can't be pregnant. I just got a kid, I don't need another in seven months. I uh.. I just can't.." I mumbled on with the thought of a baby on the way, I couldn't do it.

" Kurt, you know it is your final decision where this baby goes," the doctor looked at me with a sympathetic face, but my undignified shock left my mouth still gaping open.

" What are these decisions?"

" There is adoptions for one, but another option is to have an … abortion."

I sat on the plastic stool with my mind racing at 500 miles a second. I thought of Blaine and if I told him about this, he would be so heartbroken. Then I thought of our lives. We just had a baby, and adding one to the mix, I… I can't even begin where to start. An abortion was wrong , yet it was my only way out. I felt like it was my choice to end this life and the guilt was already eating at me, but the guilt of keeping the baby in an ever changing world, in which all 8 billion people and growing, share and crowd together does sound selfish and I always said that adopting was the most unselfish thing to do. I couldn't put this baby up for adoption without Blaine noticing so, in the final hour of my decision I had an abortion.

This doctor told me the baby was girl, which only made me more depressed. But as time went on and another baby boy was added much later to our family. I felt the pain of my unborn baby still within me and the guilt eating away, but I soon got passed it enough to start enjoying my life. I never will forget my unborn baby girl, who I still love even though I chose to end her life before she could even take her first breath.

I always felt like I was the odd one out in my family. I thought my sons were great and I did love them, but I felt like I didn't have that connection and trust like they did with Blaine. They always went to Blaine with homework problems because he made them more fun somehow and he actually did care about their pet rodent who I am not very fond of. Blaine also has changed in high school. He was no longer that spontaneous guy I fell in love with, who was a clueless romantic. He was a mature, older guy with kids and a career who barely had time to cuddle up and watch bad tv or even drink beer. He would drag me to social outings to intellectual talk with other professors on the subject that I had little knowledge in or no interest. I guess you could say I was bored from the New Blaine, who deemed a little phony Fromm the handsome Old Blaine I once knew. I always loved Blaine, if he changed or not I always had my other love, my sons, out keeping in a secret of my dead daughter always ate away inside and looking in their innocent eyes' made me feel somewhat guilty and hurt.

Now the guilty and pain I have now doesn't even compare to the hurt I had before _this_all started.

A couple months ago, the boredom in my life made me feel depressed I couldn't live. My sons were in full day school, while Blaine did late hours and even though I am a high school teacher, I don't have anything to keep me occupied. Not even head teacher for Glee club since Mr. Schue was still kicking around. He said that I can take over when he retires in a couple of years. I felt utterly bored in Lima. I never did like how we left New York for Blaine's carrier. I always loved the excitement of New York and the fast pace and acceptance of the people in New York. When Blaine and I arrived in Lima, we were greeted in a parking lot, " Go die faggots!" by some random guy I believe was a peer in McKinley that was in my history class. Don't get me wrong I love being closer to Dad and Carole as well as some of my friends that stayed in Lima, but I still think some of my heart is still in New York.

One morning in Lima Bean ( another reason why I love Lima), while mooning over my non-fat mocha and bran muffin, I read a local advertisements for the community center that really caught my eye. It read that they needed gay or lesbian mentors for the up and coming gay youth group. I my mouth was semi open and I felt a surge of excitement. I couldn't believe their was going to be a youth group for people like me, okay well younger versions of me. I dialled the number in the ad right quick and a woman answered.

" Hello?" a woman answered.

" Hi, my name is Kurt Hummel- Anderson and I was wondering if I could speak to the person in charge for the gay youth group?"

" Ohh! Hello, my name is Kathy and I am the founder of the very first LGBT youth group. Are you calling on behalf of a role as gay mentor to LGBT youth?" She sounded very confident and proud over the phone.

" I was wondering if you could answer a question for my curiosity."

"Um, okay?" She sounded quite sceptical.

" I was wondering what brought this idea of a gay youth group in Lima? I mean, I lived in Lima for 18 year until I for New York, but I came back like ten years ago." I sounded a little rude, " I can't thank you enough for constructing an amazing group like this though."

" Re-Really? Thank you so much! I.. um usually get rude and prejudice calls from people though telling me to end this group." She began to sound more confident again, " I started the group on behalf of my sister."

I felt a sob story coming on but my weakness of sad stories lead me in, " What happened?"

" My younger sister Taylor and I were best friends, who shared secrets and stories to each other about high school and things we wouldn't mention to our friends. When Taylor was fourteen she told me that she was a lesbian and that I was the first person for she came out to. Which I than afterward gave my sister a hug and said that I still love her and I accept her no matter what . She later came out to our parents, who actually were proud of her for being honest and still loved no matter what." I heard Kathy take a deep breath. " A couple years ago, while I was in my final year at OSU, my mother called from the hospital saying… um that my sister and her girlfriend were attacked by a group of gay bashers. I rushed to the hospital to only witness the final five minutes of my sisters life. I cried for months wishing it was me that was I was the dead one not her and I would do anything to get her back. I realised that me crying over her loss, however sympathetic, wasn't doing much good in my healing. I started this youth group for LGBT society to open oneself of knowledge and understanding of love and sex and the prejudice and how we try to stop it in the gay community. So far we have about fifteen active LGBT teens in the youth group and about four mentors . We really try hard to make a difference in the environment around us."

I was shocked at the touching story and immediately wanted to join. I was bored and if feeling up that emptiness by touching the lives of many of kids in this super conservative town, then so be it. Kathy just told me a story that made an impact on my life and possibly others she told too. If being a mentor was all that, than I wanted to sign up." When are is the are the meetings?"

I arrived on the first meeting on Sunday, while Blaine was attending to a birthday party of one of Nathans friends in a bowling alley, which Josh was dragged to as well. I didn't want to bring him into a teen LGBT mentor club, from the possibly graphic and defiantly not for his little ears stories.

I met Kathy who was real nice, despite not being a lesbian she had quite a good understanding of the problems of the youth. All the kids were either going through troubles on coming out, issues in relationships, or they would tell us embarrassing stories of them. I was having so much fun and before I knew it the meeting was over. I promised I would be back next week.

The next week came and a new guy showed up.

I was setting up the chairs with Kathy. She left to go get something, so I was all alone.

"Hey." I turn around to see a handsome man standing and leaning by the the doorframe.

" Uh… um hi, are you here for the LGBT youth group?" I asked the very mysterious man.

He smiled walking up to me. " Why yeas I am, I am a mentor actually. I am a friend of Kathy's sister. Names' Aiden, yours beautiful?"

Now usually, in college when a man hit on me while I was dating Blaine, I wouldn't get flustered at all and start blushing like a virgin, like I was right now. I never got hit on by such an attractive man before in my life, even Blaine never hit on me pre-dating. I was the one who would try to make advances while he made oblivious ones.

" My names Kurt," I said. Aiden was very attractive to say the least. I felt something I never felt in a long time, which now I felt real guilty about doing.

" Well Kurt, is this your first meeting as a gay teen?"

I giggled_,__giggled_! At something that was both cheesy and charming, " Um nooo, I am clearly not a teenager." I put out my hand and he shook on it. " But thank you for the complement, you to look very young."

" Yeah, I am 23," I should have been thinking ,_Kurt __stop __flirting __with __this __kid_, but my head was filled with his face. " How old are you?"

" Old enough to know better." I gave him the eyes. I was flirting with a kid, and when I came home I would see my husband and my two kids.

During the meeting, I felt Aiden's eyes glaring at me.

This kept going on for a couple weeks, until on a Friday Aiden got me in the supply closet. I was looking for Gaga knows what until I turned around and met his green eyes.

" Aiden what are you doing here?"

" I know what you're doing."

I was officially confused, " What are you talking about?"

" Kurt I know you for three weeks, you and I defiantly have a deal."

I am not twenty anymore, so my understanding on certain words kids use now a days are pretty limited.

" Kurt, you been giving me eyes and I know you've been flirting right back when I have."

" What? No I hadn't" I spat out, but it was a lie.

" Kurt, I know your married as well," pointing to my gold band on my left hand. He stepped so close, I felt his breath on my face. " But you can't deny our deal. I don't care if you have kids or a loving husband, but by the looks of it, you don't seem like you got any from your so called loving husband."

That was true. Blaine's work schedule is pretty crazy, and I am lucky if I see him for more than five minutes per day at most.

Before I knew igt, a pair of lips connected to my own. Aiden was kissing me and it felt so wrong, but at the same time I felt the once burned out flame in my soul become a blaze and I think I actually liked it. I kissed back and in no time me and him were naked in his car kissing and touching each other. Heat and lust was rolling off of our bodies in the dead of night. I was enjoying this too much to feel guilt yet all I felt was desire. Aiden was on top putting his hands going down slower and slower, which really made me shiver with excitement. All of a sudden I heard a beep-beep noise from the front. " Just my phone," Aiden whispered. That noise just snapped me out of this heated lust.

" What are we doing?" I asked stupidly.

Aiden smirked, " What does it look like we're doing, babe?"

" Aiden your very nice and all, but I am married… with kids. I shouldn't be doing this. You deserve so much better."I said to Aiden. He looked away defiantly in deep thought.

" Kurt, I know you're stuck in this town after your husband scored a great job here pulling you away from your dream. I know that you have two sons that are super great and all, and that you have a beautiful home and a less than rewarding teaching position job at McKinley." I smiled, how true was he.

Aiden held my hands. My eyes locked onto his. " But I know what you don't have is happiness' can see it in your eyes, Kurt. I know after your visits to the community center, your eyes spark up excitement and belonging, and that's what I like about you." Aiden confessed to me with a soft smile. I looked at him like he just read my soul. I was once happy with my old Blaine and my old life in New York. I love my kids, but I just wasn't happy enough to spend time with them. I noticed how my family was drifting apart, and this affair would only pull my family apart , but at that moment all I thought was how the moonlight really reflected on Aiden's honey blonde hair.

I started to cry, which was kind of embarrassing to say in the least. I cried because I was complementing a guy who I wasn't married too. I am a thirty- six years old crying my eyes out to a young boy, who had a pull on me I haven't felt in years. I was so vulnerable and naked, until a strong arm wrapped me up than soft lips touched my own.

"Aiden, I just don't feel right doing this. I.. like you and I do feel an attraction, but it wouldn't be right to commit adultery."

" Kurt, when was the last time Blaine and you had sex."

I was shocked at his bluntness, " That's something between me and Blaine."

" Is it?" Damn him and his cleverness.

"Ummm… we had it about… a couple weeks ago."

" And when was the last time you made passionate love making to each other?"

" I forget." Was what rolled of my tongue.

Aiden scooted over, with a lustrous look in his eyes. " Kurt, I want to make love to you."

" Wha-What? I like you, not love you." I sputtered. I felt like a virgin talking to a man clearly younger than me.

" I know," Aiden looked down. Aiden's car was starting to feel a lot smaller than it was two minutes ago. I looked at me with his bright green eyes, " but I hope this experience will be close enough to actual lovemaking."

He and I started closed off the space between our mouths, I felt his hands on my hips and I draped my arms on his shoulders. We lay down together on his car's backseats. He slowly and sensual rolled his hips on my thighs. I gasped at the lost pleasure near my thighs. " You like?"Aiden asked.

" Use a condom." I responded.

He rolled one as I lay on my back gazing at my erected cock. I haven't felt this way in months, nor touched like this either. Aiden kissed down my chest to my cock, taking it all in his mouth.

" Ohhh Aiden!" I moaned and gasped. He sucked faster and I felt myself cumming, hard. I rubbed my hands through his hair. " Aiden, I'm close!" He gently pulled his lips off, leaving me speechless in lust.

He locked eyes with me, " We wouldn't want that." He spread my legs apart and prepped my hole up with his fingers and lube .Than all of a sudden I pushed a long and loud moan out of my mouth. His fingers were magic finding that sweet spot I missed the feeling of for months. He pushed into me, while I felt his hard dick fill me up. " Augghhhh, Kurt you're so tight!"

" You can move Aiden." I felt him push in and out. I wrapped my arms around his back and neck and kissed him very passionately. " I missed this feeling." I tipped my head back and closed my eyes, feeling kisses on my neck. His dick was pushing near my prostate closer and closer. Aiden rolled his hips different than pushed a little harder.

" Ohhh Aiden harder! Harder, I mean it!" I closed my eyes lost in my pleasure and for a minute I lost the image of an angry Blaine in my mind. " Do you like it, Kurt? Does Blaine ever give you this!" I felt myself going to cum so very soon. "No, No I don't ever feel like this with Blaine!" I cried.

He started to hump faster in my ass, " Kurt you're so good, you deserve better than Bla-" I cut him off with a kiss to shut him up. I was nearing, " Harder Aiden, faster!"

I heard him grunt and with a final slam to my prostate I came, " Aiden! Aiden, ohhh ,ohh, yes ,yes! Faster!" Aiden came too, while still humping my brains out.

" Yes Kurt, oh yes! Ohh Kurt, Aughhhh!" I heard him grunt as he came.

Aiden pulled out and took his condom off. I looked at him, with a tired look on my face while I got dressed, " We must meet again." Aiden said. I pulled on my jeans and buttoned on my shirt. He looked at me with a calm and happy look on his face, " Sure, here is my number." I gave it to him and left his car to flee in my car. I got in and I took a deep breath and how to remember what had just happened_.__I __can__'__t __believe __I __had __relations __with __a __man __who __is __not __my __husband __and __enjoyed __it._I was sick to my stomach with lust, guilt, and upturned tuna sandwich, which was all I had to eat today.

I glanced at the clock, reading 10:36 pm. It was late and Blaine was defiantly home by then, probably asleep. I drove home and snuck in. I tiptoed up the stairs and kissed my boys heads before I went to my room. I nearly tripled in Joshie's room though because of that damn animals' cage. I kissed his forehead, than tried to tip toe out , until Joshua's weak voice whispered, " Daddy, is that you?" I turned and walked over.

" Hi Joshie, yes it's me. Who else would it be, the boogeyman?" I smiled trying to not to scare Joshie again.

" What are you doing?"

" Kissing you good night, my sweetie." I answered. " Oh and move Beyonce's cage away from the door. I almost broke my neck." I was about to leave, until Joshua stopped me.

" You said you would be home at 8:30 pm tonight, and right now it's like midnight. Dad was really worried."

I looked at my son, with the guilt eating away on what I did tonight, " Yeah the meeting ran late and we had clean up so, yeah." I lied.

A simple and innocent " Oh." Escaped his lips and within seconds he fell asleep. I looked over at my son that was diagnosed with depression from the constant bullying at school. I felt the worst lying to him, but the truth would shock him even more.

I went to my room to see Blaine asleep in bed. Not just in bed, but he was surrounded by rose petals, candles, and he even_changed__the__sheets._ I felt so guilty because Blaine took time out of his busy schedule to plan a romantic night, only to find that I disregarded calling him telling him I was late. Well by then, a cock was thrusting in my ass , so I guess it was hard to do so. I snuck into bed, and I felt so ashamed that I stayed on my side of the bed, never to be crossed to cuddle with my husband.

For months, the affair between Aiden and I grew stronger, and I felt that Blaine was just becoming needy. He would look at me and cling to me all the time while I was busy doing something else. Over the next couple weeks, while Blaine was not at home, I had a lot of time for my thoughts. I learned how much Blaine's had changed from his College all-American boy years. Aiden would set up hotels rooms for us and I would sneak away from home telling Blaine that I had LGBT youth meetings, even though I didn't.

I did feel guilty for what I was doing. I still love Blaine despite what I am doing. I Love Blaine, but recently I am in even more like with Aiden. He was very special and made me fall special like Blaine use to make me feel in high school. Blaine knew who Aiden was, but defiantly not the way I knew Aiden, but I would talk about him , and of course Blaine's oblivion was kicking in. Aiden would show is fondness for me by giving me flowers, listening to my stories at work, and sending me very erotic emails. I hid my sleek laptop away from the rest of my family. I didn't want Blaine to ever see the emails ,ever. I was becoming very crabby around Blaine as well, probably my guiltiness and the fact that I was changing due to my new secret that was eating me away.

On my anniversary and after, I felt that Blaine was acting different than usual. He was usually talkative and clingy, but lately he was pushing people away, especially me, and he always looked deep in a serious thought. Last night was a good example. I came home to an empty house on a Friday night. I peeked upstairs to see no one. Thoughts were racing though my head, _Oh __my __God __did __Blaine __find __out? __Did __he __leave __with __the __boys?_ I started to panic and I was flipping shit. I tore through the house, but I found the house was still the same. All of a sudden I heard my phone ring. I searched throughout the entire house for it, until I found it in me and Blaine's room. I saw the caller ID reading Blaine 3. I looked at the heart for like 3 rings. It was kind of irony if you think about it. I still love him, but he didn't deserve my love. I clicked answer.

I put it to my ear, " Kurt? Its Blaine."

I was worried and stressed, all the things on my mind were practically blurted out. I was slightly pissed that he didn't call earlier, " Blaine, where are you and the boys? Did you give Joshua his pill?"

He gave me a mumbled answer that sounded enough of a yes. I haven't had a serious conversation with Blaine in weeks , so this was slightly awkward. After some make do conversation, I heard a knock on the door. I swung it open and saw Aiden. He made a silly face of me talking on the phone. I invited him in and shut the door with a loud thud.

"Kurt, you there?" Blaine asked. Before I answered Aiden swung his arm around me and carried me upstairs. I was so flustered.

" Yeah Blaine."

"Where are you?" he sounded very tired, but his voice was on the brink of being angry.

" At home, of course." Duh.

Aiden went into my bedroom and started kissing my neck and undressing me, yet Blaine still had time to talk, "Where at home?"

" In our bedroom, of course. Blaine what's with the questioning?" I wanted Aiden and Blaine to stop doing what they were doing. I wanted to be alone, yet Aiden was being so sweet and Blaine was actually talking to me, despite the annoyance in my voice and anger in his.

" Are you with anyone?", Blaine asked. Aiden and I heard and stopped what he was doing when I put one finger up to mean _stop __the __moment._

This answer took a lot longer.

" Uh… no just me and uh um Beyonce." I lied. I hated that thing

" Kurt, you don't even like her."

" People can change." The irony in that statement spoke for itself. Blaine was not stupid and I knew that response would get him riled up.

" That's bullshit Kurt, you don't even like her at all. Now are you with anyone. Are you with anyone?" Its weird that Blaine would sound angry and jealous when he had no idea what was going on the past few months. The signs of my affair were everywhere, but his neglect toward me left it undetectable.

" Why are you asking this question?"

" Why won't you answer?"

" Blaine let's not start a fight, please. I am sooo tired. Anyway, I am not with anyone." Lie again.

Aiden looked at me like he wanted to stop, but I gave him the eyes to just wait. I was tired and I needed a cuddle partner.

" Kurt, just be honest with me. Are you with anyone in our bedroom?" So Blaine knew I was lying. Typical. I heard his voice rising up. It was starting to sound very scary. I wanted to burst into tears. I deserved it too. All of a sudden I was crying and then I felt a tight squeeze. _Aiden._ He was the reason I always felt sad and angry around Blaine and he was the drug I am addicted to deal with this pain. I feel like I should get a divorce, but I was too much of a coward to do so or even admit my actions to Blaine. Sweet Blaine, who would never deserve a man like me. I still love Blaine, yet over the past couple weeks Aiden was turning into something more than an affair.

While I was crying, Aiden took over and put the phone on the receiver. He held me and shushed me from loud sobbing to soft sniffles. He looked me in the eyes and took my hands.

" Kurt, I don't think I could be with you."

I was shocked. I should be the one asking that question, " What?" I didn't cry. I very much liked Aiden, but I didn't cry at all. I ripped my hands away from his.

He shrugged. That's the best answer he could return. " Kurt, baby, I do like you very much. But I am a relationship kind of gu-" I put my finger to his mouth.

" What, you're a relationship kind of guy. Randomly fucking a guy who's married is not a relationship," I asked, my eyes narrowing. " If you're a relationship type of guy, then why me? Why not Maxxie from the youth group?"

" My attraction to you was the reason I slept with you," He answered. "You are amazing, Kurt. After me witnessing on the phone of how he treats you , it's not fair. You deserve better, but clearly you can't break away from him."

" I can't just dump him. We have been together for over ten years, and I met you three months ago," I shot back. " I still love him and Blaine is not an angry person either."

Aiden shook his head. " If he is not an angry person, than what is he? Is he just boring and predictable or is he sexy and charming, Kurt," Aiden shot right back with even more venom.

" No, he is a lovely husband and father."

Aiden got really angry and started to shout" If he is a loving husband and father, than what are you Kurt? His trophy husband with a fine ass and moral values that he shows off to all his colleagues or are you his husband who holds onto deep dark secrets Blaine doesn't know about? Pick one Kurt , because we both know you can't be both!" I turned away from his angry face. I didn't want any more anger or drama. My life was full of it. My life as dad to my boys and husband to Blaine and my secret life with Aiden and his dinner dates and midnight rendezvous in his condo.

" Kurt, I am just going to leave." Aiden started to pick up his coat and walk out.

" Aiden! Aiden wait!" I called out as Aiden was just about to walk out the door. " I really like you, a lot. You remind me of the early years of Blaine, and that makes me feel young again. But, you're not him and you never will be him. I don't want to hurt you."

" Kurt, you won't hurt me. I can take care of myself. But, the truth is that I believe your not just another fuck. I think your something more. I want a relationship with you," he gripped both my shoulders and looked me in the eyes. He then ran his hand over my hair and that caused me to blush. " I don't want to continue a deceitful relationship built on lies. I want you to live with me if you ever leave Blaine. Which I hope is sometime in the future." He pulled me closer and gave me a passionate kiss on the lips.

I did like Aiden, very much . But I have a good instinct that he will one day love me by the way he kissed me with so much passion and love . Yet, I still love Blaine very much.

" Come on' Kurt , let's go upstairs." He took my hand as we padded upstairs.

We ended up having sex on my bed. Sorry, me and Blaine's bed. It was weird to sleep with another man in a bed that I sleep with in with my husband. It was about 2 in the morning, when we finally drifted to a deep sleep, naked and holding each other.

It was about ten in the morning, when we suddenly awakened to loud, angry swearing.

A/N- Ohhhh, suspense! Cause I love it and I know you do too! I'll try to update soon, if possible but I have to read a 400 page book over the weekend so it's going to be awhile. Don't lose faith in me, I will always deliver and never deliver shotty stories, unless you tell me I do.


	5. Chapter 5

A/N Yes it's been awhile since the last time I updated I you probably pissed at me for doing that but this chapter in my opinion is very angsty! I hope it's not to angsty for some people, but I really enjoy reading angst or some odd reason. I did receive some amazing comments for my last story. One comment and I forget who wrote it, said "Oh ahit." My friends and I are still debating whether it is oh a hit or oh shit and if that oh shit was a good "oh shit" or a bad "oh shit". Very funny though and either way you spelt it, thank you. Yes this story in very odd or some Klaine fans to read but I didn't want my story to end like most fan fiction stories do where Kurt or Blaine accidentally cheats on them and through a whole trial of events and emotions end up together in about 4 chapters. I clearly am not that writer but this opinion does not mean I hate stories like this! Of course I love the stories where Kurt and Blaine get back together and have a family filled with love, but since I don't live with a happy family and have the greatest love life ( I haven't even kissed a boy yet!) romance stories are something I don't relate with. I really enjoy hardcore angst fan fictions like Yadiva's stories who is a fabulous writer for those who haven't read their fan fiction and I also love stories from Voilethillbeautiful. And I want to say thank you all the people who are reading and favourite and comment and to the people who probably skipped this long a/n, this chapters for you!

Disclaimer- I don't own gLee, but I will own up to the fact that I am a slow writer.

I awoke from my dazed slumber from the annoying sunlight hitting my eyes with my head spinning and my heart heavy. My head feels like splitting open this morning, probably due to the unholy amount of alcohol I consumed after my 'wonderful 'phone call with Kurt. I wanted to erase all memory of that viscous phone call, yet only my hangover seems to have kept that memory still alive and awful. I was so angry after I called Kurt; I went downstairs to my father's liqueur cabinet to find the strongest whiskey he had. I spent the rest of my night drinking away my sorrows in the living room and crying into my pillow in my bedroom.

I went downstairs to the kitchen at around 7 am. The kitchen was designed to be uber modern with sleek granite counters and fancy brand new stainless- steel appliances. The kitchen was kind of awkward for my dad's eccentric personality, but my dad never had time to take to decorate a kitchen, so he hired dome random interior designer. I found my father was sitting in a suit at the kitchen table reading the Lima Times. He is always dressed for work, despite being a Saturday, because father enjoys going to work on the weekend, which is one of the very few weird habits about my father. I was in the kitchen in my blue plaid pj bottoms and a white t-shirt looking for coffee. My father glanced at me before saying, "Hey."

"Good morning." I said to him with my hot coffee safely in my hands and me leaning on the counter.

My father folded the paper and clasped his hands together and looked at me, "So, what are your plans today?"

"The boys and I are heading out at around 9-ish. I-I need to see Kurt and talk to him, about last night." I put a hand on my raging headache, _ughh I need to find some Tylenol. _

My father raised an eyebrow. "What happened last night?"

I walked into the living room with my father walking closely behind me, "I called Kurt last night and long story short, Kurt hung up on me when I started to get angry. Dad, I swear I heard another person in my house. I swear I could hear a man." I collapsed on the couch. "I ended up getting drunk off one off your bottles of whiskey and I woke up with this huge ass hangover. I just wanted to forget that phone call, yet somehow today that is the only thing on my mind."

My father shook his head and sat beside, "Blaine, no matter what you do your never going to forget what happened last night. What I suggest is eat a big breakfast, go for a jog, and freshen up. Do that before you wake up the boys because they are just going to add to your migraine." I looked up at my dad and smiled, as did he. My father always knew just what to do.

"Blaine." my father said, "despite our past we are both are very alike in many ways."

I nodded. My father and I do hold many similarities in our looks, personality's, and our emotions. My father and I were was not as tall as many of the people we know and he and I both share the curly hair gene, which he slicks back with gel. I grew up with him doing watching him slick his hair every morning so it was natural that I started to do it when I reached my thirteenth birthday, or as my father calls it the "day a boy turns into a young man" or something. We also share the curse of our alcohol tolerance. T only takes about two light beers to getting us tipsy. Kurt always tsk'd why we have alcohol at our house, when I get wasted after a couple glasses of wine. Kurt's the reason why I don't drink as much a I use to in college.

Another aspect me and my father share is our short temper. I remember if I never took the garbage out the second my father asked me, he would pull out his loud voice to call me. I remember all the times I was sentenced upstairs because my parents decided on having a fight over whatever god forsaken thing that ticked them off. My anger was probably the worst thing about me, but when I meet Kurt it's like my usual things that would tick me off seemed like nothing compared to him. But lately even things I once enjoyed make me sick to my stomach.

My father patted my back which knocked me back to earth and rose off the sofa, "Oh, look at the time! It is almost 7. I got to go Blaine."

I stood up to walk my dad to the front door, "Blaine you have a key to this house, right?" I nodded and looked out through the window to see that the sky was quite cloudy with grey clouds. "Good. You need a place to stay; you can always stay with me when you leave Kurt."

"Dad, I have been thinking and I think Kurt and I need a therapist." Again my dad raised an eyebrow. "I think we need to have some communication and at least be civil if you know, we were to ever get a divorce. Plus I need to understand why he had an affair. I really need to know where we went wrong."

My father took a deep breath, "Whatever floats your boat. Your mother didn't agree to therapy, so don't get your hopes up high." My father left for work after he said that. I shut the door and let out a deep breath. I hope Kurt agrees for couple's counselling.

I went out for a run after I ate a large breakfast. I enjoyed letting the wind hit my face and the air run through my lungs. I came back to my father's house at 8:14 am. I took a long and warm shower and for the first time ever I didn't cry during my shower. I put on a grey sweater with maroon trim and a pair of straight leg beige cords. I went into one of the spare bedrooms and saw that my two boys were still fast asleep, while Charlie was asleep by their feet. They looked absolutely adorable and innocent I almost took a picture. I shook the boys a little for them to wake up and told them to go downstairs for breakfast.

As I walked downstairs, Nathan followed closely behind me and Josh was in the washroom. "Daddy?" Nathan asked me, "Why were you yelling in your room last night? Me and Josh didn't sleep that well 'cause you were loud." I looked down at my son who looked very curious about the events that happened last night. Had to lie to him, he wouldn't understand.

"Yeah, Nathan that was just some guy at work who didn't know what he was doing. I had to yell at him to focus." I peered down at my son to give me an understanding look. My sons shrugged and went into the kitchen. I walked into the kitchen thankful he wasn't as curious as most seven year olds are.

We left my father's house and patted Charlie goodbye and made our way home. I knew I had to confront Kurt, but I suddenly felt a lot more confident than I did last night. For a second I felt peaceful. That didn't last too long.

"Daddy," Joshua asked me in the car, "When we get home can we play Monopoly?" I was about to answer until Nathan interrupted.

"No I don't wanna play Monopoly! I wanna play Clue! Monopoly is too hard!" Nathan screamed. My hangover migraine was faint, but this screaming would only make it come back.

"Why do we have to play Clue? It's not even the grown up clue, Nathan! You only play Clue Junior 'cause you're a baby. Daddy, tell him we don't want to play that game!" Joshua replied back at his brother. Before I knew it Nathan hit his brother and that started a whirlwind of hitting and yelling in the car.

"Boys! Stop fighting right now or I will give you guys a good yelling at! I do not want to pull over this car and give you each a spanking! It's been a hard week for me and you two are acting childish! Grow up right now!" I yelled right at my kids.

I yelled at them the same way I yelled at Kurt last night. Sure they were pushing and screaming, but what kind of brothers in the world never does that. I know my brother and I had as few tiffs of our own. I felt immediately guilty for yelling at them. A second after I yelled at them, Nathan started to whine and cry repeating the words, "I'm sorry!" with tears in his eyes. Pan and hurt washed over me when I witnessed my own sons crying.

Joshua started to stay quiet for a real long time and I heard him silently crying. I felt real bad for unleashing that level of anger on them. Nathan was still too little to "grow up" and yelling at Joshie was bad for him dealing with his depression.

I looked in my review mirror and apologized to my sons. It was not their bickering that caused my outburst (okay partially their fault, but that's not the point.)

"Nathan. Look at me." I said exhausted. Nathan rose up his head with puffy red eyes and all, "I'm sorry I yelled at you like that. You too, Joshua." Joshua raised his head up and nodded slightly.

"How are you feeling, Josh." I asked. I tried to smile, but it came out more like a toothy frown.

He looked at me with a tear or two running done his face, "Fine." Josh answered in such a heartbreaking monotone voice. He turned his head away from me. I felt especially hurt. The rest of the drive home was silent.

By the time we got home it was 9:51 am and it was a major thunderstorm happening outside. The boys ran out of the car, while I took the overnight bags inside. Out of the corner of my eye, I noticed a strange car parked in front of our house but I brushed it aside "Boys, I want you to play in the basement. I need to do some work upstairs."

"Can we go say hi to Father first?" asked Joshua. I smiled. Nathan called Kurt daddy as he did with me, but from day Joshua started speaking e always called Kurt father. I always loved that about Josh.

I unlocked the door and tossed the keys into the key bowl. As I put away my shoes I noticed a pair of random shoes at the front door.

"Um, no you guys go downstairs." I heard groaning from the two.

They hung up their jackets and trotted down to the basement door until I heard the door closed. I glanced at the pair of shoes on the shoe matt at the front door. The shoes were some blue pair of low top converse that I don't have the slightest recollection of Kurt having a pair like that. _I would have to ask him later,_ I thought, but that only made my mind wonder to other ideas of the shoes.

I walked up the two sets of stairs and walked to our bedroom. I slightly opened the door and peeked in to see Kurt's soft sleeping face. I saw that he was naked on my bed, which is very strange, but it kind of gave me a boner. I peered over a little from the door to see a little lump beside Kurt, which kind of got me saying huh? In my head.

I opened the door more and I saw a random head that was not Kurt's' on _my _pillow on_ my_ side of the bed. I pushed the door open to see Kurt being spooned by the man in those pictures I saw a couple weeks back. It was Aiden in my bed, next to my husband, in my house, who was equally as naked as my husband. I was raging with fury, yet I finally had some solid proof that Kurt was a lying, cheating, and unfaithful husband. I started to fight back tears, but the pain was too much. I was also jealous.

I wanted to be Aiden. I peered over the two of them to get a good look of Aiden and I guess I felt kind of jealous looking at him. I am jealous of his capability to maintain his high ratio of muscle to a very low ratio of fat. I am jealous of Aiden's straight nice n' easy golden brown hair and his tall stature. I was jealous because I wanted to be in Aiden's' place ,who right now was holding my husband with his very built arms and his very young body and very young face resting on my husband. In reality, I am not Aiden, who is cuddling with my husband. Right now I am the thirty-five year old father who is hovering over his husband and his affair are in our bed while my two innocent children were downstairs completely unaware of the events happening upstairs.

My mind was going a mile a minute and I was shaking all over. I was thinking _what am I going to do_ and _should I leave the room_. I realised I was standing over them for five fucking minutes and I didn't do a damn thing yet. _You're a coward Blaine just do it_, I thought_. Remember what your father said._

Despite being a coward and shaking like I was in the South Pole wearing only a spring coat, I was of course angry at Kurt, but I not as sensitive as I was over the weeks. I went to my son's bathroom up the hall. I looked at my bloodshot eyes and my pale skin not to mention that my heart was beating like a terrorists strapped a bomb to my chest. I splashed some water on my face and took a deep breath. Courage, I thought. I decided that wasn't enough so I went downstairs and took a couple of large swigs of whisky. Kurt always told me I was a lightweight, so in a few minutes I was drunk off my ass. Finally I had strength and courage to confront him and his affair, thanks to my little friend called liquid courage. I had a chance, so I barged down the hallway and slammed open the door.

The first thing that popped out of my mouth when I reached my bedroom was, "GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY BED!" It unleashed out of my system with anger and loudness dripping from it. Kurt and Aiden awoke from my bed immediately.

Kurt was defiantly surprised to see me and his whore almost fell out off my bed. He was wrapped up in a bed sheet with hickeys and bruises all over his skin. It made me sick. " B-Blaine uhh…hell…" Kurt stuttered out. He was caught in the act and defiantly scared. I tend to real scary when I am drunk like pushy and shit. Kurt immediately put on briefs and his slut put on his clothes as well.

"Kurt you have exactly 20 fucking minutes to leave this goddamn house! I know that you been screwing this whore over here," I jabbed a thumb in Aiden's direction, "I want you gone and out of this house now!" I came over to Kurt and yanking him up by his arm, who was crying his eyes out. I grabbed his arm so hard it would probably leave bruises, but I didn't care.

"Blaine, don't-don't do this to me!" Kurt was crying his eyes out. I looked at him with so much anger. His twink watched tentatively beside us. I yanked up Kurt by the arm, and from the noises he was making he did not enjoy it.

"Kurt, you don't mean anything to me as of today! I want you and your twink out of my fucking house in five minutes NOW!" I raged, "I don't mean anything to you either! I thought what we fucking had been amazing with our kids and house and shit. We used to be so full of love and fun, but now it's gone to the sh-shitter thanks to- to you Kurt! I hate you because of that!"I yelled at him tears in my eyes. The world stopped turning after I said that.

I looked in the bedroom mirror to witness Aiden reflection, who was also gazing back at me. I saw fear in his eyes, but I never saw sympathy look either. Kurt looked sad, but at the same time kind of angry. Haste and tugging fast on his clothes was the way I could tell he was not pleased.

I sat down on the bed with my head in my hands. I know right, such a casual move for a room filled with awkward tension, but I was tired. I looked up at Kurt, who finished getting dressed and I didn't see Aiden in the room anymore.

"Why would you do this Kurt? Why the fuck would you do this to us?"

Kurt took a deep breath and leaned on our dresser. His eyes were still puffy and red from crying earlier and looked very tired as well. He looked at me straight in my eyes, "I want to be honest Blaine, I am not happy." I gave him a confusing face, like the wtf face I see many of my pupils wear when they forgot the due date of an assignment.

"I-I am not happy. Ever since you got this job you were coming home later and later. We never communicate anymore and we barely have time to spend together. I was becoming unhappy and felt unloved." Kurt stated." I felt like I was just there as decoration, not the man you married."

I hated that Kurt seemed so calm, when I was the complete opposite right now.

"What are you talking about? _You_ never want to fucking communicate anymore. You pull away all the time when we-we try to get intimate. It's not me at all its just you!" I stood up for some reason, "You have everything you ever wanted! Kids, a house, and a decent job! Your just fucking selfish, you know that Kurt? I always wanted to tell you that, but I never wanted to upset you because I loved you," I saw Kurt flinch at the past tense of love. "I knew about this affair for weeks and for months I tortured myself with thoughts of me being wrong until I realised that I am not."

"When did you f-find out?"

"I found it on your laptop. Pictures from Aiden clearly told me." I spat at Kurt, "You're just a selfish bitch Kurt."

"No Blaine I am not selfish!" Kurt raised his voice, "He was near me standing face to face. " I work ungodly hours and raise our sons until I am tired to the fucking bone! When was the last time you took time to take me out on a date and showed a little fucking appreciation in what I do! You take time out of your day for your students that defiantly don't need your help but your fucking clueless mind is thinking that they are here for your help even though they are flirting!"

"Hey don't turn this on me; I am not the one who fucking cheated on his husband with some whore in their bed!"

Kurt stuck a finger in my face which I shoved away from my face, "Don't you fucking dare call Aiden a whore! He was there for me when you weren't flirting with younger students after school hours! I deserve to be special, but now I am living the "dream" of being stuck in this fucking cow town and married with kids that drive me up the fucking wall every day with their bickering and their fucking whining and fits! I never wanted this life, so if you're going to stand there and call me a selfish and arrogant bitch than go right fucking head Blaine!"

"So being a father is not special enough for you! Being married to me is not special enough for your! Than tell me Kurt, what the fuck is so special to you" I yelled in disbelief, my whole body shaking with anger.

"I just want to live the life seventeen year old Kurt Hummel planned, not suburban housewife driven mad by his fucking husband and kids. I never wanted to leave New York, but you just had too! When was the last time I disagreed with you in any decision making between the both of us and you were totally okay with it? Never that's what!" That stung because not only did he mention that marriage was a mistake, but so were our kids.

"YOU REALLY ARE A HUGE ASS BITCH, YOU KNOW THAT KURT!" I scream back, because that was crossing a line. Kurt became real quiet and turned his back to me, which only made me more pissed than I all ready was.

"Well, what do you have to say for yourself?" I screamed back. The fact that the alcohol was making my voice louder didn't help. "Are you going to say to me that you are selfish and the fact that you mistrusted your family and now you're WHORING YOURSELF OUT THERE TO A FUCKING TWINK! Tell me Kurt, just tell me!" I grabbed Kurt and jerked him towards my face. His face was a wet mess. It looked like someone dunked his face into the ocean.

Kurt whispered ever so quietly, "F-Fuck _you _Blaine."

I snapped. My hand came in out of nowhere and slapped a hard one onto his face onto his face. He fell to the ground and immediately started to cry again and wince in pain. I was so mad; I gave him a slight kick to the side for no reason. I started to cry as well. Violence was the farthest a fight of me and Kurt's has ever escalated. Initially, I never wanted our fight to go like this, but then again I never wanted to find him with a man in our bed.

"I don't even know how I put up with you for all these months I knew! You are so selfish and I never even knew why I married you!" I screamed at him with tears in my eyes. Kurt slowly picked himself off the floor with one hand over the hot red mark on his cheek. I walked over and kneeled as Kurt got up off the floor. He had tears running down his face. I heard him sniff and looked up at me, "Get the fuck away from me Blaine."Kurt whispered in an angry tone of voice.

That did it for me, so I trotted over to his side of the closet and I pulled out his luggage from the closet. I pulled it out with anger that anything surrounding the luggage fell and I just kicked everything around my feet that fell. I opened his dresser and grabbed out all his clothes and pushed it in his luggage.

I turned to face a helpless Kurt and I walked up to him, "Did I mean anything to you, Kurt? Huh? Did Aiden give things to you that I didn't, huh!" I yelled at Kurt. I started to push Kurt in the shoulders and stomach, hard, until he collapsed on the wall.

Kurt started to full fledge start sobbing. I gathered up the rest of all his belongings and zipped up his bag. "That hur-hurt Blaine a-a lot."

"You know what fucking hurts Kurt?" I looked down at him, "My heart hurts. But you clearly don't give a shit, so why should I do the same for you?"

"I love you Blaine," Kurt whispered to me. "I will always love you, but lately we haven't been like we used to be! We both changed since we got married." I stood there quiet turned away from Kurt with my head bowed down.

"What are you doing with my stuff?" Kurt asked, I remained quiet, "Blaine what are you doing?"

This was pissing him off that I was touching his things that _I_ bought for him. I really wanted to hurt Kurt emotionally more than physically than I had just one gave him a few minutes ago. I walked dimly to the frame of Kurt and his mother. It was taken on Kurt's 6th birthday and they were all smiley and happy. It was the last photo of the two off them until his mother was stuck and killed by a drunk driver a week later. That's why Kurt didn't like to have alcohol in the house or even drink it. I picked it up and dropped it on the floor smashing the frame to pieces before Kurt could try and stop me. I was really wasted.

Immediately, Kurt started to cry even harder as he walked to the pile of glass to uncover the sacred photo that was slightly scratched from some glass." W- Why would you do that Blaine?" He stared to cry louder. I was overstepping it too much. My initial plan was to confront him, not abuse him to oblivion. I was too drunk to care about Kurt's feelings.

"You're leaving like I asked you too," I ignored his question. I broke his beloved picture frame because he broke something he was supposed to love, "You don't deserve to see me or our children."

That got his attention, "What?"

"You can't see our kids."

Kurt looked like someone stabbed him in the heart. "W-Who will watch them, Blaine? You're at work 'till late anyway? You are clearly drunk Blaine. I am the only fit parent to watch them!"

"Not when you're whoring yourself out! You just said that our children were a mistake, so why would I let you bend over backwards to help me raise them? Don't come back to them, ever and don't ever set foot in this house again." I said venom dripping in my voice. "You clearly have other priorities higher than other kids." I grabbed Kurt's arm and yanked him down the stairs, luggage in tow.

"No, Blaine, I love Josh and Nathan! You can't take them away from me! I won't allow it!"Kurt was in hysterics, but I didn't care." You're a bastard, Blaine! You know that? You're a fucking bastard!"

I opened the front door and pushed him outside, "Get the fuck out Kurt."

Kurt scrambled out the door tears falling in his cheeks. He turned to me and said "Can I at least say bye to _my_ children?" The nerve of saying that to me got me so angry. Kurt was the one who paid for the fees to adopt both boys, I was just getting on my feet with my new teaching job and paying back my student loans, so I had almost no money. Kurt and his father put their savings together in order to pay for Josh and Nathan and until this day. Kurt never said that they were just his children, but always our children.

With anger in my mind and no will power to hold me back. I punched Kurt square in the jaw and watched as he fell to the ground. I ripped off my wedding ring as I saw Kurt sobbing louder in pain and threw it to him. I saw his bloody and tear filled face for a split second and I shouted back at him before I slammed the door, "Get the fuck off my property."

I shut the door without a second thought on how much damage I caused Kurt. I slid down a wall with a tears dripping from my eyes and a sore heart. I cried into my knees and immediately regretted punching Kurt, because at that moment I forget the consequences of my actions. I cried because the man I loved betrayed me in my own bed, or the fact my family's taking a turn for the worst or maybe because was one of the many reasons our marriage was failing.

"Fuck." I whispered to myself. I started to bawl. I stopped crying when I realised a crying Joshua stood near the upper staircase with tears down his face. It took me about a nanosecond to see that he saw the whole thing.

A/N- Oh the suspense! Last authors note for this chapter (ha-ha defiantly not for the entire story). Sorry if I didn't mention any abuse in the beginning of this chapter I you not a fan. I think I made Blaine punch and hit and kick Kurt about three- four times and that doesn't count the times Blaine's yanked his arm. So I made Blaine a scarydrunk! and not a weepy drunk. Don't worry, I will not make Blaine hit his kids, I am not that cruel and I am totally against domestic violence!

I also wanted to ask if you guys could give an opinion in the comment section. I want to know if you want Klaine to divorce or get back together. I have a whole note book of ideas but I want your say on the relationship of Klaine because if anything the audience should decide how they want it to end because duh this is called fan fiction for a reason and they are the people who should be really enjoying it. Also leave a comment if you have any feedback to give to me or want to comment of your liking/ disliking of any other characters other than Klaine. Have a great weekend!


	6. Chapter 6

A/N- Hey long time no sees! It took me a while to write this chapter and I hope all that time was worth waiting! Thank you for all the wonderful feedback and if you favourite or subscribed or wrote a comment I wouldn't have gotten it because my messenger wasn't really workings so I didn't get it. I had to go to my story to see the comments you guys wrote. Thank you for writing and last but not least enjoy!

Disclaimer- I will never own gLee and I probably won't get it as a gift either. Please, I asked for season one when last Christmas and I didn't get it. I had to go buy it for myself in the summer.

"So, how are you guys today?" asked Dr. Morgan pushing back her glasses to the bridge of her nose with her index finger. She was sitting in a black leather chair across from Kurt and me. We sat uncomfortably together on the red couch facing Dr. Morgan. Kurt and I were very far apart on the couch, none of us willing to come any closer. Somehow, Kurt and I agreed to console civilly in the same room. Kurt was staying over at someone's house, I didn't catch their name and nor did I care who was housing Kurt. I haven't heard from Kurt in over two weeks and before that about a week.

After Kurt left, a stunned Joshua was a top of the stairs bawling his eyes out. I ran after Josh the second I spotted his teary face, but he raced toward his bedroom and locked his door before I had the chance to catch up to him. For weeks since he saw the entire incident between me and Kurt, he was more quiet than usual and would stay in his room for hours after school and would only come out to have dinner or go to school. After I kicked out Kurt and scared Josh, I got real drunk. I was so wasted I ended up waking the next morning on my kitchen counter to see a pissed off Quinn shaking me excessively. Apparently, Joshua called her because "daddy was yelling and destroying everything he could see." There were papers from books I managed to tare apart and broken glass and ceramic from the many dishes and glasses I whipped to the floor all during my angry and betrayed rage fuelled by alcohol. For the weeks that Kurt was not here, Quinn helped manage the house. She cooked and cleaned and helped take care of the boys and dumped out any and all alcohol from my house. I just went to work and I came home at 11 and fell on top of my bed as I usually cried myself to sleep. Kurt was right; I did need help with the kids.

Now Kurt and I were stuck here in a therapist office supposed to be discussing our martial problems but it seems only fit that Kurt is the one with the problems. He sat there quiet and totally broken. I wonder why.

"Let's start with you Blaine. How do you feel today?" Dr. Morgan asked me. She sounded very caring and gentle, a charter trait I haven't been in contact with in a while.

I wanted to be honest with my feelings which were anger and believe it or not, a sense of calmness. Maybe it was the wall colour or the water feature in the corner of the room. I could feel a soothing sense but the airy feel of anger and resentment was still lingering in the air.

"I fee-feel tired for the most p-part." I stuttered out. Dr. Morgan nodded.

"Why are you so tired?"

I blinked at such a pointless question, "Um...I guess I have been running around trying to manage the house and my job by myself." In the corner of my eye I saw Kurt roll his eyes. I turned my head toward Kurt and spat out at him, "Do you have a problem with that Kurt?"

"I do actually. I know for a fact that Quinn's been running around the place doing everything, not you." He answered quietly. He seemed pretty tired as well and quiet and didn't answer back with an attempt at being angry in his voice.

I was shocked at Kurt sudden bluntness. I turned my head to see Dr. Morgan scribbling something in a notebook.

"You have been talking to Quinn?" I asked.

"Yes, I have." Kurt replied. I was shocked, why was Quinn hiding their conversations from me?

"Blaine how do you feel that your friend Quinn has been telling Kurt the happenings around your house for the past weeks with out knowing?" asked Dr. Morgan.

"I feel fine, I just wish she would tell me the truth, I guess. I just don't take kindly to people who don't tell me anything or lie to me," I answered back. I always feel like people should be honest with their feelings and never tell me anything but the truth, but it was one of the many philosophies in my life that were often broken.

"Mmm… why do you want people to be honest with you?" asked Dr. Morgan, "Were you always fond of the truth or was there a certain incident that sparked your philosophy of honesty?"

Oh, my God it was like she read my mind. "I-I just thought with marriage came trust and honesty between two faithful partners like Kurt nod I. Well I guess I was wrong," I glare at Kurt who shrank into his seat. "And I was never one to hold onto secrets or fib. I was raised to believe that lies, which only shield from the truth, will come back and hut more people than thought to before."

Dr. Morgan nodded, "Good philosophy in life Blaine." I shrug and look over to Kurt who is staring at the wall in the office room. He must have been zoning out or something.

"Kurt, how have you been feeling during these weeks?" Dr. Morgan finally said snapping Kurt out of his trance.

I turned by body toward Kurt. I really wanted to hear what my husband had to say. He opened his mouth and at first no sound was made, but after a couple seconds he finally cut the silence, " First off, I wanted to say ho-how sorry for what I did to you, even though right now you probably don't want to forgive me ju-just yet," Kurt managed to stutter out. He seemed nervous to finish what he had to say, "But over the few weeks we were part I have done some- some thinking and I feel like you should gave me a-an a-apology as w-well." He lifted to face the ceiling which is what he does when he tries to stop his tears flowing down his cheeks.

I sat there stunned and mad. "Why on earth should I give you an apology? After all the reason we are in a therapists office is because of your shit!" I sat there shouting in my chair like a mad man.

Dr. Morgan put a hand in front of my face and stopped me before I could say anymore." Blaine this office is a safe zone. Everyone here can speak their mind without fear and retaliation. If you don't abide by my rules than I'm going to ask you to leave, okay?" I stare at her for a second and slowly nod. She seemed to have me whipped.

"Now Kurt why do you think Blaine owes you an apology?" asked Dr. Morgan, pen and paper ready.

Now I looked over to Kurt who was sitting kind of funny and tears pouring down his cheeks. He was staring at neither me nor Dr. Morgan. He had his head in his hand and took a deep breath before he replied, "The night he found Aiden and I in bed, Blaine kept pushing me a-and hitting me and he even punched once all while swearing abuse at my face. He even broke an s-special photo of my mother and even though you were intoxicated Blaine, I know that you know it w-was wrong to do those things." Kurt started to break down crying. Dr. Morgan handed him a few tissues.

"Blaine have you exerted any abuse in the home before this incident?" asked Dr. Morgan. I sat there dumbfounded. She didn't look angry at me and didn't look sympathetic to Kurt much either.

"Uh…what…o-of course...of course not! I don't believe in violence." I managed to stammer out. I looked beside me to witness a tearful Kurt.

Dr. Morgan nodded. "Since you were intoxicated and you abused Kurt, were your children present?" asked Dr. Morgan.

Kurt answered this one. He whispered a no and looked over at me. I gulped knowing that was not true. Kurt wasn't the one to see Joshua at the top of the staircase. I looked away from Kurt's eyes, but it seems like he just knew I was hiding the truth. "Blaine, the kids were upstairs?" asked Kurt with fear in his voice. I nodded slowly and I heard Kurt take in a sharp breath.

"Blaine what were your children doing upstairs?" asked Dr. Morgan. I shrugged, but I wanted to give them a more meaningful answer. "I guess Josh was there at the wrong time upstairs."

"Did you confront Josh with the incident he saw?" I really wanted to leave at that moment but the dagger eyes that Kurt kept shooting at me kept me aground in my chair.

"No." I finally said with my shoulders slumped.

Kurt looked real mad. The truth was that I was afraid to talk to Josh. He was so vulnerable and his depression made him seem broken and I of course am not the gentlest person so I have no idea to handle it and neither does Josh either.

"How has Josh been doing for the past weeks?" asked Dr. Morgan again.

"Uhh... umm… Josh and I haven't been on the same page lately. He became distant and from what Quinn tells me he is wetting his bed again and he just turned ten. He locks himself in the room and sometimes I hear murmurs in his bedroom. I think he might be talking to his pet guinea pig. I know he is doing well in school but friends are a bit of a sore spot for him, I guess." I unloaded all of Joshua's problems in front of my therapist and my husband who hasn't seen or heard from him in almost a month.

Dr. Morgan doesn't say anything or do anything either. Kurt was the first one to speak though, "S-So while I have been gone this is been going on with our fragile son who is being neglected and has been diagnosed with depression and you've done nothing about it? What have you been doing?" demanded Kurt. He looked pissed and broken. I started to cry. Tears were pouring down my face while me angry, cheater husband glared at me with red, puffy eyes like it was my fault all this shit started happening. Dr. Morgan handed a tissue off to me as I dried my eyes.

"Why have you been neglecting the conversation of your son witnessing you and your husband have a fight?" asked Dr. Morgan

"It wasn't just a fight Kurt and I had that day. It was me finding the reason of our marriage ending." I said through gritted teeth. "I finding him in bed made me sad and betrayed! I just can't believe you did that Kurt like though all the shit we have been through in our lives together you had to be the fire starter in this huge ass shit storm!" I angrily gestured my hands and tears were spilling from eyes.

"Blaine, you never answered my question."

"I just don't want to deal with Josh. I don't want to tell him or Nathan that there family is breaking apart and their just so so young. I remember when my parents would fight. I would pray that if they stopped I would be a good son for them. I blamed their fighting on me all the time like it was my fault. I don't want that for my kids but I feel like it is too late. I know its happening by the way I c-come home late and barely see them on the w-weekends. You see, I am usually asleep or doing work and Quinn or my father deals with them while I am away and since he is gone the only rarely see me for a few minutes a day. I just- just can't look at them and talk to them about the harsh reality of their family." I want to be honest, even if the truth can hurt.

"Blaine, why didn't you call me?" asked Kurt who frankly seemed like he was butting in.

"Because Kurt I do remember you saying our children were a mistake and that they were in the way of your dreams! I don't want your negativity around them."

Kurt starts again with the waterworks. He drains of water faster than Niagara Falls.

"Kurt, is Blaine telling the truth?" Kurt nods slightly.

" I just want my kids back. I am sorry Blaine for saying that. I am angry because of the state of my life now and defiantly not the way I wanted it to become. At thirty-six I thought my life would get better, but I realise that life isn't like that," whispered Kurt. I looked away from him. I never did give Kurt the satisfaction of apologizing for hitting him. I needed too, but I just didn't feel like it.

"Our session is almost over but I want to ask you something Blaine, is that alright?"

"Shoot." This is what I would do to myself if my sons were the only thing left that kept me waking up every morning.

Dr. Morgan spoke up quickly," I believe you two have issues. Like serious issues that are in your family, and individually. Even within your first session it's clear that you guys have problems both in yourselves, relationship, and family. I believe having separate, couples and family sessions Is the best idea for this family. I think you guys should come for twice a week sessions and we will continue from here to work on all your problems, okay? But Blaine it all dims down to one question; do you want to work with me to help you, which help your sons, who help the process of learning how we can help you and Kurt's marriage?" A total blank came on me and Kurt's faces. Why did we have to hire the most confusing and not-so-straightforward therapist my father recommended? She read my body language, "What I mean is do you want to work on your marriage and family or do you just want to cut the life support cord that is me. I am the only one that can make your lives somewhat back to its original state, but that's only if you chose. So do you?"

I thought long and hard. I remember the good memories of me and my sons and Kurt. Waking up on Saturday to morning hugs and kisses from Nathan or Josh or Kurt, having noodle races as a family in our pool, making cookies to bring when we go to visit Burt and Carole or my father, and even the lovely moments of Kurt and I making love like we use to and the quiet whispers of sweet nothings in our ears we were so fond of hearing. Sigh, such a long time ago. And I wanted those moments back, but our family seemed broken beyond repair. It only seemed broken, but I hope it was just me and Kurt that were the broken ones.

"I don't know anymore, actually," I finally replied. "After what you did to me Kurt, it seems like global-warming randomly being fixed will be more possible than our fucked- up marriage." Dr. Morgan just nodded and turned and asked Kurt the same question.

Kurt took a little longer than I did, "I want to fix our marriage and family to a happier state. If our marriage cannot be reinstated than … I want out as well." I sighed, as well as Kurt.

"Okay, well next session is going to be Kurt, alright?" She wrote something down on her notepad and ripped it out for Kurt. "In two weeks I want you guys and your sons to meet, okay?" I nodded as I rose from my seat and Kurt opened her door to leave.

"Oh Blaine and Kurt wait a moment!" Dr. Morgan called us startling me and Kurt with her more pronounced voice. We turned to face ad listen to her, "Kurt, I want you to move back into your home." Before I could get a word in she put up her hand. "From what I heard Kurt for now seems like the most responsible parent with his work schedule being flexible for their school hours. Blaine, you are obviously troubled by these ongoing family problems and stressed out as well so, I would like to prescribe you taking at least a week or two vacation." She scribbled something on a notepad. "Talk this to your boss and he or she will allow you with this prescription to take a vacation. I feel like you are on the verge of being depressed and this vacation will help take the sting of it."

I was stunned. A vacation was something I never had in a long time without the kids or Kurt. I was also a little upset that I would have to move out of the house and away from the kids because of the separation between Kurt and I. Separation, wow. I never thought I would ever say those words. I turned to see Kurt, who looked a little jealous of my vacation. At least he would have the kids and the house to himself. I pushed out any thoughts of who might Kurt bring to my house, because for the next two weeks it was all about me. I would defiantly miss the kids. I have a great connection with the kids, better than Kurt but lately Kurt and I have been pushing them away. We just don't have time for them anymore especially with me finding the whole affair thing. I hope they won't drift away and end up as dope heads when they are older because Kurt and I are on the brink of divorce. I hope for my children's sake it will get better. Not just for my kids too but for Kurt and I. I love Kurt, but every time I look at him I see him stark naked with a random 20 something year old.

I left the room not without giving Dr. Morgan a thank you and goodbye. Kurt followed behind me and it only hit me when I could here his footsteps on the marble floor in the vacant hallway, minus me and Kurt. We both took the elevator down and I felt the awkwardness kick in. I use to feel comfortable around Kurt, until recently I feel as relaxed around him as I would be with a homophobe. The elevator ride was like 2 minutes but it felt like 2 hours. The silence in the elevator was broken when Kurt opened his mouth, "B-Blaine, when are you going to leave?"

"What do you mean by leave?" I asked him with a little bit of anger detected in my voice.

"Uh... when are you leaving the house so I can move in?"

I sighed a deep sigh and glanced at my watch, "Uhhh...you can come at 6 tonight. I'll probably stay over at my dad's or Wes's house." Good old Wes, one of my best friends from high school. We still keep in contact after all these years and he moved in to Lima about a year ago. He was a corporate lawyer and a good one at that too. It showed by his three bedroom and 3 and a half bathroom house with a one car garage even though I know he owns a Bentley and a Mercedes- Benz. He was happy enough to let me stay over but wasn't so happy on the reason of my stay. Wes never thought Kurt would ever do such an awful thing, but than again no one else thought that either about Kurt. Turns out we were wrong.

Kurt nodded. We stepped out of the elevator and out the door to witness a gray looking day that could turn to rain; beautiful March weather. I made my way toward my car until I was stopped by a hand on my shoulder. I turned and it was Kurt with tears in his eyes. I was about to say go away but he made the first move.

"Blaine, I know you probably hate me and I know you will never forgive me for all the shit that happened in the past months, but I want you too know I still love you. I know I shouldn't be telling you this because you will probably become angrier but I just want you to know. I always loved you and our children, but I am just not happy at all." I do a once over at Kurt. He wasn't dressed in his normal skin tight pants or at least somewhat fashionable shirt or button dress shirt and his hair wasn't perfectly perfect. He had bags under his eyes and he wore sweat pants. Sweat pants. Kurt almost never wore sweatpants ever. He looked miserable and had bags under his eyes most likely from lack of sleep. He looked like he needs a vacation.

"I much as I hate to admit the truth, I love you too Kurt, but over the past fucking 4 months I never felt the most hate towards you in a whole relationship. I am not ready to forgive you and most likely Kurt, I probably won't. You hurt me with this pain that keeps me awake at night. It's a pain in my chest and I feel like it's a stain that it will never come out because of you. I'm sorry Kurt when I hit you, but I just will never forgive you." I said to Kurt. He nodded and looked down at the ground. Despite the stare of his clothing and hair, he still looked very beautiful. I had to go though but I was stopped Kurt's lips on mine. He had he had on my neck and gave me a very passionate and deep kiss. I never pushed him away or even kissed him back, I just let him. I had to admit that Kurt was an amazing kisser, but I guess I wasn't feeling t right now.

He pulled back and looked in my eyes waiting for me to say something. I was stunned that he kissed me but I was not that surprised. "Kurt I have to go. I'll see you tonight." I walked away ever so swiftly from a blotchy eyed Kurt and went into my car. I buckled my seatbelt and drove away from the parking lot on the road to my house. I only had an hour to get ready before Kurt came to the house and I didn't intend on wasting it.

A/N- Like it? Love it? Hate it? Leave a comment or subscribe. It is getting very serious in terms of drama and do I detect a hint of foreshadowing? Yeah next chapter I will be working on the pov of Joshua. Also this is taking place in March 2029 in case you didn't figure that already. Also you may think that I am just going to put them together in two more chapters. Uh- uh I am not like that a you will just have to keep reading to find out if Klaine will break or make it. Oh and before I go, Happy Holidays!


	7. Chapter 7

A/N- All right you can kill me. After a reminder comment from a faithful fan I decided to get my ass into gear and update. I don't know if the last chapter was as suspenseful but the kiss was defiantly a lot to think about. I bet your wondering why it took me soo long to update and it was the usual excuses, you know, exams, isu, Christmas, other shit..etc. Either way this chapter was very difficult to write and that's probably why it took so long to write. I hope you enjoy it and yes this is from Kurt's pov which so many of you hate Kurt in this story, but I swear he is just troubled like his son. Alright enjoy the story!

Disclaimer- I don't own gLee, clearly.

I sat in the waiting room for what felt like 2 hours. I just kept staring at this VOGUE magazine with Scarlet Johansson on the cover, dated 2007. The magazine has clearly seen better days with its worn out pages and various moustaches and penises drawn on. And so was Scarlett Johansson. After her divorce from Ryan Reynolds and that God awful movie Blaine dragged me when we were still in high school I think was called " I bought a zoo" or " We bought a farm". I almost wanted to yell at her and Matt Daemon for staring in a crap movie and how it nearly wrecked his career and it really demolished hers'. But in the end of that pointless movie, Blaine apologized for dragging me to this terrible movie and told me he himself hated it too. Blaine even told me we could go to the movies next week and I could pick the entertainment that night. I remembered that I smiled and told him that he was such a pleaser and all I remember after that was us making out in his car leading to a steamy sex marathon in his car. I sat back in the hard plastic waiting room chair and took a deep sigh. What a time we had together.

But it wasn't as great as the next time we watched a movie I picked out. I think it was Alvin and the chipmunks and today I still ask myself what the hell was I thinking. But the sex was great that night too so it evened out.

Yeah but whatever, I was just observing it to take my mind off it anyway. It wasn't like I was hard or anything remembering that great se- oh shit I am! In my therapists office no less! Think of dead cats, Kurt or Rachel in her granny panties underwear. There its gone. Wow I can't believe I got hard just like that. It felt like I was in high school all over again with a random boner. Maybe because I haven't had sex in two months.

I glanced at my phone and noticed that someone texted me. I opened my mailbox and saw it was from Aiden. I wasn't in the mood for his heart or rose emoticons right now even if I was horny. His fluffy texts weren't a rock hard cock.

I sank back into my chair. I felt so tired. Sure Blaine said he was tired when he was 'taking care' of the kids but I knew Quinn helped him all along. I was by myself with my two boys and their shenanigans. Blaine was probably having the time of his life vacationing in Palm Springs. Probably getting drunk and sleeping till noon in a luxury bed waking up to a new guy every night.

I only knew because I can hear the boys on speaker phone with Blaine every night he called. Well it's not like he is telling them these things but I know him to well for him not to. I wasn't in the room or anything but I just over heard by the door.

How I wish I could take a vacation, but alas my karma over the affair was setting in. I feel miserable and there was no one who could help me. Rachel and Finn wouldn't understand and my dad would kill me if he found out I cheated on Blaine. Aiden was my last resort but he was on that business trip so he couldn't be here. Not that I wanted him here. Every time I heard from him or saw him I just became sadder. Depressing right? Quinn helps out thought but not by a lot. I wouldn't take advantage of her like Blaine did. She is taking care of the boys right now but she is just waiting for them to come home from school. Besides sitting in this waiting room is probably the longest vacation I had by myself.

I haven't been on a proper vacation in years. By a proper one I mean a less stressful and only Blaine and I going. Or I guess without Blaine since my affair. Maybe I could bring Aiden.

My mind wondered away from the thought of going on a vacation because I know that won't happen for a long time. I really was trying to take my mind off of a couple of weeks ago, you know, when I kissed Blaine. I emphasis "I" because Blaine did not seem to kiss back. No matter how hard I kissed. I was craving the passion we had when we were younger, but it felt like the sex we had on our anniversary, useless. Blaine, truth be told is awful at topping. He wasn't hitting my… you know and I was defiantly not responding in pleasure. When we were younger in New York, we used to have sex like it was going out of style. We knew each other well and our special kinks and our sweet spots even better. But I swear, after we had kids our sex life went from every day love making to twice or three times a week and right now, non excitant.

That kiss though was really to show Blaine how much I love him. It said "I would do anything for you and if you really wants to save this marriage than I will try just as hard to make this work". If he just responded in the kiss that could of showed that he will work hard too, but maybe Blaine's not good at signs in kissing. He is pretty oblivious.

But before I could dig deeper in the past week's events, I was snapped out of my thoughts by my therapist calling my name.

"So Kurt let's just dive into this session, alright?"A cheerful Dr. Morgan asked as she sat down on the couch. She kind of reminded me of Meryl Streep in _Julie and Julia_ by her strand of pearls around her neck, short hairstyle, and polished dresses and skirts. Dr. Morgan was serious, gentle, and understanding, but sometimes I thought she was quite loony.

"Let's start where we left off a week ago shall we? I want to hear more about your entire relationship with Blaine."

I shook my head. "No, you don't want to hear about our relationship. Whatever the hell that's become." I mutter to her.

She didn't react much to the rude way I back talked to her. She simply took off her glasses and put them on the table and looked me in the corner of my eye and asked, "Why wouldn't I want to hear about it Kurt. Is it that difficult of a subject for you to talk about?"

"I-I just don't want to talk about the curve in our relationship and marriage to someone who is practically a complete stranger."

" Kurt have you told anyone in your family yet or even a close friend about this affair?" she asked.

" I want to but I feel like there is this block in my throat that just avoids talking about it. I feel so ashamed," I answer truthfully.

" Kurt ,why are you hiding it then?"

" I am not hiding it. I am just incapable of telling anyone."

" Kurt you're not incapable, no one is incapable. It's just the amount of courage one has to be able to do . Do you think you have enough courage?"

That hit a soft spot. I use to be so strong when I was in high school. I didn't cower away about my sexuality and I always tried to stand up for myself. Now look at me.

"I use to when I was younger. Now I doubt everything. I am not even strong enough for anything or anyone. Not for Blaine, my sons, and even myself. It feels like my strength is hanging by a tiny thread until it jut lets go and I drown away in misery." Wow, that was dark and morbid, but that's how I felt.

And I was kind of embarrassed and intimated to say the least. She said to me, "Kurt through the weeks we have been going on our appointments I noticed something that I doubt you really put to terms yet. You hide stuff am I right, and it's clear that the person inside you is a person who is desperate to find some solution to make your entire family happy. But that is one of your problems Kurt that affects the people around you. I think you hide what you are with dishonest feelings like compassion." Soon after she said that I let my guard grumble to the ground.

"How is fucking kindness affecting my relationships? Shouldn't it be my selfishness and my unmoral ways or my-my reasons to hoard secrets. And yes, I'd admit, I put others in front of myself a lot of times but who doesn't. It's not because I wanted to but when the time came I had to step up and be a man, "I rambled on while Dr. Morgan just nodded. All of a sudden like a flick of a light switch I just started crying. I guess I was crying over my rant of my therapy session and my life itself. I was rocking back and forth.

"Kurt, have you ever been selfish before?" she asked.

" I believe my affair will answer that."

" No I mean before that. I mean during the duration of your life when it was too revolved around this affair."

" I don't know. I guess maybe a little. I know I would ask my dad for some money for clothes."

" How would this affect your reasons for being selfish?"

" I think it was a defence mechanism for when my mom died. He gave me a new car when I was sixteen and let me work in order to get clothes or fabric."

" That's it?"

" Well the clothes were kind of expensive."

" Your dad gave you work Kurt in order for you to obtain something a child gets as a basic needs. Now I am not saying your dad was a bad one but I believe you were not selfish. You worked hard until your Dad was satisfied with your job at his garage, unlike most kids who expected their parents to just give it to them."

"How do you know what my dad does?" I asked.

"Your dad is the only mechanic in Lima and with his last name put on the front of the store and the fact that I voted for him for congress I made the connection between you two."

"Oh."

"Is there any reasons your dad does what he did for you?"

"He loves me and would do anything to keep me happy, especially since my mom's death. But look how that worked out." I suddenly got really sad. And it's clear that Dr. Morgan noticed

"Kurt, it has gotten to my attention that your random outbursts and mood changes over the couple weeks have gotten quite noticeable. Why just last week you were quiet and stubborn throughout the hour than last minute in our session you were demanding and unreasonable." I scoffed at her. How dare she think that about me?

"When Blaine talks about you he only describes the good in you before you cheated. He said months and months before the affair started he said that you were belligerent and acted out. How you were no longer feeling intimate and that you seemed like you took so much energy out of your day just getting out of bed."Dr. Morgan filled me in real quick.

"You still have your sessions with Blaine? Isn't he in Palm Springs?"

"It's called Skype for a reason."

So they were talking about me. I wonder what viscous and awful words Blaine has called me.

"So what was your childhood like?" asked Dr. Morgan pretty much changing the topic.

Then it hit me. I am not stupid and know that she and Blaine are trying to tell me something. Sometimes I think that I am the victim instead of Blaine. I know the sequence of questions like how much I changed and asking me about my childhood and my father. I have read and studied books and seen and researched scenarios like this in my psychology class I took in college.

I wanted to get the facts straight so I finally asked the good doctor, "Do you and Blaine think I have depression or something?"

"Why yes we do Kurt, good job keeping on track," a cheerful and pretty blunt Dr. Morgan said. "It's pretty clear you have a very serious case of depression." Dr. Morgan paused for dramatic affect and took off her glasses, "Do you think you have depression Kurt?"

I thought long and hard. It wasn't the greatest or worst question she ever asked me, yet somehow it was the question that had me stuck on. My mind wasn't ready enough for it so I answered worth a simpleton's reply of I don't know.

"I thought you might say that," Dr. Morgan writes something in her notepad. I stare at the clock hoping this session is over but I realise it's only been fifteen minutes.

"So back to your childhood was; how was it?" asked Dr. Morgan drawing me right back to the previous question.

"Hugh… well it wasn't the best childhood ever. I went through shit I would never want my sons to go through, ever," I finished.

"Like what?"asked Dr. Morgan. Wow, she wouldn't leave without an answer.

"My mother was one of persons in my life that made me grow up faster. She would help cook and clean and engage herself majorly in my life and remind my Dad of meetings and such like a mom would do. When- When (cue waterworks) I was eight when she by being struck by a drunk driver. I was with her that night too-too." I was spilling with tears, "I-I'm sorry I just can't talk about this. It's just a bunch of sore spots in my life I never want to relive."

"Kurt you are going to have to talk about it. It's dangerous to hold on to deep dark things. Did you know secrets and problems held on by a person over a vast amount of time left unsolved have a greater chance of getting dementia or depression?"

"How?"

"It's in the brain Kurt," she said softly. "Does your family have a history of depression or any other mental illness?" I shook my head no.

"Did your mother experience depression?"

"I know my mother had post-pardon depression after I was born. My dad told me though that she felt fine after a couple months though. How does being pregnant have to do with anything in my case? I can't get pregnant!"What a lie.

"Kurt, when patients have difficulty telling their issues they often resort to writing about them," Dr. Morgan told me. "They find it easier to confide in an inanimate object than telling a complete stranger as you so kindly pointed out." I blushed in embarrassment. "I believe that this will do some good to unleash any secrets out that you have stored up inside of you for so long."

I turn away from her. If she only knew the secrets I kept.

I guess she noticed my discomfort because she changed her voice to a more gentle tone, "Kurt I know you didn't have to tell me but I do know that you have big, dark secrets hidden away from Blaine and possibly your family. You kept them away to keep others safe but what you didn't realise is that it's not."

"How is it not safe? If I ever told them these secrets it would not only hurt them but I even more," I asked her.

She shrugged, "Kurt, your marriage and family is hanging on by a thread. I am pretty sure your secrets will not kill it anymore."

I shrug back, "Wanna bet." Dr. Morgan chuckled.

"So Kurt will you write a journal. I need you to write about your past that seems memorable to traumatic or any secrets you keep from Blaine. Now remember, I will have to read your journal when you're done because I do have to assess it and diagnose any problems and issues you have. Keeping these emotions or feeling or secrets will only further damage you. How do you think you developed depression?" I shrug. "Exactly Kurt! I believe that you writing about anything traumatic somewhere in you or a moment of weakness will help us figure out what figured you depression." Wow, the look on Dr. Morgan's face looked ecstatic.

"Okay I'll write a journal. Is it okay if I write my entry on my Mac book?" I asked.

"You can write it on a balloon for all I care. As long as its legible and has a date atop," Dr Morgan said." Oh and Kurt I want to give you a prescription for something."

"Is it a vacation?" I curiously asked. I would be delighted to have some vacation time to myself. Alas she shook her head no. She gave me a prescription to Zoloft, an anti- depressant pill.

"Take two a day and keep away from your children especially Joshua," warned Dr. Morgan.

"Thanks… uh see you next week I guess," I said to Dr. Morgan.

"Actually is the one Joshua who has an appointment with me and Nathan has an appointment the other day that week," an informed Dr. Morgan told me with a polite smile.

"How is Joshua, Kurt? Is he doing much better?"

"I try to communicate with him but he just shuts himself out," I reply. "I swear I tried but it seems like the only thing he talk to nowadays is his silly pet. It frustrates me that he can't come to me with help."

" Hmmm… I'll talk to him next time about this with him, alright?"

"Right, they will see you next week," I wave good- bye and I heard Dr. Morgan call out to me before I shut the door, " Don't forget to smile!"

Smiling. I remember the times when it wasn't forced.

I sat at the Lime Bean thirty minutes after my session with Dr. Morgan. I sat across from the same table Blaine said I love you to me for the first time. I couldn't sit there, too many memories. I sat near the window looking like a coffee shop snob with my low fat mocha and Mac Book, but I didn't really care. I was focusing on making on entry but my mind was full on blank.

Well I had a lot of memories, good, dark, and bad, that I told and hid from Blaine. I didn't know how to start.

_Dear Diary,_

Delete. What was I, thirteen year old girl?

_Hello Journal,_

Delete. That sounded stupid.

_Yo Yo Yo_,

Delete. Now I was messing around.

I look outside to witness a beautiful April day but what use to make me smile made me a little uneasy. God, what was happening to me? I use to me so cheerful and compassionate and now I sit alone in a dingy coffee shop that my husband and I use to love to-

"Kurt?" A voice from behind me startles my inner-thoughts. I turn around to see the one and only Sebastian Smythe.

I squint like I can't see the very guy that almost broke me and Blaine up in High school, "Sebastian?"

"Yeah it's me from our teens years. I was in the Warblers. Do you remember?"

"Of course," I said. I stand up and we shake hands, civilly. Last time I saw him was when Blaine told me Sebastian kissed him. I never told Blaine but I did threaten Sebastian that if he did one more thing to Blaine I would call the cops and report a sex offender in the neighbourhood and I would get him expelled from Dalton with the evidence Santana managed to get when he threw the slushie in Blaine eye.

Sebastian looked different. He still had the same hairstyle but of course a little thinner and a few strands of grey. He was wearing jeans and grey and charcoal sweater. He looked pretty great.

"Wow, it's been a while. Last time I saw you it, well it didn't end in good terms." I was hoping he didn't bring that up.

"Sebastian I am so sorry for what I did to yo-," I started to apologize but he interrupted me.

"It's quite all right Kurt. I understand. You were threatened and pushed around by some seventeen years old to get your boyfriend. I deeply apologize for my naive and man-whorish ways in my teen years. I didn't really care about anyone besides myself and I never took in consideration how anyone ever felt about it. It clearly pissed you off the last time we met up." Sebastian chuckled and I nodded forcing a smile. I really did not want to indulge in small talk right now but then again I never want to indulge in anything anymore.

Sebastian started to talk again and I had to focus all my energy and attention on him to keep me from nodding off. I don't know why but lately I am always so drained.

"I believe that we both changed," Sebastian pointed out. "I defiantly changed during my college years and afterward. Being a man whore in New York didn't have the benefits it did in Lima. I never did care about STD's much or AIDS when I was still here and even in France too. I lived in a small area in France, not much STD risks. I got this…uhh big scare couple years after I graduated NYUand since than I changed my ways. I stopped partying, drinking, and hanging with the people that influenced me and those ways. I felt like a new man."

"What certain STD that motivated to change your ways." I was curious. I wanted to know if that nasty karma is still with him.

It also caught my attention in a sad way, too. I had this real good friend back in New York Blaine and I befriended during college who caught AIDS and died a few years later. It was an awful tragedy.

"I thought I caught Chlamydia."

I opened my mouth and almost laughed at the fact that he got a scare from Chlamydia. He changed his ways after a very curable disease. Blaine and I caught Chlamydia after the threesome we had with a girl we no longer talk to and we still partied afterward. Wow I never knew Sebastian was so sensitive.

I didn't realise he was still talking when I came back to Earth, "I didn't party as much and didn't do one night stands anymore. I learned that monogamy in loving relationships and trust was defiantly the way to go." I winced at what he said and he defiantly noticed.

"What's wrong Kurt?"

"Oh nothing just a little chilly," I shrugged.

"Uh, well I graduated with a teaching degree and went back to Lima with my husband Thomas ,who is a surgeon at Lima Memorial, about five years ago and it's been wonderful ever since," Sebastian boasted with a smile. I was surprised a little. I was surprised at the fact that Sebastian was not the same man whore asshole I once knew, but a mature and polite man. "So how's life Kurt? Oh, mind if I sit down?" Pointing to a free spot at my table. I shrugged.

"Thanks, so how are you? Did you ever settle down with Blaine?" asked a clearly curious but trying to hide it Sebastian. Before I answered the truly complicated question I noticed Sebastian pushed a deep blue-green baby pram toward him. I slowly peered in the pram to see a little baby in a soft pink corduroy dress and wearing brown Mary- Jane booties. The little baby had bright red hair and pale white skin that looked like beautiful snow. She was sleeping and slowly sucking on the pacifier in her mouth.

"Who is this little angel?" I smiled, this time not forced. Yes, I know I said that my children sometimes frustrated me and all but I still love them, especially when they were babies. I had a very obvious soft spot for babies. I just thought they were the greatest thing ever with their amazing smell, tiny feet, cute giggles, and innocence.

Sebastian smiled at her and before he answered the little baby cried out to alarm Sebastian of her awakening. Sebastian picked her up and rubbed her back and suddenly she stopped crying . He grabbed a bottle of milk from the baby bag on the pram and began to feed her in his arms.

"This is Julia. My husband and I adopted her when she was about 6 months when she was still a little fetus. She came from Ireland and she is about four months old. Aren't babies just amazing? I was so nervous when Thomas and I brought her home. I was scared when I held her that I would drop her or when I fed her. I always worried that the milk might be too hot and burn her little tongue, but over time and with a little help from Thomas and his mother and his sister, I became a confident and caring father for my little Julia." Sebastian proclaimed with a smile, "She is my sunshine." I smiled at the new father kissing his daughters nose. He was so happy and I felt like I shouldn't be here

"Did you and Thomas get tested?" I asked hesitantly. I didn't want to see like I was prying into their lives.

"We got tested negative for the both of us and it broke our hearts. I love Julia, but I would buy all tea in China to get a baby that looked like me and Thomas. But enough about my life; did you and Blaine get hitched yet?" asked Sebastian. I could see the curiosity stained in his eyes but what I didn't see was the desperation and envy I use to see when we were teens.

"Uhh yeah actually we got married when I was pretty young," I said to him, clarifying more. "I was twenty- three and he was twenty-two. We left a year later and moved into my parent's house until we could get secure enough jobs and then we bought our house together."

"Really? I thought you might be visiting your father or something," said Sebastian and before I could interrupt. "I would never imagine that the fabulous Kurt Hummel would settle down and be a Lima loser like the rest of us. Weird right?" I bit my lip to keep me from saying anything awful in my mind but I let it slip.

" You shouldn't be talking. You're also an honorary member of the Lima loser club," I cleverly pointed out.

" It was defiantly not against my will," Sebastian smirked right back at me.

" I will let you know that it was a decision me and Blaine made together." Lie. "We wanted to settle down near family so we could start a family." I pointed out hoping he get the hint that he is not the only gay man in Lima with kids.

"At twenty–three? God, I was still be being an arrogant man whore than until I turned like twenty-seven. So you never were in a relationship with anyone else but Blaine?"

"Yeah we were pretty faithful," Shit, I just said "were". I hope he didn't catch on.

"That sucks. I thought beings in your twenties was the time to be free and single with much consequences from the folks, but you and Blaine just settled down like old people at twenty-three? What happened to the Hummel I knew who said he was going to get settled down at thirty after they win a Golden Globe and Tony." He was on a roll. Sebastian was still able to take me down at thirty-six with a baby in his arms and a ring on his left hand. Nothing seemed to stop him. Nothing also seemed to stop the smirk on his face and the satisfaction of seeing me completely mortified.

"Shit happens, Sebastian!" I started to whisper shouting at him and I totally did not care that we were in a crowded Lima Bean, "I had dreams, big dreams. But after my fifteen minutes of fame on Broadway, Blaine told me I had to wake up and smell the coffee! He and I got married and he practically forced me to move to this crappy town. I hate it here and every day I wish to be back at New York but-but I can't be-be-cause you ( at this moment I was in full on sobbing) can't fit a bunk bed a-and two-o b-bikes in a one bedroom New York apartment! You just can't." I start to full on sob at the table and I heard Sebastian whisper, "Don't make a scene."

"Sorry," I collect myself up and put my laptop in my satchel. "I have to go." I get up out of my chair and before I could go stomping away to the door Sebastian grabbed my arm.

"Kurt, I'm sorry." A sincere Sebastian said, "I guess I crossed the line too much." I nodded.

"But I just curious; why did you get married so young? I thought you two might of gone separate ways for a while in college and explore yourselves some more, you know, sexually. That's what everyone's twenties are for."

" We loved each other, that's why. Why? You jealous?" I shot back. I was being really snarky." But the look on Sebastian's face was more of a smile and less of annoyance.

I never admitted this, but when I was younger, I was completely jealous of you." I bring my head up to his shocked.

"You always seemed so calm and collected and strong. I was just some insecure man whore who hid behind a mask. You were proud and out and didn't give a shit if someone dissed you because you knew you were better than that. I would see you at the Lima Bean filling out planers and notebooks of your future with your friend about all the things you would do before you're thirty. How you guys would get all these awards and be in these shows and among other things. I am just curious to what happened to change your mind at twenty three when your life was actually going somewhere?"

"Can we sit?" I ask a minute after I was brought back to earth after dying.

"Of course," he responded. We walked back to our table.

After I told him everything. I told him about my musical and its success. I told him about our house, my kids, and new job. But I should of never underestimated Sebastian with my horrible lying skills.

"You are hiding something, "He said with a grin." Tell me."

" Uhhh... it's kind of personal." Did I want to tell him about my failed marriage?

" So there is something. Tell me, I am all types of personal. Come on trust me. What's the harm?" teased Sebastian, but I wasn't telling him.

" Just tell me ,please!" pleaded Sebastian.

I got tired of his annoying antics so leaned over the table and whispered it to him because I couldn't handle his childlike begging, " I-I can't believe I am saying this, but I cheated on Blaine."

It felt like all the noise and air soon escaped the room when I said that.

A flabbergasted Sebastian was shocked and took him, I swear, five minutes to answer me, "You ch-cheated on Blaine?" he stuttered out and folded his arms. He was clearly shocked. He checked on a sleeping Julia in her stroller.

" You surprised?" I asked him. He nodded slowly.

"I have so many questions," Sebastian got up real fast out off his chair and started scrabbling his shit together, "to ask you Kurt but I just don't want to overstep any boundaries, so I am just going to go." He stood up and collected his things and pulled the brakes off the stroller.

" Don't go Sebastian! Please…" I managed before he stopped me.

" I just don't want to hear it Kurt."

I stayed silent the entire time. He almost left until he stalled the stroller and him beside me, "Uhh here is my number." He handed me a card reading, _Sebastian Smythe-Fisher _

" Sebastian, why are you rushing? Am I that bad, because I am defiantly not the first gay man to cheat on their husband." I finally ask.

He looked at me for a long time with an unreadable look on his face. He sighed and finally said, "I just cannot in the life of me stand in the same room with you. I am just so surprised that you out of all the people in the world cheated on Blaine." Before I could squeeze a word in, he interrupted. " There might be more to this whole story, but for a guy that worked hard to get Blaine to be his man and worked harder to make a high school relationship last beyond it and now has a family, it just breaks my heart that you didn't work harder to resolve any problems in your marriage Kurt. I am sorry but I have to go. Just- Just call me sometime in the week, kay? I really want to meet up, if that's alright?" I nodded back my answer. With that said he and Julia left and I sat alone at my table with a closed up laptop and half empty and probably now cold mocha.

I also can't believe a former man whore turned family guy was shocked at the fact that I cheated on Blaine. He now had the perfect life. He was happily married and with a beautiful baby while miserable I was with my sons who were no longer babies and my loveless marriage. I guess his now faithful and monogamous relationship granted him the will to judge others that were once like him; an unhappy, weak slut. I guess that was what I am now.

I was shocked at myself that he was the first person I told other than Blaine and my therapist that I had an affair. I wonder how my Dad would take the news. I bet he would be pissed that his moralistic and strong son ha-

_Rrrringggggg-a-ring-ring, Rrrringggggg-a-ring-ring _

Alas, I was interrupted again, this time by my phone. I finally fished out my very loud phone that frustrated and embarrassed me by the loud noise erupting from my phone disturbing many peaceful Lima bean patriots glaring at me.

" Hello?" I annoyingly asked. I don't bother with caller I.D. right now. I was soo upset with this crap day I was having from the judging from my therapist, Blaine, and now Sebastian. I can't take anything more to top it or I will have a mental breakdown. I already was diagnosed with depression so any more stress might trigger a depression episode. I do not want to be uncontrollably crying in public, again.

" Kurt, it's Quinn." She sounded like she was crying.

"Quinn, are you okay? What's wrong?"I asked with fear in my voice.

" Kurt, it's Joshua… he-he is at Memorial Hospital."

My heart seemed to drop into my stomach, " What happened Quinn? Where are you? Is he okay?" I asked. My mind was going a mile a second and somehow in a random blur I was backing out in my parking space at Lima Bean with my laptop zipped up in my satchel with way too many buckles and my phone to my ear. Screw Oprah.

" Well… I went upstairs and I found Joshie in the-the… washroom and he was slumped in-in over the t-tub…" cried Quinn. She sounded weak and a mess as was I.

" W-What happened Quinn? Spit it out!" I was hysterical. My baby boy was in the hospital and I was on the brink of a panic attack while I was on the highway.

What seemed like forever, Quinn came on again, " I ju-just spoke to the doctors and they believe Joshua committed suicide. I am so sorry Kurt-"

I didn't get to hear what Quinn said when the phone slipped between my weak fingers and fell. My tears soon followed.

A/N- Thank you for reading and thank you to those who commented. And yes Joshua did try to commit suicide and the next chapter is going to be a twist sort of pov of Josh than back to Quinn. I also invited Seb in because I wanted Kurt to feel jealous that the guy that should be the bad guy is not and Kurt really is. But I made Sebastian a dick, cause even if he matured and grew up, he can also be kind of a dick. Also Seb's daughter is not me just want to make that clear. I named the baby after my sister who likes to read my story. I made this baby have the same features like red hair and pale skin like my sister. Some people believe that were not related by blood cause she is ginger and I have tan skin ,curly brown hair ,and brown eyes, but we are.

I was going to make this chap and the next one chapter one whole chapter but it was too long and I just had to split it. Leave a comment and also leave a comment who you want to focus more on in this story Because I have no clue. The newest chap might be up soon unlike this chapter but I had exams and ISUs and Christmas/ New Years shit to deal with so yeah!


	8. Chapter 8

A/N- Hello again! It's been a while but this chapter was supposed to behalf of one but I split it cause it was like ten thousand plus words. Thank you for being so patient and the nice comments you left and please keep them coming. I hope you enjoy this chapter but from the level of angst in it I am pretty sure happiness is the last word to describe this chapter.

Disclaimer- I don't own gLee and I am pretty sure no one on this site does.

Friday, April 13th , 2029

I miss things. A lot of things actually. Not things that you buy at the mall or you get as a birthday present; I mean regular, normal things. The kind of things you grew up with and loved or at least tolerated, like Nathan. Like, I love my brother but I would never say that to his face in public. Sometimes I find him super annoying and other times he is my best friend. Like we wrestle but not in a mean way but as brothers. Father said that stupid or something and we could get hurt. I asked him once if him and Uncle Finn ever wrestled and. He said no 'cause they are brothers by marriage at seventeen. He said at that age there was no horsing around. He is all fancy and uses big words that I barely understand. He called us juvenile once because me and Nathan were playing with the garden hose in the back yard and sliding in mud. But I was just doing it to have fun.

And I will never admit out loud this but I like my Dad better than my Father. My Dad understands boys better than my Father. Maybe cause my Dad has an older brother unlike my Father who grew up an only child. My Dad would tell us stories of him and Uncle Cooper going to the pond in their backyard and playing with the bugs they would find under rocks. My Father only played with his mom, who I found out is not Nana but his old mom who Dad told me died. Dad told me that Father would only play with his mom and no one else because he had no friends in elementary school. And from the look of pictures I found of them when Father was like Nathan's age I probably wouldn't play with my Father either. In the pictures it only shown my Father playing with tea sets and dress-up and put wedding dresses on Power Rangers. Dad told me Granddad was at work a lot like him too so I guess my Father couldn't play more with boy things with other boys. I guess Father grew up like a girl.

Sometimes it seems like my Father is really a girl and I made the mistake of calling him that once. Well okay I said 'Mom' in a joke about Father to Nathan and I knew I shouldn't because Nathan is the biggest two-faced guy I ever met. I swear he would be like a double agent or something and never get caught. I got in a lot of trouble with Father and Dad thought the joke was pretty funny once I told him in secrecy. Well that happened a year ago. That's when Father and Dad were still together and not living in separate places. And I know exactly what happened.

A bunch of months ago me and Nathan were like shoved down in the basement. We started to play Clue Jr. in the playroom until we got bored. I always like the playroom we have. Despite being ten now I still like going down to play there. It is a finished basement as my parents call it. I like it down there though because it's a real nice colour and I like the soft carpet. Swear, me and Nathan can play Lego and Power Rangers until forevers before we have to go to bed or eat. It's not like I have much friends to be embarrassed about still playing in a playroom with my little brother. I guess if I had more friends other than Nathan I would have a better reason to stop acting childish.

No one wants to be my friend anyway. I am such a loser that's why. I don't have an X-box 5000 next gen or Wii 3D like every guy in my class does. My Dad almost bought me and my brother one but my Father said they rot your brain and so we got books instead on Christmas. I also don't have Facebook or Twitter because my Father doesn't understand why I should have an account at my age. I would defiantly be cooler because all the boys in my class have Facebook. I don't have a cool enough pet either. Sure I love my guinea pig, Beyonce, but every guy in my class has a dog and I feel like a loser if I don't have a cool story about a dog getting worms or a funny story about a dog jumping their neighbours fence and start humping their leg.

My Father thinks they are for rich people and smell so we can't get one. I also wanted a cell phone but my parents think it's a bad idea if you cross a ten year old and a cell phone. My classmates' parents think otherwise. I want those things to make me cooler or at least get one friend who isn't Nathan.

Those things I want aren't as important though as the things I need. The things I need are really things that need to go away. Like the bullies or my depression or my excessive ramblings. But for some reason those are still here.

Something I didn't want to go away was. I learned that the thing that I needed and loved the most was breaking apart. I found out that when I saw Father sleeping on a bed with a man who was not Dad and I got real panicky. So I hid to not get my Father upset. At first I came up from the basement to take my pill and then grab Beyonce to bring to the basement and play Godzilla with. She makes a good destroying ape. But I found my Father in bed with another man but that didn't really make me hide.

It was my Dad who was walking across the hall and he didn't even see me because I guess he was walking to fast and defiantly not straight either but more like he was bumping into walls. The next billion hours I spent gazing at my parents just swearing and yelling but I couldn't really tell what they said. I could tell my Dad was drunk because he slurred his words a lot and the empty bottle of alcohol on the floor was a good clue. I only saw my Dad drunk once before at a party at my Aunt Rachel and Uncle Finn's house. But it was really funny seeing him limbo and try to push my Father in the pool, of course both of them laughing at that moment but this time my Dad now was very scary. I heard glass breaking and I peak my head in and I saw my Dad punch my Father. I was already crying before but that made me cry even harder. I thought I had the perfect family but just like the other kids in my class with divorced parents; I feared I would soon be tousled and argued over in a courtroom. I overheard classmates discussing about their weekend with one parent or they now have two houses or that they only see one parent once or twice a year since the age of six! I don't want that to happen but the future of my family seems bad.

I also remember my Father yelling at Dad again about how he never wanted this life. I don't know what he was talking about until he listed a bunch of stuff like Lima, my Dad, and Nathan and me that he didn't want. That made me cry harder.

Then I saw the guy that was with Father sneaking out of the room and down the stairs. I heard the ding that signals the opens the door. But he too didn't notice me. No one did.

I heard some crashing noises that could have been more stuff breaking. I heard a lot of noises that night. And I heard Dad screaming that Father never wanted us and was never allowed back and I got real scared. Even though my Dad's cooler than my Father I still don't want my Father to go. I need him.

I wanted to jump in that room and stop all the yelling but I felt like my legs were cement and my feet were nailed to the floor. I was crying like a baby and I wanted this nightmare to stop but I didn't want to get hit like my Father.

I moved out of my spot a little so my Father and Dad wouldn't see me when they came out of the bedroom and they tumbled down the stairs yelling at each other and crying. The crying was mostly my Father. My Dad pushed and dragged my Father down the stairs. I also saw my Father with these ugly purple bruises down his arms that looked painful. I thought they would be done fighting sooo but they weren't.

When the fight would only last a few minutes and a rare case a day and soon they would hug and kiss and then go to their room for what they called "special time." Me and Nathan were put in the playroom by then.

Then I saw my Dad and Father bicker and swear back to each other. My Dad's face was getting redder and redder every time my Father opened his mouth. I didn't expect Dad shut up Father by punching a big fist in his face. I was at the top of the staircase at this point and I was crying. I never saw anyone ever punch anyone in the face, especially my Father and Dad. I felt stupid and scared and weak because I wasn't doing anything about it. I wanted my Father to get up but he didn't. My Dad soon shut the door loudly it made me jump.

I never, ever saw my Dad do anything like that before and he really scares me now. When my Dad saw me I ran up the stairs and locked my door before he could do anything. I didn't want to get hit either.

After that night nothing went back to normal.

Well after my Father left my Dad got really drunk. I managed to avoid him until I left my room at like 9:30 pm. Good thing it was Saturday cause if it was a school night I would have gotten in trouble. I was real hungry and I soon found Nathan asleep on the playroom floor. I didn't know what to do and I was really scared so I called Ms. Fabray, a friend of Father's and told her everything and I swear she came within two minutes. Sometimes she babysits us and she is real cool. I almost felt sorry for her cause once a long time ago when Nathan was like 2 he found a bottle of whip cream and chocolate sauce in my parents room in a secret drawer and went berserk. Maybe he had a sugar high because Father doesn't even let us have sugar. I don't know how Ms. Fabray gave him a shower, got him dressed, brushed his teeth, and put him to bed in less than 20 minutes. She could be a real good mom.

When Ms. Fabray came she brought over some soup she made for me and Nathan who was like half asleep. Then she manoeuvred my Dad away from the broken things in the living room to the bathroom on the main floor and locked him in there until me and Nathan went to bed.

All I remember is crying until I fell asleep with the sounds of Beyonce squeaking for company and rain hitting my window.

I didn't see my Dad for the entire day. It's not like I want to either. Every day I go upstairs and pray every day that Dad would not come up to my room. My Dad kind of reminded me of the Hulk which use to be my favourite superhero.

I also came to the conclusion that my Father and Dad are getting a divorce. What I saw in that hour and a half was defiantly a good bunch of reasons. I may be ten but I am actually really smart. I get A's and B's in all my classes. I almost got bumped up a grade but I purposely failed my math test and English test so the teachers wouldn't push me up. I only did it too because of the middle school bullies. I don't need this scary upgrade

Anyway after a couple weeks, my Father came home but my Dad soon left. During those weeks Dad was here, he was only looming around the house before but I barely saw him and during dinner he would never talk to me or Nathan and would just eat and drink whiskey. Ms. Fabray was staying with us so she cooked dinner for us and left after she made the meals. My Dad never even helped clean up the dishes or sweeps the floor so me and Nathan soon learned how to scrub all the messy dishes clean and sweep and mop the floor. Than I would help Nathan with homework and then I would give him a bath because he still doesn't know how too. Around nine o'clock I would go do my homework and fall asleep around ten o'clock. Also I hadn't been taking my pills because my prescription ran out and I was too scared to tell Dad and Ms. Fabray wouldn't k now where to go. Plus Father looks really upset so I don't want to bother him.

Also Father came back and I only see Ms. Fabray a couple times a week. My Father has been picking up the pieces that my Dad has been lacking. He cleans like a lot now but he goes in his bedroom around 5 o'clock and goes too bed. He started getting sad too. He looks so empty.

He also tried talking to me but I just ignore him. No one cares and no one loves me.

I actually learned no one loved me today. When I was walking with my brother home from Dalton School for boys I decided to tell a very clueless Nathan about our parents. We had a long way to walk and it didn't help that the heavy pouring rain was sloshing around in our loafers. I had plenty of time to tell him that they clearly are separated. I found out what separated means by eavesdropping on unsuspected classmates. It's not like I would ask, imagine. They always say "Go away" or they would invite me and one by one any kid would drift away from me. I end up hanging out by myself at recess in the washroom stall reading.

I told him that I think Father and Dad are going to get a divorce. He didn't seem to understand.

"What does divorce mean again Josh?" asked Nathan. He didn't look like he cared much cause he seemed to preoccupied by fixing blazer buttons.

"It means when a married couple like Dad and Father, don't love each other anymore so they become unmarried," I tried to clearly for Nathan but he still looked confused and shook his head.

"Umm... you know Dad and Father's friends Santana and Brittany?" Nod-nod went his head. "Well they used to be married for a couple years and they got divorced when you were like two."

"Really? Isn't that lady married to the guy in a wheel chair? Isn't his name Artie?"Nathan asked again.

" Yeah, yeah they have like a baby daughter now and apparently they live in like California and she is a dancer and he is a director." I said to Nathan.

" What happened to the other lady Santana?"

" I don't know. I think she went to California."

"You mean they no longer see each other?" asked a wide eyed Nathan.

"Yeah I guess. I mean if you don't love them anyone then why would they talk." I answer to Nathan the best I could.

After a like minute or two Nathan asked me, "Why are we talking about this?"

" Do you know why Dad and Father aren't living together anymore?" I ask with caution. Nathan has what we call a short fuse. The flick of a switch he can become a total nightmare. That is why Beyonce is in my room.

"I don't know. Isn't Dad on a business meeting? That's what Ms. Fabray told me. Anyway Daddy doesn't talk to us really," Nathan babbled on. "Do you think Daddy is sad? Cause once I heard him cry in the bathroom when I was trying to go pee. Do you think Daddy is sad because Dad went on a trip without him?"

"No, Dad is not on a business trip and Father is sad because of something else not because Dad went on a trip," I said to Nathan. "Anyway you shouldn't believe all of what Ms. Fabray says. She is trying to cover up the fact that Dad and Father are getting a divorce."

Nathan looked at me funny and took a while to speak, "What makes you think that they are going to get a divorce?"

"Well remember how sad Dad was when he was here and now look how sad Father is and now they don't live with each other," I tell him slowly. "And you know why Father didn't pick us up from school? He is at a therapist."

"The same kind you went to Josh?" asked Nathan.

"Yeah... well a little different," I say softly.

"How?"

"Mine has to do with me and theirs is probably on their marriage. Besides Father and Dad are too embarrassed to tell us. That is why they don't say anything to us," I said to Nathan.

"Why are they going?"

At the time I didn't want to tell him but he deserved the truth. I wanted to tell him carefully but I couldn't find a way to say it nicely. Anyway my Dad always said is honest.

"A couple months ago I saw Father and Dad get into an argument. It was not the kind were they makeup five minutes after but a serious one," I said to Nathan. I glanced at Nathan who was soaked head to toe and in a rare moment, silence. He hates when Dad and Father argue so this must be a touchy topic, "I saw them fight and scream and I even saw Dad hit Father a bunch of times and it looked like it hurt. And I even saw a man I never seen before leave their room. And they were fighting and not once did they see me until Father left and Dad saw me but he couldn't get to me cause I ran to my room. You remember that day when we came home from Grandpas house and we played in the playroom and I had to go upstairs to take me pill and –"

"Wait, wait, Dad and Daddy hit each other? I-I don't believe it at all," interrupted Nathan.

" Yeah, yeah I saw it happen I swear to you! I saw it Nathan and-and I wanted to tell someone but I was too frightened to tell anyone. I even heard Father say that he didn't love me and you anymor-" I was interrupted once again by Nathan and his very annoying, high pitched scream.

"No, no, no no! You are lying! Ms. Fabray said it herself that Dad and Father are fine and we shouldn't worry about them. Ms. Fabray would never lie because she is an adult," a raging Nathan pouted with his fists flaying everywhere. "You shouldn't lie! I am sooo telling on you when we get home!" I with that he started to run up the street. I started to race after him.

"Nathan wait! I need you to stop! Don't tell on me!" I scream out to him running as fast as I can to catch up to the seven year old fireball. I finally seem to catch up to him when he trips over one of his loose shoelaces.

I finally see his teary eyes face holding his bruised and starched up knee. I tried to help him up but him and his balled up fists were punching me away.

He finally got up after two minutes of crying and clutching in pain. We both didn't talk for a while and the only sounds was the sniffles and various "ow's" from a limping Nathan. He looked like in a lot of pain. It doesn't help much with the rain, wind, and our heavy back-packs. I know he was angry at me too and all but I still wanted to talk.

"Nathan, are you okay?" I asked a pretty dumb question but he was seven so he would answer anything.

"I'm cold and wet and my knee hurts so don't' talk to me," Nathan responded coldly.

"Are you still going to tell on me?" I had to ask. I didn't want my Father to yell at me either and neither do I want my Dad too.

Nathan looked up at me all sad, "Only if you tell me what you said about Daddy and Dad isn't true. And Daddy loves me so so so you shouldn't say that!"

I was instantly going to say what he wanted me to say but I realised that I would be lying to only sibling and best friend. Despite his age, Nathan deserved the truth. And the truth is sometimes difficult to learn.

"Nathan what I told you was true. I saw Dad and Farther fighting and hitting each other and stuff and I even heard Father say that he never wanted me and you," I told Nathan. "I am not lying to you. Would your best friend ever lie to you?"

"No, but my brother would," When Nathan said that it felt like the world dropped. "Who said we were best friends Joshua?" declared an angry Nathan. "And- and you promised Dad and Daddy to stop lying, remember? So-so just stop it okay!"

I tried to get grab his shoulder because I thought it would calm him down or something. His reaction was defiantly not a happy one, "Let go Joshua! Stop it! Stop it right now! Go away!" screamed Nathan. Heads turned toward us and most of the kids near us were from my class. They sneered and laughed and pointed and I even heard some of the names they call me like "Rhymes with maggot spawn" and "Smart a-word freak." I am not saying the real swear words because my Father and Dad say never too curse.

"Nathan, stop screaming. You're being to annoying!" I whisper to him through his hissy fit. I noticed kids yelling names at me and the humiliation was getting to me.

"No!" he shouted at me. I grabbed his jacket and managed to tug his squirming body to an empty park. Thank goodness that no one followed us.

"Nathan, stop acting like a monster! Your being to crazy and you're acting like a freak!" I whisper scream to Nathan. Nathan sat on the park bench probably getting his pants soaked but it didn't matter because we were like 2 minutes away from home and are uniforms were already soaked to our skin. We were cold, broken, and upset.

He looked up to my face with what I think were tears but the rain was heavy so I couldn't even told. He also looked like he wanted to bight my head off, "I am not the freak you are! Those guys in your class were not laughing at but you. I am not the loser who sits in the bathroom at school and reads during recess and I am not the lying freak whose only friend is a guinea pig!"

Ijust sat there on the bench like a coward crying.

" And- and I hate the fact that Dad and Father treat you like a king cause you-you are sick but I can't even get a new box of markers when they run out! I hate you! You are a lying sick freak and I wish you were **dead**!"Nathan yelled out too me. Though I was sitting on a bench he managed to push me off the bench into the mud. Mud and rocks were all over my uniform and my hair and now I have some bruises from the push but I managed to pick myself up. I was so mad but also felt empty too.

I wanted to grab Nathan I chuck him across the park. I didn't want to see his face or hear him at all. I also wish he didn't exist but not dead much like he didn't want me to exist.

Sometimes when I as younger I would imagine what life would be like if I was still in my native country and Nathan or my parents didn't exist to me . How we would probably never know each other and how we would never speak the same language. And how I would live with my real parents and never know the parents I have today. That moment was at the moment when I felt like I don't belong here and neither does Nathan. Nathan likes Italian food best but Father doesn't make it often nor have I ever tried poutine.

Once I found myself spelling "color" differently. Sometimes I feel like me and Nathan would be better off as stranger or enemies than brothers. Today felt like that.

If Nathan wanted me dead than whom else would want me to be dead. I was different, clearly. I am a Canadian-American being raised by two guys and my only best friends were Nathan and my guinea pig. I am different and I certainly don't belong here. Why must everyone suffer?

My Father doesn't want me, my Dad doesn't want me, Nathan wants me dead, and I have no friends that have my back. Besides, no girl wants me. Even if I go to an all boy school my school has dances with the other all girl school. I dressed up all fancy with my fancy dress pants that my Father hemmed just for that day and I even wore the blazer my Dad and I picked out for the dance and they assured me that all the girls would be lining up to dance with me. The night of the dance I sat on a chair awaiting for any girl to ask me to dance cause it was a girl ask the boy dance, but no one did. I sat quietly in the corner of the ball room drinking fruit punch staring at all the girls I wanted to dance with. Besides, they all seemed to line up for the athletic boys like Scott Hamden and Marshall Carleton none lined up for the scrawny and known " freak".

I came home in tears and even though my Dad told me "what is on the inside that counts" and "the girls were too stupid to realise the handsome side of you," but I shrugged. At the end of the night I was all dressed up and not even the teachers would ask to dance with me.

Nathan and I walked home in silence, but I was couple steps ahead naturally because of my height, his hurt leg, and the fact that I just didn't want to talk to him. I didn't want to stir anymore trouble between our now broken relationships as brothers. It's like my entire family was against me. Even my Aunt Rachel and Uncle Finn who think I am not normal either. I once eavesdropped on a conversation that my parents had with them. They thought I wasn't normal because I wasn't really interested in sports and more interested in reading Ronald Dahl novels and short stories. I don't remember much of the conversation but I heard my Father yell at them and soon after they left.

I burst through the door once I reached home and raced up the stairs after I kicked off my black rain boots. I didn't want Ms. Fabray to see all the mud on my blazer and uniformed pants. I got to my room and locked the door so no one can come in. I shed my blazer and pants and put on my pyjamas. I manage to pick up any clothes and toss them all in the hamper so Beyonce can get her daily exercise. I pad over to her cage near my bed and find her awaiting for me. I know it may be weird for a boy to say but I think she is a very beautiful. The way her brown-ginger hair falls over around her body and the way her blue eyes a big and bright. I had her for about six years and even for her old age she is sill as happy a she was when she was a baby.

I set her on the floor and she toddles away from me to escape under a blanket on the ground and probably cuddle under it. I feel tired and I usually fall asleep after I come home but today I felt different. I always thought that maybe at least I had my family to fall onto but now I only have my guinea pig which is pretty pathetic. What's the point?

So now I sit at my Dad's office typing down what I have to say. I have like photogenic memory so I everything everyone say is like almost accurate. My old therapist says I should keep a diary but I don't always have the time to write. But now I do and this is probably my last entry. I just want everything kept inside me to let loose on paper. Anyway now I am going to kill myself. I know what suicide is because every year at Dalton we have a week dedicated to suicide people so yeah. They tell us not to do it but if they really knew they would understand why people might do it. No one at school does, I don't have any friends, my brother hates me, my parents don't care about me, and my best friend in the whole world is a guinea pig who has a troubled bladder. I now understand what most of those suicide people went through before they killed themselves.

I thought long a hard about it and decided this was my only option. I just can't deal with the pain I go through at school and I use to get over it when I came home to the happy atmosphere I called home but now it feels empty and cold.

I wanted everyone to know that this is my last journal entry and hopefully the last thing you will get out of me before I go. I also wanted to use my journal entry as a look in the life of me too show how I felt over the months and why. If anyone's feeling were hurt reading this letter I am sorry but that's how I feel.

Now I want to say good-bye and sorry I had to do this but I had to get everyone out of their misery. I love you Father and I will still love you even if you don't and I love you Dad even though you probably left us and I love you Nathan despite the fact that you think I am a freak. Good-bye Granddad and Grandma and Grandpa and I will always love you. Can whoever reads this say good-bye to Charlie and Beyonce. Even though they don't understand it makes me feel like they do. I know that taking my own life sounds wrong and selfish but if I live than I will go back to the worthless freak put on earth to make others miserable.

Well this is it so good-bye and I will miss and still love most of you. I am sorry that I had to kill myself but I will see you all on the flip side.

From,

Joshua Finn Cooper Hummel- Anderson

A/N- this is the suicide letter of Josh. This and the next chap used to be one but they were really long so I had to spilt them. I want to thank everyone who read and commented it was much appreciated. Leave a comment if you want or favorite . Leave a comment if I should child services involved or not cause if the police got their hands on this letter Kurt and Blaine could be in big trouble. The next chap will start off with Quinn and end with Kurt but I will have that chapter up soon unlike this chapter.


	9. Chapter 9

A/N- Hey guys you are probably wondering why it takes forever for me to update but at my house computer time in limited ever since my little sis found out about Club Penguin. Plus this update took forever and it battles a serious topic so I wanted to be careful on how I wrote it. Hope you enjoy reading!

Disclaimer- Don't own gLee clearly

Quinn's pov

I re-read the letter for what felt like the 500th time. I wiped my eyes and blew my nose tossing another used tissue in the garbage near me. The nurses had to push the garbage can closer to where I was sitting because they wanted to keep my germy tissues in one section of the hospital. I was waiting in the waiting room floor what felt like fourteen hours but I was only here for about 2. I called Kurt like twenty minutes ago and I knew he would be here any minute.

I didn't call Blaine 'cause the hospitals didn't allow cell phone use in the hallways or rooms and I only had enough time for Kurt's call on my cell before a nurse told me. I could go outside and make the call but Nathan was resting and I didn't want some pedo to come and take him. For now all I could do was waiting until Kurt came.

But I didn't want to wait around while Joshua could potentially be dead around the corner. No matter how many crosswords I finish or playing Angry Birds until my battery dies I just couldn't get Joshua out of m mind. So I'm going to tell you which hopefully will help me get it out of my system.

When I found Joshua it was about 6:50 pm. I was going to put away some folded bathroom towels in Josh and Nathan's bathroom trying to dodge over the multiple toys Nathan leaves scattered in the hallway I managed to make it to the bathroom only to see Joshua slumped over the tub with only a red t-shirt and underwear. I screamed the minute I saw his lithe body covered in blood with a razor still in tack with his limp hand. He was pale faced and his forearms were covered in blood – fresh and dried. His arms weren't slashed horizontally like most suicide victims but deep, deep cuts from the elbow to his wrist. Blood was gushing from his forearms dripping all over the rug and floor and somehow his hair. I even saw some cuts on his legs that was not as deep but still managed to produce blood. It was a sickening and scarring sight. I dropped the towels I was carrying trying to find a pulse, only to find a very weak one. I was fumbling my cell phone out of my pocket and dialled 911 right away trying not to let my emotions overcome my speech.

It was a blur after that. Nathan even ran into the bathroom when he noticed my screaming and immediately started to cry. The paramedics raced through the front door guided by Nathan to the bathroom. I by Joshua's side until the paramedics shuffled Joshua into the ambulance outside. It was an ironically bright and sunny outside with the birds chirping after a heavy rain and the neighbors out on their lawns watching in awe at Joshua being shuffled in the ambulance. During the mayhem I overheard some bald man across the road loudly tell his wife that "the fags finally got what was coming to them and their Satan spawned children." It took lot strength to withhold my angry choice words toward the homophobic ass and is ugly, fat wife for the sake Nathan. I just kept a straight face and held Nathan tighter in my arms as we watched the ambulance carrying Joshua madly drive down the street. I placed him in my Mercedes-Benz and rushed to the hospital riding on the tails of the ambulance. I tried to reassure him but even I had trouble believing what I was saying. The entire car ride I had to listen to the heartbreaking child whispering, "It's my entire fault."

Now were here. The doctor wouldn't tell me anything yet until Kurt got here but he reassured me that they are trying everything they could do. I wanted to believe him but when a doctor says something along the lines of "trying everything they can do" and "don't have much hope."

I can't believe that Joshua would want to take his own life. I always believed that suicide was the selfish way to die but in his letter he felt like no one loved him and no point to live. Dave had people that loved him and supported him like his father or people like Kurt. Unlike Dave, Joshua literally believed that his parents and family hated him and from his point of view it seemed like a good one. He witnessed the fight between_ them_ but I never knew he heard Kurt say_ that. _Joshua also mentioned things like bullies at school making him have no friends and the fight between Nathan and him. What really stung was how he lied so much in order to keep his life safe and keep Blaine and Kurt unworried for their son.

Yet how could a ten year old boy be so damaged? A child is supposed to be away protected and nurtured by family and kept out of harm's way. Kurt and Blaine have practically disappeared from their lives and I'm the only "parent" making an effort to raise these boys. I love them and I know they love me but coming from one divorced couple's kid to soon to be another's, life won't get an easier after their parents spilt. I know Kurt and Blaine haven't made it official but with the circumstances holding the divorce it's likely they'll get one. And what will life be after this divorce? Hell I'm sure and if you don't agree look at them now.

It seems like yesterday he was once a perfectly smiling little eight year old boy without a care in the world and then one day he wasn't. Now he's some antisocial, awkward, and too smart for his own good 10 year old kid who goes to school everyday scared that he would endure another shoving session. And his home life wasn't any better. He kept away from Blaine in fear of getting punched or smacked around. I know I would if I saw my father punch my mother. Kurt was defiantly hurting Joshua emotionally and mentally but probably didn't even know the damage he was doing to Josh.

It was the wrong environment that the children were raised in yet it was all they had left. Kurt and Blaine were practically neglecting their sons so I was the sole string that the two boys depended on. I have to admit it made my heart slightly tingle when Joshua wrote how great I was and burned a little when he said I could be a great mom. But even I couldn't help because the sweetest boy I know is in this God forsaken hospital for a suicide attempt. There is defiantly something wrong in the world when a ten year wants tragically end his short life.

I finally tucked away the letter in my purse not wanting to see it anymore. I managed to stir awake Nathan. He rose his sleepy head up and whispered to me, "Ms. Fabray..."

I wiped up any tears that appeared on my face before answering. "What is it sweetie?" I asked Nathan. When I look to him I think of pure innocence and for a moment it makes me smile until reality knocks on my head bringing me back to the letter and the vicious words Nathan said to Josh at the park.

"Am I going to h-e- double hockey sticks? Be-because I said something really mean to Josh. Is Joshua in hospital c-cause of me?"Asked Nathan weepily, clinging to my jacket.

"Honey no, no! Joshua is very-"I started but was interrupted by a tap on my shoulder.

It was Kurt or at least I thought it was Kurt. He had a beard but not heavily hairy just about a week or two old taint and his eyes were sad and gray with large bags underneath and tears falling slowly down. His sagging shoulders and dangling limp arms read 'exhausted." His wool trench coat was hanging off his body and his combat boots looked muddy and worn probably fro running though the mud and puddles in the hospital parking lot. It was evident he ran up the stairs cause he was inhaling and exhaling vast amounts of air and his hair looked very wind blown unlike his usually hairspray'd style. Plus the non-emergency elevator was not running so that could be a key factor. Needless to say this man did not look anything like the Kurt Hummel once knew.

Before I could say anything Kurt asked, "Where is Josh? How is he? Is he dead? Wha-what's happening to my son?" I could hear and see Kurt was in a panic. His breathing was rapid and he was stuttering like a broken record. I managed to get up and sit Kurt down in a chair and hand him a glass of water to calm him down, but declined because he was too shaky to hold it.

"Quinn what happened to Joshie? Is he dead?" asked Kurt with fear in his wet eyes. I reached out for his hand and gripped it, this time he didn't wince away.

"I don't know if Joshua is alive or dead but when I found him his pulse was weak and the-" I started to say until Kurt again interrupted.

"You don't know if Josh is alive or dead? What the fuck are we sitting here for?" I felt Kurt's pulse beat even faster than before.

"Kurt, Kurt please can you listen?" I pleaded him. I was also a hot mess but Kurt was full blown disaster of emotions.

"From what the doctor had told me he is in surgery and that is all I got from an hour ago so he is probably still in surgery. They said they will comeback when they are done with surgery." I said informatively to Kurt who just responded back with a sad nod.

"I-I found Josh in the bathroom like I told you. He tried to kill himself by- by slitting his forearms and legs with a razor. The paramedics said if I didn't find him in like two minutes he w-would have probably not made it."I choked out with a sob. I tried to keep it in for Nathan who was quietly sobbing beside me but my emotions and feelings were too overcompensated and just let out. I felt a small hand rub my back on my right and I peered from my hands to see the equally sad little boy Nathan. I reached over and gave him a hug.

"Are you okay baby boy?" I asked him. Nathan just sniffled and nodded. I picked him up and so he can sit in my lap. My dress suit is damned. He cuddled and hug around me with his head near my heart possibly for comfort. I read somewhere that a heartbeat is soothing for young children. Soon after he fell asleep. I also fell asleep to the nice smell of Nathan's shampoo.

When I woke up I tiredly looked at my watch and realised I fell asleep for about forty minutes. I looked on my left where Kurt sat but he was no where too be seen. _Oh no_, I thought, _He must have left in search of Joshua_.

I picked up a sleeping Nathan and was searching everywhere in the hospital halls. I was dodging wheelchair ridden people and crabby nurses. I finally found Kurt going toward a door that was marked DO NOT TRESPASS UNLESS A DOCTER/NURSE. I jostled after Kurt who was two seconds away from going through the doors, "KURRTT! STOP!" I screamed. I caught up to him and with my free hand I grabbed his arm but he pulled away.

"Quinn I have to know what's h-happening right now! I-I really n-need to know!" Kurt answered but he kneeled on the ground and cupped his hands over his face over. It was clear that Kurt was in a full blown panic attack. He was taking large breaths and rocking back and forth. I hand my hand full with Nathan and my briefcase and I also was carrying around Joshua's hospital forms. My hands were tied so my efforts to try to push Kurt away were futile.

I left Kurt kneeling in the hallway because I couldn't do anything so I just left him like a child having a tantrum. Leave them alone and soon the mayhem will stop. Nathan and I retreated to some (finally cushioned) chairs near Joshua's operating room. It gave me an advantage to see Kurt. I peered over to Nathan who was still sleeping peacefully, innocent to the noise that erupted earlier.

I shifted my view to Kurt who was still. I tiptoed in my very expensive and very new Prada black heels trying to not get any scratched toward Kurt who was asleep too.

_Great_, I thought, _another person to babysit._Not that I mind babysitting Joshua and Nathan because too me they were like the children I never got to raise. I'm a lawyer at a branch in East Lima. I originally wanted to practice law in California but my mother was sick a year after I graduated top in my class from both Yale and Harvard. Yes I know two degrees from two exceptional schools but my parents wanted the best. Well my mother did. She was so thrilled to have a successful daughter that overcame adversity that she would often party with other proud parents of equally successful kids on booze cruises and alcoholic getaways. Eventually her overdoing on the alcohol lead to kidney failure and I was stuck playing nurse to my ill mother. Unfortunately she died before I turned 32 and even after her untimely death I still felt responsible to stay behind and maintain the lavish house she got in the divorce from my still estranged father. 4 years after her death I am still here in Lima as a corporate lawyer earning a reasonable $ 90,000 a year and living in my childhood home. I still have the urges to get out of Lima some days but right now I can't. The separation of Kurt and Blaine has left them practically estranged to their kids. I am not complaining either. I love those kids like they were my own and as god- mother to both of them it is my duty to care for them.

Okay I admit I did lie to them but what parent/ guardian hasn't to a kid? I would hear about broken families all the time as a child and the awful things they would go through. Not to mention how awful the divorce was between my parents through the summer of 2010 because the custody battle was a big mess. I didn't want the boys to know about there parents separation so I just lied to them, what's the big deal right? I rather let the children have some normalcy in their life then none at all.

Speaking of a non-normal life it seems like my life is almost non-existent. I don't date anymore because the selection of men in Lima is almost all married old fat guys and some are looking for a mistress. So not interested.

I just wish I had a better life that's all. I wish I went to more parties or at least got together with friends if I had any single friends. All of my friends are married (or separated) with kids living in Ohio and if not they are miles away in another state raising a family or are off the grid.

The highlights of my week are watching those kids and my days off on Sunday which I spend drinking red wine and watching Golden Girls with my cat Raspberry. I know pathetic.

But I am better than most people in this town for example, Kurt Hummel. His life is a shit storm since he started an affair and now is probably depressed, his husband hates him, and his son, Joshua, attempted suicide. I almost don't blame Kurt for his tantrum.

But in the back of my heart I do blame Kurt and Blaine for the damage that brought Josh to his brink and leaving their sons feel neglected and in fear. Blaine is …. is God knows where and Kurt is doing "everything" he can but not really communicating much with his children and comes off distant. Not to mention that Kurt and Blaine could get in serious trouble if the fuzz got hold of this letter because they could defiantly be charged with accounts of child neglect, domestic abuse, and possibly manslaughter.

A friend of mine, who is also a lawyer, came across a case where a female teenager committed suicide and about five people were charged and two were sentenced to about a year in prison on accounts of manslaughter. Apparently in the suicide letter she wrote the names of the people who bullied her whether it was physically, verbally, or emotionally and what they did to drive her to take her own life. Some pushed at school and called her horrible names like "Whore" or "Cock-slut" and two even created a website that I believe was called, "Why Marissa Fisher Should ." This was happening for months and no one noticed, not even her parents. Even all her friends deserted her when she was getting bullied and eventually they turned on her. My friend also told me that even though the people who were charged had nothing to do in the act of killing Marissa, they provoked it and the emotional pain they gave her through the website and the taunting was enough evidence to show that they pushed her to kill herself. I asked him why would they want to make Marissa to kill herself and the reason was that she was flirting with some boy. It was a boy who one of the most popular girls at her school had a crush on and Marissa didn't even know that she did either.

But I don't think I could rat out Blaine and Kurt to the police or child services. They defiantly had their fair share of reasons to be charged by the police like child endangerment or domestic violence or even neglect of children. Plus if they were found guilty Josh and Nathan would defiantly be removed from them by Child Services and probably never regain custody.

The thought of it sounds like a horror show. Having your children ripped away from you by a stranger they don't know who say it's an unfit environment to be raised and whisked away to another home with other children who could be bullies or molesters.

I shuddered at the thought. At least I know where my daughter is and I know that she is in good hands but the true conditions of foster homes is not a pretty sight. I hear stories on how children get molested by other foster kids or their foster parent. They are also ten times most likely to experiment with drugs and become addicts. Kurt and Blaine would sell all of their things and get back together even if they hated each other just if it meant they could keep their sons away from those things.

I know it would be right to inform the police but it would go against my values if I did. I am not a Rachel Berry; I don't tattle tale. But I also believe in safety and love in a home which is something that is seriously lacking at their house. But if the boys were to be taken out of their home from some one ratting one Kurt and Blaine which is defiantly not me ( probably Rachel and Finn if they got a hold of this) I would be more than welcome to take them in.

I snapped from my thoughts by another hand on my arm. It is Kurt again looking a lot calmer then before but still has the tears on his face and was shaking more than Michael J. Fox in a Canadian snowstorm. He must have waked up or something from his panic attack spaz on the floor.

Before I could say anything it looked like Kurt had something to say so I stayed quiet. Turns out I was right.

"Quinn," he began but his voice still pretty shaky. " Uh... fist I sincerely need to apologize for making you run to me with your hands full of Nathan and things. I don't know anyone who would actually do that for their friend but you which makes you that much more special. You and only you have been the greatest help over the months you stayed with this crazy household and I want to say on behalf of our entire household thank you. Thank you on helping out Blaine over the weeks I wasn't there and thank you for being the mother in the household while Blaine and I were away. And-and I want to thank you for f-finding Joshua and practically saving his life. I -and I can probably speak on behalf of Blaine- that we were defiantly not living up to the expectations and priorities that a parent should have. You really are a mother and if you got the chance to raise Beth, I bet she would be an outstanding and compassionate person much like yourself. Anyway I am going to bet you are tired of playing Mrs. Mom so I am going to relieve you of any duties at the house." I open my moth to speak but am droned out by Kurt once more. "You and your magical motherly instinct was the crazy glue that kept us somewhat sane. For everything you did for us for the months you were here I want to reward you- with money. Is it okay if I pay you through cash or write you a cheque?"

" Kur-Kurt please don't I have plenty-" I pleaded with tears in my eyes. His apology and thank you was pretty sincere I do admit but the money was unexpected and already too much.

"No, no, no I insist!" He said loud and firm, but I heard a tone of uneasiness. Kurt was stubborn clearly and even with my pleading he remained firm on his choice. He pulled out his cheque book and shakily wrote a cheque for five-thousand dollars. For him it was too much.

He tore the cheque and handed it to me wavering it front of me, "Please Quinn it would mean so much to me if you took it, so please," he begged. I reluctantly took the cheque but trust me I won't be cashing it. I slipped it away in my briefcase which will stay there until I unleash it on Mr. Shredder.

I muttered a thank you to Kurt as I put the cheque away. He seemed in the first time in weeks somewhat pleased and I didn't want to spoil it.

Before I could say anything Kurt began speaking, "Quinn you're free to go home. The visiting hours are almost up. Plus I don't want you to stay up too late because I know you have work tomorrow and VOGUE magazine says that..." I ignore Kurt babbling to look over to Nathan who was still dozing away.

"What about Nathan?" I said interrupting Kurt's nonsense. "And what about Joshua? What if he is out of surgery? And what about Blaine? Did you-" I was interrupted by Kurt putting his firm grip on my shoulder.

"I will just tell the nurses at the front desk to contact me if anything arises with Josh. In the meantime, I'm going to bring Nathan back home. He looks so tired and I don't him it's been a long day, "Kurt said quietly. He may sound clam but it's always seems peaceful before a storm. Let's just hope his breaking point will happen when he is alone not in front of Nathan or in the car. "As for Blaine well I'll call him tomorrow after 5 pm because that's when his flight lands back in Ohio."

I look at Kurt again. He didn't look fine. I sensed him hiding every emotion he felt and trying to compensate with money and a fake sense of hope. He wasn't fooling me because I know that Joshua being in the hospital for trying to take his own life is killing Kurt on the inside. He was devastated the week his father was in a coma and when Blaine had surgery on his eyes. Hell, his bully's attempted suicide made Kurt practically blame himself for it. I hope there isn't going to be more drama than the little episode he had a while ago.

I wish Blain was here but I don't know how much help he would be for Kurt.

I went to grab Nathan but Kurt stopped me and took over. I grabbed Kurt's jacket off the chair as he was getting a sleepy Nathan ready to leave. I glanced over to Kurt who was zipping up Nathan;sand I sneakily put the Joshua's suicide note in his pocket oblivious from Kurt's eyes. I handed Kurt's jacket to him and I rudely let out a big yawn in his face.

In return Kurt gave me a funny look but whatever I was really out of it. I was exhausted and I couldn't really focus on anything for more than five seconds. I gave Kurt a hug and Kurt somewhat gave me a squeeze with Nathan in his arms. I gave Nathan a kiss on his sleepy forehead and than a kiss on Kurt's wet and salty cheek.

I was tempted to stay the night for Joshua but the nurse and Kurt alarmed me beforehand of the visiting hours and it seemed like our time is almost up. I turned around to tell Kurt I wanted to stay overnight which I could only do so if a patient's relative's reason was good enough and in our case our chances were good. I also had to buy a room the hospital makes available to a patients parents and guardians. Hopefully I have my credit card.

I turned around from rummaging through my bag hoping to see Kurt but before I could say anything they were out of sight.

I sighed but I might as well go home. I didn't want to leave but the sound of my own bed sounded welcoming.

I also left the hallway in front of Joshua's operating room and I walked down the hospital corridor and into the stairwell. I walked down a couple a stairs until I noticed I reached the maternity floor. Through the door window I saw the ward where they put the new born babies. It felt like they were calling out to me to hold me and take care of their innocent selves. Then I noticed a piece a paper attached to the nursery ward door. I squinted until I could see it said, "Vollenteers Wanted."

I checked my watch and remembered that the hospital visiting hours end at 8 o'clock. For about an hour I could see the array of new babies and look at their tiny faces and hands and feet. And possibly even sign up for volunteer work. Kurt just released me from my duties helping out at his house so now all my time is free. I guess I could take it up with volunteer work instead of late night at the office and watching Katharine Hegel rom-coms.

I stepped on through the doors. Besides I wasn't that tired.

Kurt pov

Nathan and I finally reached my Honda Accord and thank Gaga because my arms felt like they were going to fall off. I managed to open the car door and plop Nathan into his car seat and buckled him up without waking him up. His head drooped and his hands clutched the fleece blanket I had placed carefully around him. It was a chilly April night.

I sat in the driver's seat for a good twenty minutes, quietly. No tears, no wailing "Why Joshua?" no hitting my cars' wheel. What have they ever done to help? Nothing. What lead me for my son to be in that hospital tonight was on Blaine and I but mostly me. Maybe if I tried harder to communicate better with him or paid him more attention to him than maybe Joshua would be back at home being a smiley ten year old boy.

But it's too late. The damage has been done and until morning there is no way of telling if my son will live or not after his surgery. Apparently he lost a lot of blood and damaged a ton of major blood vessels. The doctors don't even know if he will make it.

I was about to grab my keys until I pulled a note out of my pocket. Prior before I opened it my finger grazed over the paper and it felt slightly wrinkly like it got splashed with water. Than it hit me, _Oh Shit!_ I thought, _this is Joshua's suicide note_. Quinn must have put it in my jacket.

Instead of opening it I stuffed back in my jacket. I shouldn't nor couldn't read it in the dead of night while my sleeping son was in the back of my car in the middle of a Hospital's parking lot.

I went back in my pockets and retrieved my keys and started my car. I dried my tears before I drove back home.

Home didn't really feel home anymore. I didn't feel the love anymore like Blaine and I did when we moved in. When we moved in we literally had sex in like every room and on every surface in the house. We had so both had so much love for each other back than. When we adopted Joshua and Nathan and brought them home we felt a different kind of love that felt us bring us closer as a family. Now I don't feel much love. Blaine's gone well due to me, my depression, me having sex with a man that I am not married too, the fighting, the kids are neglected, Joshua's depression, and suicide. I think the appropriate term now is house no longer a home.

Much like I felt when I was sixteen, my house was no longer a loving home that was a safe haven to all. We finally arrived back to the house. Nathan was sleepy but he managed to walk to the door but he did almost trip over a random flower pot. I steered him to the door and jiggled the key to open it. I helped him out of his shoes while Nathan was keeping steady on my shoulders but somehow he fully fell on me. I lifted him up a little bit to see his face and he was full on sleeping. I sighed but instead of waking him I hoisted him up and carried up the stairs to his room. He finally cooperated while still sleeping to get undress and into his pajamas and ran a brush through his curly yet short-ish mane. I tucked him in and brushed back his hair and gave him a kiss good night on the forehead.

I was out of his room and I found myself tiptoeing towards Joshua's room to give him a kiss goodnight. I realised that Joshua wasn't here but at the hospital and soon the tears I was holding up inside finally let out. I was sobbing the tears couldn't be turned off. I had my hands over my mouth so Nathan wouldn't hear me but the tears clouded over my eyes to the point that everything is blurry.

I reached my room and I shut the door and slid down to the floor. It hit me too hard. My son, my little ten year old son committed suicide. My head is spinning with what really pushed him to do so? Was it me or Blaine or both? Were the school kids giving him a hard time again? I clutched my head thinking of all the shit that could have possessed him to commit suicide.

Then I remembered about his suicide note and how it was downstairs in my jackets pockets. I got up and ran of my room to the front door where I left my coat. I scrambled through my pockets until I found it and raced up the stairs back to my room, clutching the note between my fingers.

I wiped my tears and took a deep breath shaking away the thoughts going through my head that were, "Call Blaine" or "Don't open it. It's an invasion of privacy."

Screw it, I thought, I need to know why!

I sat on my bed rocking back and forth for a good forty minutes while reading and re-reading the letter. Everything in his letter was shocking and blunt. I guess it would be if this was the last thing he would ever say. Things like "the fight" between me and Blaine was defiantly one of his reasons but reading how he felt watching the fight. He wrote about the punching and drunkenness from Blaine and the yelling and crying from me. He said that he saw Aiden in my bed so yeah he was standing there for quite a while but had no idea who Aiden was. I also read all the things that he was going through at school. I had no idea that the boys at Dalton's school for young boys were treating him like shit or that he failed those tests in order to not be bullied further by an older group of boys. Also finding out that the friends Blaine and I thought he had been just a lie to get us off his back.

He even compared his childhood to my childhood and Blaine's too. Yes, Blaine was defiantly more adventurous but in my defence he had a brother and I was an only child. I try to protect my children from the dangers of the world online and out in the world but I guess my protection didn't help much. It slightly hurt my feelings that he thinks that Blaine's the more fun Dad while I am the boring one who can't be trusted. He also wrote that he fears Blaine now so I have no idea who he trusts the most now.

What really struck a cord was the fight between him and Nathan and all the ugly things Nathan called him. I always thought that they were the best of friends as brothers but I guess throughout the months of Blaine and I's relationship drama another relationship of brothers was also breaking apart. The words of Nathan saying he wished Joshua was dead really made me break down crying again. All in all, everything that Joshua wrote in his note was horrific and pretty eye opening. I really didn't want to believe Joshua wrote but why would Joshua lie in his death note?

And also from what I gather in the note Joshua wanted to die not because he wanted attention or anything but because he had believed that no one loved him. It was evident in his first paragraph. He simply believed no one loved him; not even his brother, not Blaine, not even Rachel or Finn. He even expressed deeply on when he heard me say that I didn't want him which made him make the connections that I don't love him. But I guess I don't blame him. He overheard me and Blaine fight and I guess he heard some words of that were of the "hate variety" and his name.

It probably hurt him. I know the feeling. When my father hung out with Finn it hurt me too and now Josh's going through the same thing if not worse.

The truth is I love my children. Even though I said I hate them or whatever I said but the thing is I hate myself. I truly hate myself for cheating on Blaine, for saying that about my children. I hate myself for lying to my family and I hate myself for everything this family has become. I don't care what Dr. Morgan said to me I feel pretty selfish.

I finally redeem myself about twenty minutes after I read the note. I stood up from the bed and an overview of the room. It was bare of all things Blaine. He must have swooped in here when I was gone and took all of his things. I heard that he was staying at Wes's house or something, I don't know.

This bedroom was a reminder of how broken we are; as a family and relationship. The room was bare of all things him, it was cold much like my heart, and I felt a sort of emptiness like my bed experienced every night. Yeah I know it kind of tacky but true. I couldn't sleep in that bed anymore. It was were Aiden and I spelt together in, it was the bedroom where we had that disgusting fight, and it _was_ also the resting place of Mr. & Mr. Kurt and Blaine Hummel-Anderson. I now reside at night to a soft chair in the corner of the room. It hurt my back after a couple weeks- whatever I deserve it. Plus it didn't help that near my window were a bunch of owls howling it up out there. They give me an earful until morning. I know a bunch of good reasons why I pretty much gave up looking good each day.

I looked around circling my entire four wall room. The warm colours on the walls, flooring, and furniture had a feeling that felt kind of cold and uninviting. Even the pictures of our kids and us as a family felt like an utter joke. I didn't belong in this room because it felt like a constant reminder of the good old days.

Nothing is going to be the same when Blaine comes back from Palm Springs o wherever the hell he is and possibly if Joshua ever awakes and comes home from the hospital. Blaine is probably going to pull out the divorce papers and Joshua and Nathan are going to have to be pulled and stretched out like taffy between Blaine and I.

I am probably going to be a broke and divorced high school teacher/ gay single dad living with my parents in a closed off small town in Ohio. But I don't care anymore. I love Blaine but I would rather be divorced from him if that meant less fighting at home for our kids to witness. I don't want my young kids to feel stressed out because they feel like they are responsible for the fighting between me and Blaine so if that meant a divorce to end the unwanted stress on my kids I would defiantly end our marriage. Besides we haven't had a couple's therapy in a three weeks just individual therapy sessions and nothing in our marriage seems like it will turn around for the good.

I got out of the room. I didn't belong in the family guy and great husband category anymore. I was sad and broken and the only thing keeping me together was hopefully was both of my sons.

I went down the hallway and went into my son's room and crawled under the covers. I didn't plan on waking him up but I guess I made too much noise even though he is probably one of the hardest to wake up next to Finn. "Daddy?" Nathan whispered. "What are you doing in here?"

I draped my arm around him and snuggled him closer to me and luckily he didn't push away.

"I couldn't sleep," I said. "Is it okay if I sleep here tonight little man?"

" Mmm-hmm," Nathan yawned tiredly and soon he feel asleep snuggled within my arm. I pulled closer didn't want to let him go yet.

Soon I fell asleep to the smell of mangos from Nathan's hair and his comfortable bed. Until tomorrow I would go visit Joshua at the hospital and probably even deal with Blaine's aggressive behaviour after he fly's back in Ohio. But for now Nathan and I will snuggle together and while he'll be in dreamland, I'll still be in hell.

A/N- Hey guys please a comment if you can because I probably will update faster than before. Thank you for the alerts or favourites anyone sent me and the comments anyone left me. Also side note I was wondering if a person who is separated from their married partner can they date another person. I only seen TV shows like The Big C( if anyone ever watched the show) where Cathy dated another guy while separated from Paul and even Paul slept with another woman but in the end they came back together and I think their marriage is better than ever.

Anyway put your thought on it because I have some ideas for Blaine. Ps he is featured in the next chapter.


	10. Chapter 10

A/n- have a nice read!

Disclaimer- don't own anything but Blaine's ass

When I woke up, I immediately went on auto-pilot. I deserted Nathan's still sleeping body and went downstairs and grabbed a quick cup of Joe; black, no sugar. I downed three large cups and went upstairs and took a quick shower without shaving my beard or even attempting to do my morning skin regimen. Well I haven't done that in a while but nonetheless I marched on with the rest of my morning. I brushed my teeth, took my old man vitamins as well as my two inch thick anti depressant. I chugged the disgusting taste of the pill with a glass of water and proceeded out of the washroom to my dresser. I selected only the ones I could reach first. I slid into my old rusty red jeans I haven't worn in like ten years and the button up and collared grey shit with light grey polka dots. Though it may look like I put effort in my out fit I couldn't have cared less if it was a clown suit I just wanted to get up and go see Joshua. I got dressed and for a nanosecond I was surprised how at my age I can still fit my jeans from high school. I felt a sense of pride but it immediately washed away with a sea of guilt.

I padded my way to Nathan's room passing Joshua's room. I stopped and peered in my son's empty room. I walked in looking around not touching anything as if it was a fancy thin glass art museum. Joshua was always organized and just by looking through his bedroom he wasn't an ordinary little boy. I opened his drawer and I saw clean socks. Socks that were folded up neatly and organized by the colours of the rainbow, ROY G BIV.

I don't even do that, let alone any ordinary ten year old boy. I sighed, maybe he wasn't so ordinary.

I'm not one of those parents who believe that their child is more special than the rest and I don't have pride in minor accomplishments done by my children. It was how I was raised by my father. My father has pride but only when I have done my very best like when I got into NYADA. Rachal called me out as bitter when I confessed to her that when Nathan was fourth place for his soccer team last year and received a trophy of participation, I had the thought of telling the coach to not hand Nathan one because he didn't earn it. I didn't because the other parents and Blaine were too filled with pride for their sons lack lustre accomplishment.

Maybe I shouldn't have had the idea to do it but what would it teach my son to have a trophy for fourth place? Nothing. It would teach him that hey even if your last place its cool- you don't have to try harder or nothing to be first since you always get an awesome that's all the same height as the winner. Would it teach my son in the future that a 63 in 12th grade math and science despite not high enough to have honours it would be good enough for a pass and maybe community college. Not that there is nothing wrong with community college I just think that my sons can do better than a 63 or fourth place.

"Squeak, Squeak!" came a noise from the other side of his room that gave me practically a heart attack. I walked over to Beyonce's cage and peered inside to see the rodent looking up toward me, nose up. Her front paws were on her food bowl and she glanced back down and up again until it hit me that she was telling me she really was hungry.

Its no secret I dislike this pig but seeing as my son cherished this pig I think it would be kind if I at least feed it. I went over to the bathroom next to his room and retrieve the food when the site of dried blood on the tub and walls stop me in my tracks.

I stood there for a good ten minutes, my emotions were overwhelming me but I stood in silence unable to grasp any. My eyes lingered at the blood on the walls, blood on the tub and rugs, on the floor and shower curtain. I saw footprints that the blood tracked in and I saw the disgusting razor my son used to try and take his life just laying here on the side of the tub as if it was meant to be there.

I closed the door behind me and locked the door. Nathan could wake up any second and the first thing he does every morning is usually pee in the toilet or close to it. I decided to clean everything up and toss out the rugs that were caked with dried blood and hair.

II reached under the bloodstained drawers under the sink for the full gallon of bleach, sponge, and fold out mop. I cleaned every possibly every surface with just bleach to the point where I was used to the very strong scent. I scrubbed and scrubbed the tile grout until my knuckles were raw and red and clean to my satisfaction. But I wasn't satisfied. I kept scrubbing and scrubbing everything my hardest because I probably not just wanted it clean but shiny and brand-new.

But things were never ever was going to be the brand-new and purely clean I wanted no matter how much I scrubbed.

I got up after I cleaned and dumped everything under the sink and padded downstairs to the garage and threw out the empty container of bleach. I staggered back realising it took an entire full gallon of bleach to clean up a part of my son. My repressed emotions and tears were coming up fast and standing alone in a cold empty room made it seem like the perfect room to cry in grief. But I couldn't no matter how much force I used. I wasn't strong anymore, I was weak.

Weak for my husband, weak for my children, weak for suppressing my emotions, and most of all weak for not even trying to help any of them.

"Daddy?" snapped me out of my thoughts. It was Nathan of course, standing in the door frame wearing his Spiderman pj's. He was biting on just his index fingernail, an ongoing habit he had when he was nervous.

"What is it Nathan?" I leapt up the door stairs and shuffled myself and Nathan from the gorge door, through the small laundry room, and into the hallway holding Nathan's hand.

"_Pump-pump_," Nathan whispered looking up at me, squeezing my hand twice. Nathan always did that when he held my hand, especially when he was unsure of anything. I pumped back twice, to tell him I was there for him and always there for him and Joshua only. We walked into the kitchen and he bounded toward the cup boards and grabbed Foot Loops, a cereal I loathe and ban from this house from its sugar content. I grab the box the second he puts it on the table.

"What is this Nathan?" I ask sternly, towering over him holding the box of cereal. "You know you aren't allowed this?"

"It's Froot Loops, Daddy," Nathan answered nervously, "Aunt Quinn buyed it for us."

"You mean she bought it for you right?" I asked again, more anger was seeping in, "You know this cereal isn't allowed this in the house right? You know Nathaniel? You know fully well you aren't allowed this sugar dessert they call a breakfast cereal. Why are you eating this anyway? You should have told Aunt Quinn that this is not allowed! Do you understand me, Nathaniel!?"

I was full on shouting at Nathan now, while he stood helpless and vulnarble, all by himself, " Ye-yes Daddy," Nathan stuttred out, " but Auntie Quinnn said it-it was al-alright eat, Daddy. Im sorry I wont eat it again."

" Of course you wont eat it again Nathaniel! This is the last time you will ever eat any sugar in this household! No more sweets, no more ice cream, no peanut butter, no brownies, no granola bars, no birthday cake is allowed under my roof! Do you understand?! From now on you will only eat vegetables, fruit, and only drink water! Okay Nathaniel? I'm sick of your attitude too! You know that this diabetes starting ceral isn't allowed in this house yet you disobeyed you father and I's rules! Why would you do such a thing!? Is this your new thing now? Being a bad boy and have the consequence of being forever grounded huh? I can take away everything you love and trap you in this house? Would you like that Nathaniel? " I spat out, as I finished screaming at my child who stood there silent. I just sat down slumped in my chair over the table rubbing my temples.

"Daddy I-I-I'm really sorry-," Nathan started to speak, but his choked throat interrupted him and started to violently sob. The second the tear fell, the guilt ate away inside me. I didn't want to yell at him, it was just- I don't know- brain vomit. My emotions were so suppressed and that –that STUPID box of Froot Loops was the last straw. I can't take it anymore. I destroyed every relationship around me. I destroyed my marriage, my affair, my father-in-law's, my sons, and Quinn too. Everything is going to fall to shit with my family too. My father will never speak to me again when he hears about this. Rachel will most defiantly choose Blaine's side in all of this. All I have left is me and what good do I ever do?

"Nathan...I'm not mad at you. It's just that- that over the past few months our family hasn't been-been the happiest...you know that right?" Nathan wiped his tears and wiped his tears on his sleeve. I did the same.

"Daddy can I ask you a question?" Nathan asked. I nodded yes, sitting up straight opening my arms up fro a hug. I, undeservingly, got a hug from him and he sat in my lap.

"Go ahead, Buddy," I said, rubbing my hand through his shaggy curls. I love Nathan and everything about his young soul. He was a good person and it showed when sometimes I would scold him for eating the new ice cream tub or anything else until I learnt it was someone else who did it (it was usually Blaine who ate it ) Nathan always forgive me, give me a big hug and act like it was a honest mistake.

"Is it true that you never wanted me and Joshua? He told me and that why I pushed him cause I think he was lying. Was Josh lying?"

"Nathan, what he heard was... true but we adopted you guys at a young age and it was hard at first to raise you properly. I never meant that I hate you," I firmly answered him; "I love you and him with all my heart and I would die if I ever lost you or him okay? You mean the world to me and I'm sorry if I ever hurt you... I don't want you guys, I need you guys. Its just am really upset and I took it out on you and that wasn't right. Do you forgive me?" I pleaded. My throat buckled and I started to cry but my face never showed it.

"I do Daddy," Nathan said, his innocent face beaming when he heard that I loved him. I breathed a sigh of relief when he gave me a hug and kissed my fuzzy face.

I patted his back to which he jumped of my lap and proceeded to grab the Froot Loops, " Daddy, can I please have these?" I nodded because I was in no mood to yell at him. He did nothing wrong- I did wrong, but not him. I got up and watched as his tiny face spread a grin from ear to ear bounced to the fridge to grab the milk carton. I shifted from the cupboard to grab two bowls, two glasses, and two spoons and dragged myself to the table. I sat down and poured myself bowl and my son and despite hating this cereal I enjoyed my time with my son. I smiled when he pretended to make glasses from the loops and for a second I felt happy again.

" Daddy?" Nathan asked me when I was mid bite of my soggy cereal.

"Yesh?" I responded back with my mouth dripping of milk and full of cereal. I swallowed the sugar as Nathan mumbled his question.

" Nathan can you please speak up?" I asked, " No mumbling."

" Why is Joshua in the hospital?" Natha asked with a quiet shaky voice, like it was wrong for him to be curious where his brother is.

" Well...uh Josua is in the hospital because..."I knew why but all that was coming out of my mouth was not the answer he wanted. He wanted it straightforward but he was to young to understand. I don't know how to comprehend suicide to a six year old.

" Well Joshua just didn't want to live here... anymore," I started out slowy trying to watch my words, " and I don't want to frighten you but what Joshua did was a very deadly and he almostwent away...forever." I gazed at my son's eyes but something told me that he still didn't understand.

" What I mean is..." I tried to find the right words. I didn't want to say words like suicide, depression, felt or stabbed himself with razors and tell him why Joshua wanted to kill himself. I didn't want my son to blame himself and hurt himself just like Joshua had done. If Joshua could try, Nathan could be capable of doing it too. Nathan saw Joshua limp body in the bathroom but he didn't comprehend why he did it.

"I know Joshua tried to kill himself, Daddy" Nathan said while looking in his bowl at the last soggy three loops. "But why?" I was shocked to here the blunt words escape my son's mouth but he didn't look happy when he said those words. He looked uneasy and nervous but he didn't like he might get in trouble or something. I felt his foot going up and down which is what he does when he is very anxious.

"There are many reasons why Nathan but mostly bemuse he was very sad and felt like no one loved him," I told him but he looked like on the brink of tears, "But you know that no one hates him right? We all love him and just because –"

"I told him I don't love him," Nathan looked down in his lap, "I told him that yesterday and than me and Ms. Fabray found him almost dead. It was my entire fault. But-but I- I – I didn't mean it I swear! I'm so so so sorry Daddy!" He put his hands on his face and started to cry. I grab Nathan from his chair and pick him up and gave him a huge hug.

" Nathan, what you did was very mean but you weren't the reason," I clung to my son and whisper in his hear to stop his crying, " You are never the reason and when you see him next time I want you to tell him you love him and will always be there for him. You are brothers and forever best friends and together you must be always there for each other, okay?"

"I love him Daddy" my son whispered in my ear. "I hope he loves me still."

"He does Nathan," I tell him, wiping away tears, "he always will,"

I set Nathan on the floor and gather up all the used cutlery and empty glasses and set them in the sink and empties out the milk from my bowl into his mouth as he returns to the table.

"Daddy? When is Dad coming home from his business trip?" Nathan asked as he ran up the stairs, me following behind him.

I suddenly remembered Blaine. I realised that for the three weeks Blaine was gone it was as if anything about him and the drama and troubles of our marriage vanished from my mind for a short period for other bigger issues. My children always go before my marriage and if Blaine wants to leave, fine. I love him but my children are my first priority.

I didn't care what my therapist said. I am selfish. All I thought about over the weeks was myself and what others would think of me and look what happened. For God's sakes, my son tried to kill himself and Joshua and I were living under the same roof and I never noticed the signs. All I thought about was myself and what others would think of me but I never once thought of my sons.

I quickly dressed Nathan when we reached his room telling him to be quiet and get dressed, ignoring his question about his Dad. I didn't know where my husband is nor did I really care.

I shuffled my son through the door and into our car, "Okay Nathan," I tell him while I start the car, "when we get to the hospital I want you to keep quiet until I tell you okay?" I look in his direction through the rear-view mirror, as I here a faint yes from his mouth.

I never did call Blaine.

Hey guys! Sorry I haven't uploaded in about something odd months. I have been real busy with school and I know you guys here that excuse a lot here. I will never put up a authors note as a explanation chapter with no story because I find those disappointing to the reader who thought the author uploaded but they really didn't. I hope you enjoy and leave constructive criticism below or a fan letter or a hate message. Bye thank for reading

-littleyellowchrysanthemum

Or Vanessa


	11. Chapter 11

We brought him home two weeks later. And by we, I mean the insurance company and I. The insurance company forced me too but I thought he needed to stay longer. I asked if I could pay out of my pocket but the two-thousand a night fee only made me more embarrassed to say no.

Joshua was weak when Nathan and I went to see him last week, his blood levels were low, and enough to slip into a coma especially since the drugs in his body are strong. He is still pretty weak but he gained some weight and now can sit up on his own.

I couldn't take it in the beginning of our daily visits throughout the week, sometimes I would cry, which would happen a lot. I tended to yell at the nurses too, shouting at them when they weren't fast enough or they fumbled a needle. Last Wednesday a new nurse rammed her big fat cart into Joshua's bed. I think I popped a blood vessel when I screamed for breaking the bed frame that held my baby. Well it didn't crack but I was very much on edge last week.

I paced back and forth, darting my eyes on a bored Nathan, who sat lazily on a stiff hospital chair, and a sleepy Joshua, who complied with a nurse wrapping gauze around his thick stiches. His cuts weren't healing fast enough since he kept removing the stich at night. They had to give him heavy drugs for him to stop leaving him in a very sleepy state, but you would think he was in a coma.

His head bobbed down, letting some drool fall out on his pj shirt. He looked so little in his pajamas, innocent in his sleep, heavy drugs pumping his thin veins; I only felt worthless.

The nurse left the room, leaving only the flimsy wheelchair for his exit. I picked up his frail body and gently putting it on the chair, wrapping him up with three fleece blankets and put on his winter boots and think mittens over his pail white hands. His long hair was cut by the hospital hairdresser since it got in the way making him look like a sick kid, making me cry. He resembled a ghostly skeleton, his skin was translucent enough to see his bones and veins but he no longer had sunken in cheeks.

Nathan collected all of Joshua's toys, various cards, and medications shoving it in Joshua's bag, and tried to catch up to me as the same nurse who wrapped his stitches with gauze approached me from another room. She placed her hand on the wheelchair, stopping us in our tracks.

"Sir, hospital policy states that a nurse or medical professional must escort all discharged patients, you cannot," she said firmly, arms crossed. An attitude that smeared across me like shit.

"I'm his father, you can't tell me what I can and cannot do with my son." I said, my hands still gripped to his wheelchair.

"Sir Hospital policy doesn't allow you to escort him out. Now please, let me handle your son and guide him to your car." She said forcing her hands on his wheelchair, ripping my grip from it. I tripped back a little, disgust was on my face, but I trudged toward the front desk. I scribbled out the release forms in agony, feeling that my mentally sick son shouldn't go to school. My shaking hand tripped up my signature and the secretary snatched up the forms, glanced upon them and waved me off.

The elevator ride was less than glorious, the fact that the same bitchy nurse was still here didn't help, I stood there disheveled trying to get my littlest son to give up some of the things in his hand, feeling helpless and alone.

When we finally left the hospital doors, the cold wind of the March morning breezed through us as we trudged toward my Honda. The nurse only made it to the front door, felt the cold minus 15 air and deserted my sons and I, my head screaming "Fucking bitch!" First she throws a fit and now due to a little cold won't even help me put my son in the car.

The car was quite far, found it sitting in parking lot Q. The hospital valet was no help, since they actually forgot where my car is. My sons and I walked and wheeled around looking for my damn car, the frostbites creeping up quickly on our faces, pinching our noses. I think it took about 25 minutes to locate it and during those agonizing minutes I heard endless cries from Nathan, juggling all of Joshua medications, and trying to warm up Joshua in his blankets, but I finally found my damn car at the end of the lot.

Running to the car, we didn't fear the ice threatening my balance, only welcoming the warmth. Nathan piled in first and I picked up Joshua and rested himself on the soft back seat and seatbelt pillow, layering to blankets to keep him warm. I jumped in the driver's side, throwing every thing I have in the passenger seat. I go to adjust my mirrors, catching the sweet moment of Nathan holding Joshua's frail hand.

Those boys make my life happy and I couldn't think of a time without them when I was happier.

I revered and sped out of the lot and wait in the stop sign waiting line.

I don't follow much after that. Blaine never returned back, making me think that our marriage is done. Well I don't think so but I did the deed so he will plant the seed of our impending future. I still go to therapy but I don't do it for us I only do it formed. Without it I probably would become the alcoholic my Aunt was after her divorce.

As we sit in the traffic, the cars barely bumping by in line, you probably know I am an impatient fellow. I don't like to wait, I need to know now. The urge of my impatience is smoking, god I wish I had one now. Well I have them, I feel the box in my pocket but my kids are with me and Nathan already has a little asthma problems as it is.

After twenty fucking minutes of waiting, I finally get on the main road I want, speeding away.

" Daddy why are you speeding real fast?" asked Nathan in the back. My foot let off a little lead, returning it to the minimum speed.

" Just wanted to get out of there Nat." I replied, gripping the wheel. Eyes were dead center on direction.

The trip back home was a long one, almost 40 minutes, making it the closest hospital to my house. I hate how far we live in Ohio, which is still Lima but almost no one lives there still. I am one of the few teachers left in McKinley and there are only about 250 students left in school. The teachers either leave or get laid off and I am one of the last there. I don't know how long I have left.

Blaine will probably leave me, without alimony, and the children will most likely be in his hands for obvious reasons.

I pulled into the driveway or at least tried since some asshole parked in my driveway.

" Who's car is that Daddy?" asked Nathan, rubbing his tired eyes. I'm wondering the very same.

" Probably some jerk visitor in the neighborhood," I told him, as I unbuckled my seatbelt.

I padded to the Jaguar, my eye heavy over the body. It was new most defiantly, very shiny forest green and the model was looking like it was a F-Type convertible and looked very recent. The Jaguar screamed single especially since it was a two door. The license plate read, "NOSTRNGSATCHD", very much the car of a single guy.

I sneered and walked back to my car, I grabbed Joshua as Nathan unlocked the door. We shuffled in the warm house, my eyes inspecting the place. Not a single dust bunny in sight.

Wow Quinn did an excellent job, I thought, for free too.

Nathan deserted to the main floor bathroom, rushing to relive himself.

I went upstairs with Joshua, his limp body didn't weigh down my arms. The doctor advised me that I better not let Joshua be alone for a while and it's best if I make him sleep in my bedroom until they do a follow up on the situation. Quinn told me she put new sheets and even bought us new sheets. I could see not a speck of dust in our hallways and the vacuum cleaner lines were still on the carpet and the air mixed together a fresh scent of Febreze and Windex.

I kissed his forehead and smiled but it fell quickly.

It was Blaine before my eyes but it wasn't just Blaine.

I saw Blaine furiously grinding and fucking some dude on my squeaking bed, his balls slapping against some firm ass that wasn't mine. None of this was mine.

" OHHHH FUCK BlAINE!" the guy bellowed, slutty noises evacuated his mouth as he was pumped up and down on Blaine.

Anger on my eyes, I ran out of the doorway, still holding a sleeping Joshua I heard foot steps.

"Daddy what is that noise?" I heard Nathan say. Snapping out of my gaze, I bounced out of there, the carpet muting my stomping feet, my son still in my arms, almost dropping him. Who the hell fucks in my bed? I paid for this goddamn house! Why are they fucking in my bed?

I want to leave. Yes, I need to leave…but where? I have no money after I paid off the rest of the hospital bill and Blaine took off with the money and knowing him probably gave it to his father who is notorious for putting his money and his sons money in Swiss banks. Rachel isn't here, she and Finn went somewhere, I don't really know.

I should go to my father's, I thought as lay Joshua on the sofa and tell Nathan to shush and stay on the couch. I run around the house in a panic, looking for clothes. Radically racing around , I went downstairs only to see baskets of neatly folded clean laundry but I ripped of the note that read , SORRY I DIDN'T PUT IT AWAY! DON'T KNOW YOUR WAYS LOL!-QUINN, but I wanted to scream thank you. The only things going through my mind was to get the hell out of there.

I jumped under the crawl space fast and grabbed a couple of my many old Jenny Craig gym bags I keep getting as a yearly gift, and sprinted out without even hitting my head on the ceiling. From then I began unzipping the bags in the laundry and threw all the clothes in the bags. I ran up the basement stairs, stopping to throw a second glance to check if I missed anything. Nathan's school uniform, pressed and ready to wear, on the ironing board caught my eye. I raced down, snatched it and I bolted up the stairs again. Upon getting back to the first floor, my laptop was the first thing I grabbed when I reached the first floor, as well as the chargers and its case. Frantic nerves in my body upon hearing the excessive moaning begin to vibrate through the ceiling in the living room. I ran to the front hall and Nathan and Joshua were still there, patiently waiting for me.

" Honey I need you to go to the car, ok," I said to Nathan, soft spoken, trying to spread positivity like therapist said I should try.

He nodded, getting up and opening the door, I felt the cold air rush through the house. I walked away for a second but I could still feel it. I walked right to the front door only seeing Nat's habit of leaving the door open come to reality. He does that a lot and I don't understand why he does, nobody else in my family does that.

" Hey babe," I heard a voice that sounded very deep and totally not Lima. That guy Blaine fucked is prancing around and I heard a babe from him. Are they serious? I asked myself.

" Yeah," Blaine said, sounding too pleased. I heard a giggle and some rustling of the sheets, than some moans. I cringed just hearing that noise.

In the kitchen, I grabbed the emergency medical kit and all of Joshua's medication as well as my pills. I raced to the living room again and with a little room left in the bags I grabbed a couple of the blankets and pillows that adorned the sofas and shoved them in.

" Okay,okay babe I need to put the heat on cause I feel so cold." Said Blaine's thing from upstairs. I tiptoed, inching closer to the front door until a leather square caught my eye. I need money, something Blaine will always have thanks to his money bags father.

I opened it and I saw Blaine's ID, a pic of Nat and Joshua, and what looked like Blaine in front of the CN Tower. I cant remember the city but I knew Blaine must have went to Canada at some point. I pulled the money flap open, my shaking fingers pondering if I should or shouldn't.

" The fucking heat is on Alexis," Blaine said with a giggle following his lover's mouth. Footsteps again but this time they were louder. I panicked and I knew they were coming close. Quickly shutting the wallet and quietly ran up to the front hall, pausing every few seconds. I heard Blaine and his "Alexis" giggle and I waited until I heard the footsteps stop.

" Blaine is the door open?"

" No… I don't think so…is it?"

" Well it could explain it."

I heard footsteps again and I rushed out with all the bags looped on my arms. I picked up a sleepy Joshua carefully slipping on my boots. I look up the stairs but no one yet. As a final act, closing the door behind us. Not a peep erupted from it.

My staircase is quite long so by the time I shoved Joshua in the car, I ran to the front seat pushing all the bags in the front seat, revered out of the driveway, I sped down the lane.

My nerves were shot, I couldn't believe the fucking mission impossible I had to go through just to get some fucking bare necessities. I drove into a convenience store parking lot sliding the car into the first spot I see. I race out, grabbing all the bags on the front seat and plopping them in the trunk. Opening the door to Joshua's side I fixed him up in his seat belt, wrapping his neck in that u-shaped pillow. I covered him up in the blankets and I kissed his forehead.

I look over to Nathan and all he did was stare out of the window, like what we just did in our house was perfectly fucking normal. I was going crazy trying to appear normal and Nathan was pulling it off effortlessly.

The sun was setting fast and I knew the night could dip below zero. I closed the car door to Joshua's side and I began to pace back and forth on the pavement. I went to the trunk, and just looking at it, knowing that my sons and I possibly could be spending a couple nights in my car with my kids only made me angry. Blaine didn't want anything to do with us, if he did he wouldn't be fucking some guy named Alexis on my bed.

Blaine, that fucking douchebag. I want to hate him, oh I want to hate him, but I love him more than anything.

Just hearing that voice made me want to die. I almost wanted to interrupt Blaine fucking that guy but I couldn't, I'm weak.

I hit the car trunk a couple times, throwing my fist against it, repeatedly, Nathan turning to see me then putting his head forward. I punched it like Blaine punched me, feeling power over the single act of throwing a fist full of fingers. I want to scream, I just want to kick everything, but my only fist savagely attacked the trunk. The car bounced back every time I did but I only came back harder. My sore knuckles bled a little, cracking from the cold winds. I stopped, my arms shaking.

I pulled out a cigarette, lighting it between my shaking fingers. I did a deep suck of smoke and let it flow through my tattered nerves. Blowing the smoke back, with my head tilted forward, my chin retiring on my chest. The pain went away but I will see him again.


	12. Chapter 12

Here is another chapter again. A lot has changed since my last update. not the chapter last but the one before. i have a new job and i am going into university soon. I moved, I lost a family member, i gained a new one, etc. so life had happened and if you cant quite grasp why i haven't updated well i don't know either. I also stopped watching glee too. i am still a fan but not really of the new people, plot, and overall expectations. Besides, im still a klaine fan but i hate the direction of where they are going. please comment, it makes my day when you do! Enjoy reading!

When the cigarette was down to the stub, I felt my cell buzz. I pulled it out and saw it was Quinn.

"Hey Quinn," I said, happy to hear from someone.

"Kurt you have to leave town," Quinn said, sounding serious.

"Why?"

"Kurt, it's about Blaine…he knew you left the house and that you won't let him see the kids or something. He said he was going to call the cops if he found you. You have to leave now because you could go to jail." Quinn warned.

Standing flabbergasted, in the parking lot of a convenient store, I wasn't that not that far from home. "Oh my goodness, I'm not that far from home!" I thought, pinkie at him trying to find us.

I walked back to the front seat and sat in it, placing my phone on the dashboard, starting the car and of course , bothering to put on my seat belt, rushing with the clip with my intention to only to get the fuck out of here.

"What else did he say," I asked in the speaker phone, my paranoia kicking glancing even more around my mirrors as I drove.

"I don't know, mostly about how now you know how it feels to come home and see what he saw before."

I pinched the bridge of my nose, my eyes still on the road, "He would mention that. Anything else Quinn?"

"Nope, but I didn't tell him anything either. Just, go find a hotel room, steer clear. "

"I can't, I need the rest of my cash for Joshua, and I need it for his meds." I say, whispering in the phone.

I hear nothing on the line, and I know she probably hung up. I hear no dial tone though, until her voice came back on," Well than come stay with me. He will never suspect a thing, ever."

"Are you sure? I don't want to trouble-"

"Just stay with me please, here, rent free."Quinn said, trying to convince me.

"I'm only staying a few nights Quinn," I said, my words rushed.

"I don't think so…Blaine told me he is taking the house. He told me on the phone."

"He told you all of this in a two minute phone call? He barely tells me his work schedule," I said, shocked he would do something like that.

"I know you bought it but he told me the family and divorce judge here in Lima allows the innocent partner anything of their choosing. That could mean money, property, stocks, and even child custody. Also since he presumably makes more then you then you will have a lower advantage."

That was the last straw.

"Quinn I'm pulling in your driveway road okay? I will see you in five minutes." I said, pulling my phone off my ear and slamming my thumb on the off beyond everything, I sped down the drive.

The clock reads 8:00pm on my dash when I pull into Quinn's house, which is a mansion. Pulling up, the cobblestone driveway is one of those circle one's that I only see in Victorian British houses on Downtown Abbey, that had rows of bushes that in the spring flower into beautiful tiny purple lavenders. At the front door stood Quinn, waving elegant in her Pink camisole and robe ad had on her slippers, despite the bitter cold. The lights weren't on, probably to make sure no one sees the house. In the night, when the house has no lights, her street, a quiet road that has no lights then the dark night sky swallows the house in blackness, invisible to the world it exists in.

I got out of the Honda, making eye contact with Quinn, I smiled for once at her kind eyes, as she watched me stumble out. She stepped down the few steps and walked to the trunk and opened up the latch and quickly grabbed the bags and ran to the house before she froze her ass off. She didn't stay in though she walked right back out to help, making me feel like I still had a friend.

"Quinn please, it's alright. You-you already done too much for my family," I said to Quinn, yanking open Nathan's door and trying to push the sleeping Nathan awake. He awoke but his eyes were still half closed, but I managed to get him out of the car where Quinn guided him to the house. I went to the other side, grabbing Joshua who was still out cold. I slammed to car door with my leg and quickly went to the front door as Quinn walk in the opposite direction past me.

"Where are your keys, Kurt?" asked Quinn from near my car, asking me off guard.

"Why do you want them?"

"He might come by…just let me put it in the garage, okay? He won't suspect a thing."

"When did he call you to tell you that he was coming by? And why did you say don't come over?" I asked, scared that there was nowhere to hide anymore.

"About twenty minutes ago so he could be here any second. I tried by the way, but he insisted and I didn't want to look suspicious so I didn't lock up the estate." She said, looking like a guilty puppy.

I sighed, tired that I was still running away. Taking the rest of stuff from my car quickly and giving her my keys. Quinn shoved my piece of shit probably next to her sleek Lexus. Her garage is in the back of the house, with a little road from the driveway that leads to a mahogany barn converted to a garage.

I shuffled the boys through the house all the way to the kitchen back door. She has about an acre of land, all fenced behind her. This while properly is fenced and locked but Quinn doesn't usually because it takes about 20 minutes by car to check and lock all the openings in her property, which she has about three or four. One in the front, the main. The second is in the backyard, from a little tiny dirt road and the third is a walkway in the front. I can't remember the fourth but I know it's the shortest route to get in and out of the estate, but for the life of me I never use it.

We waited until Quinn parked and she ran up the backdoor, grabbing the limping Joshua. It wasn't a far walk, only about five minutes until we reached her poolhouse.

Quinn told me that she set up the pool house real nice and her and her maid cleaned it up for hours, as we hustled our way over. The pool house was one story with a basement wasn't bigger or anything, just an average size stucco pool house but the detailed engraved-flowers on the granite archway over the door made Rachel's floral arch and white picket fence cry in shame.

Quinn unlocked the door and opened it, but never turned on the lights inside. She showed me to my room and a room with a bunked for the boys, which I lay Joshua the bottom with Nathan tired climbing atop the bunk, with me behind him in case he decided to fall back. I changed Joshua from his hospital pajamas to his soft warm winter fleece, covering him up with the thick blankets on the bed. I stood up and walked over to one bag looking for at least clean underwear for Nathan when my phone buzzed a text:

HE IS HERE! DON'T TURN ON A SINGLE LIGHT!STAY OUT OF THE LIVING ROOM AND KITCHEN JUST BE IN YOUR ROOM/THE BOYS ROOM!-Quinn

I freeze, my body stunned. If I make a move will he find me? I hear nothing but the quiet snores of both my children, so I tiptoe to the room's door peeking out of the door only to see through the large windows the shallot shadows of Quinn, Blaine, and some tall guy. She drew the yellow curtains but I could see enough that Blaine was facing pissed. He was walking around, legs extending long and fast, while Quinn stood by hands in her hip. Blaine stopped putting his hands in his eyes, looked like he was rubbing it than he was pulled in for a hug by the tall guy. I looked on fearful that Blaine would just get his anger streak fired up again, maybe hit anything in sight or probably just be ripping apart the house looking for me, scaring Quinn in telling the truth.

Quinn's arm punted in the direction of the front door, and I saw the shadows of Blaine and his guy fade away but Quinn stood still. I waited as I watched Quinn fade away, impatiently waiting for a response, my balls sweating up a storm.

I heard an engine rev up and speed away, very loud too, defiantly from the Jaguar that was on my driveway. I heard the loud engine fade away and I knew the coast was clear but I needed a text from Quinn to tell me it was alight. Waiting at the door, I kept glancing at my phone every second fixed on the idea that the second I look away I will get a text. No messages came.

Maybe she forgot, I thought, but she isn't one to do that.

I texted her but no response came. I did this every couple minutes and after 20 minutes I didn't get a response. I wanted to talk to her so why is she making me wait?

Taking a deep breath, I tiptoed out of my room to the pool house front door, trying to see if I saw any more figures through the windows. I didn't see anyone not been Quinn but the lights were still bright through the beige curtains. Quietly opening the pool house door, I crept out gently pulling back the door and locking it with the pool house key. I ran to the back kitchen door and I opened it looking around the entire room. I do a long glance around the kitchen and I tiptoe to the dining room but I can't find her.

"Looking for Quinn?" I heard the voice of someone I rather not see.

I turn around to see Blaine, who looked like a different man than I saw a month ago. He grew his hair out a bit, he had a neat goatee, a piercing on his left lobe and his eyebrow, and the strangest feature that was most defiantly new was his built up arms.

Stood there with my mouth open, shocked that he was just there. I almost wanted it cry, the pain to unleash it was right there. Footsteps to my left, turning my head to see Quinn in the hall coming towards us, her eyes swollen and mouthed sorry to me.

I turned back to Blaine, someone who didn't have the smile I fell in love with. He clenched his fists and stood before me like he was six feet tall but I saw no anger.

"Quinn can you give us a moment?" he asked Quinn, who nodded and walked away to the back door off the pool house. We were alone again, the silence felt between us like three feet of snow.

He walked up to me, I stood still, his face next to my own. Bones cracked hearing his fist clench up near me. His breathing heaved down my neck, making a warm shiver feel down my neck.

"What-what do you want Blaine?" I whispered.

"I want my kids," he said, his arms crossed and his voice didn't even stutter to see me "I want my boys now, like you're in any way fit to have them." When he said those words, only hurt tingled in my body.

"Blaine just leave now," I said, forcing confidence in my voice, "if you don't I'm calling the cops."

Blaine just smiled, his hands pleading innocence, "Oh Kurt, you are going to call the cops, okay do it than," said Blaine, but it sounded like he was calling my bluff, "Call them, I dare you."

I grabbed m cellphone and fumbled it open, dialing only the 9 and the 1 but Blaine put his hand on my phone, " Call them and you could end up in jail tonight, " he said looking up to my eyes, his face looking.

"How? By telling them my husband is drunk and driving?"

He huffed hard, noticeably smelling the Jack Daniels on his breath," Well there's child endangerment when we fought and were constantly high around them, neglect in some cases, drug use, oh and failing to mention that you are fucking insane," he said with a smirk.

I clicked my phone off, and walked away from Blaine, disgusted and angry, trying to ignore him as I went toward the back door.

"Where are you going Kurt, we were just getting started,"

I was angry, angry at Blaine, but most of all, I was mad at myself. I started this whole mess yet I can't end it. I should end it.

On the ball of my foot, I turned to him," Okay Blaine, then if we were getting started but now let us let it end. I am going to assume that you want a divorce or you want the kids or whatever but this whole passive aggressive attitude from you isn't helping. I may have cheated on you but you not the victim in this relationship. You-you abused me verbally and physically, you were intoxicated, you denied couples therapy, and you left without even emailing me or even the kids. I never knew where you were and when I did finally see you at home, you were fucking some guy with a Jaguar on my drivew-"

" And you didn't?" he yelled back, interrupting me. " how do you think it made me feel, finding you in our bed with a stranger when I was with the kids? What makes you so special? I was distraught, angry , disgusted ….so many things… yet you insist that you're the victim? Who the hell are you because you aren't the Kurt I married?" he pointed his shaking finger down at me, but his angry face never faded.

" I ask myself the same question too Blaine but I don't get up and leave to God knows where!"

" Again being the effervescent hypocrite Kurt! Don't you ever get tired of your bullshit?" he asked, his eye squinted and head cocked to the side. I swallowed air.

We were at each others throats, but Blaine was pointing his finger hard shouting, pacing around me. I stood still, my hand on my throat.

" I did it for the boys, Blaine. I wasn't the one who punched their husband and got drunk in front of his children." I choked out, but my voice was strong. " I may be the wrong in this family, but I didn't leave when the going got tough, like you did. I didn't resort to violence and I sure as hell didn't desert my children by choice! If you think I'm weak fine, but I'm a father ad I am damned if my children safety doesn't come first."

He stared at me, as he grabbed an envelope on the table and handed it over to me.

"Im just giving you a taste of your own slutty medicine," he said, his voice oozing, especially emphasizing slutty "Give me the cash you grabbed from my wallet. Unless you spent it on pretty pills for yourself," He said, extending his hand out.

" Is that what you think I am, your gold digger? I didn't steal any of your money," I said.

" Where did you go then? I was at the house for two days with him… where were you?"

" Uh mostly the doctor's, then the insurance of-"

" The doctors?" He looked confused, his eyebrows squashed together.

" Yeah it was for Joshua but they didn't cover his insurance so that's why I went to the insurance office."

"What do you mean for Joshua? His pills are already paid through my insurance. "

It hit me that he didn't know yet. I didn't call him that night maybe because I was utterly focused on Joshua, "They aren't exactly for his pills…," I said. I told him to sit on Quinn's sofa, plopping him down on a sofa. I sat next to him and muttered, "Joshua…tried to kill himself."

Blaine looked up to me shocked, "He tried to kill himself? He-he what?"

I face toward him but he hides his head, "Blaine, come on, we haven't been in his life for a while what do you think? I have his letter if you want to read it." I said, fumbling for it out of my coat pocket, handing the folded paper to him. Looking up, he snatched it and grazed his eyes over Joshua's neat writing. He didn't even finish halfway when he started to cry, putting his hand over his mouth, clenched his eyes and the letter.

I rubbed Blaine back and he started to cry in my arms. I didn't feel awkward and I don't think he felt it either. I clung closer, shedding a tear but I let Blaine feel his grief.

After ten minutes, Blaine, pushed off of my arms and stood up, rubbing his eyes and clearing his throat. He had his back to me and I still sat confused what he was going to do next. I didn't know where to go from there but he exactly knew since he hastily grabbed his cellphone and made a call. He said a mumbled couple of 'years' and 'okay' ending with a "Yeah, I love you."

"Kurt I'm going to leave, alright?" said Blaine, walking up to the front door and grabbing his jacket and shuffling his shoes on. I realized he was leaving and I ran up to the door blocking his path.

"Where do you think you're going? You are finally here and you were obviously looking for me…al and hand me an envelope."

"And you told me that my son tried to die, which you should of told me a long time ago," Blaine said, his brow furrowed, pushing me out of his way. "If you want to talk to me than call my lawyer."

"Blaine I'm not calling your father, he won't even pick up ever."

"You tried calling my father?"

"I wanted to know where you were, but you never answered your phone. He was my only other contact."

"Never call him again, okay? My lawyer's number is in here," said Blaine sternly, pointing to the envelope. It read, Anderson and Anderson Law. So now my father-in-law is just a lawyer to me.

"But don't you want to see your kids? That's why you came here in the first place. They are in the pool house, I could wake them, but they really want to see you again." I said, my body acting like the Berlin wall between him and the door.

"Fine, fine I will see them but I can't for long,"

I don't question why, but I have a feeling that he needs to go home to his boy toy.

We go to the pool house, finding Quinn asleep on the sofa. Anxious is what I would describe Blaine when we tiptoed in the boys bedroom. I school the boys to wake up, Joshua awoke first, and his tired brother awoke second. Blaine bent down to Joshua, eye level, since Joshua could barely sit up.

"Hey Josh," said Blaine, he was smiling, making me smile.

"Hi Dad," said Joshua, "Where were you?"

"I went on a trip but now I'm back," said Blaine, smoothly. He was nervous but his dad mask helped cover it up, "I heard what happened."

"Father told you?" said Joshua, rubbing his eyes with his left hand. Both arms were covered in thick white casts. "Are you mad?"

"Never…it wasn't your fault son,"

"Are you angry at Father?"

I actually wanted to know the answer too.

"Josh it doesn't concern you." Which was the worst thing you could say to him.

"Why?"

"Its adult stuff Josh, don't worry." Blaine said, rubbing his hand into Joshua's head.

Blaine stood up to the top bunk and gave sleepy Nathan a kiss and asked how he was. Nathan reply was a mumble but he wrapped his dad in the big hug, pulling Blaine in, but Nat instantly fell asleep in their embrace but Blaine kept hugging the warm little body.

"Dad," said Joshua, "Can you come here?"

Blaine took Nathan off him and re-tucked him into bed. He bent down to look at Josh.

"What is it bud?"

"Dad if you don't want to be here then why are you pretending?" said Joshua, looking at Blaine straight in the eye. The honest question sent me into a panic.

"I do want to be here son, what makes you think that?" asked Blaine, glaring at me in between. He didn't look happy because his fake smile wasn't present.

" Well you were gone for a bunch of weeks and I guess I thought when you didn't come to see me than you probably just didn't want to be there, "said Joshua, looking down at both of his casts, " If you are here now are you just pretending to love Father or are you here because you were forced too?"

Blaine lips were pursed, and got up and walked out of the door, stomping loudly with every step. Before I could say anything the door slammed, leaving Joshua hanging and I as well.

I walked to Joshua, sniffling quietly in his bed. I sat at his bedside and slide up to beside him, lying down.

"I love you Joshua, always remember that. Your father and I are going through a rough patch but please if you do worry and do get scared please and always tell me. Don't suppress it or anything okay and please, please, don't ever try to go away again." I said, tears running down my face, wrapping him up with my arm.

"Father, I don't know if I can," Joshua cried, tears still rolling.

"It's okay," I say, kissing his head. Closing our eyes, I fell asleep in the arms of innocent while hell was storming over.


	13. Chapter 13

The morning came and went, but we all awoke in the afternoon, thankfully it was a Saturday. I carefully climbed over Joshua and helped his sore little body out of bed. He said he felt pain in his stiches but I didn't have anything to give him.

I walked out to the kitchen, my stomach pained in hunger. The windows poured in the bright sun; hellish to my tired eyes. I trudged to the fridge, grabbing the milk and taking a swig from the carton, staring out of the large wall to floor windows at the cold ugly snow, feeling cozy and safe in this little house. Quinn snored into a couch pillow, looking peaceful.

"Quinn," I said, loudly enough to wake her up from where I was standing, "Quinn, Quinn"

She groaned a lot, she lifted her head up to see my face, her hair a mess, drool over her face, " Kurt shut up!", clunking her head in the sofa.

"Quinn what happened last night?" I said, ignoring her as she groaned.

Quinn just responded back with muffles in the pillow. I tiptoed down to the living room, and poked her back. All she did was make muffling noises again but she titled her head up again, her face look like she wanted to murder me.

"You should know," she snapped back, glaring me over. Shocked, I stood still as Quinn got up and made her way to the mini-kitchen, opening the cupboard and grabbing two bowls.

"Why are you mad at me? I didn't know he was coming over?"

"I wanted you to stay here, I told you that I would text you," she said, raising her voice, sticking her head in the fridge.

"Well I thought he left, I heard a loud car engine so I thought it was him, you know, leaving." I said, with a shrug. She turned around with a scowl on her face, slamming the fridge door, the milk carton in her hand.

"Kurt, you should of seen him," she said, looking down into her bowl"He shouted at me, his boyfriend also chimed in too, trying to tear me down to reveal where you were and…and" Quinn said angrily, her voice rising with every word. I nodded.

With a sigh, she brushed back her few fly-away. "Well they obviously found you…since you couldn't keep yourself hidden."

She walked up and gave me a hug, her eyes swollen red, and I clutched her in the embrace. My nose in her blonde bob, dived into a swirl of strawberry shampoo, stale cigarettes, and Febreze which made me feel a little better about this whole ordeal.

"What else did he say?" I asked, rubbing her back.

"I don't know…just some stupid shit to take me down. I'm sorry but Blaine was such a dick. It didn't help that you showed up."

"I'm sorry…just stupidly entering the situation like that. I should have waited.

Quinn looked up and smiled and I did too. Who would stay mad at her bobbed hair style and kindred spirit? I guess I had charm because neither could she.

"Thank you for apologizing. Besides it wasn't your fault, its Blaine's. Just because you are still married doesn't mean you can apologize for his actions."

"Yeah well Blaine not only has to apologize to you for last night. He tried to get me to sleep with him last night, practically forcing himself on me."

She let go of the embrace, "You're serious?"

I nod, "Deadly serious."

Smirking, she played with my hair, "Well…did you want too?"

I didn't smirk, just pushed her hands away and turned away from her looking through the cupboards for some sort of edible cereal. I just wanted an excuse not to answer the question.

"I know you want too…Kurt…I know you love him still."

"I do love him…but…" I said, getting up from the cupboards, feeling the red run through my face.

"Why you blushing Kurt?" Quinn teased with a smile.

"The whole reason I cheated on Blaine was entirely for his lack of performance in bed. I have been with him for almost 20 years but this rut we had ongoing for about…I don't know…7 years." Quinn nodded, sipping on her coffee.

"And you think trying new things and spicing up in bed would help but it left a dry taste in our mouth. Quinn, he tops and I bottom, with always a condom on because he hates a mess, plus he fucks me only in missionary with a couple of leg change ups. No music, no ambiance, no roleplaying either. Sometimes I would be so horny but I just masturbate because I didn't want the hassle."

She handed me a cup of hot Joe, taking a large sip of the stiff coffee, "I get what you mean…so you cheated on him because of the sex…but couldn't you tell him?"

"It wasn't just that…we have no time to ourselves. The kids hog our time, we barely ask each to her our day. We never talked during sex and after sex plus it took Blaine at least a Viagra to get stimulated. A VIAGRA! Quinn, I just can't-I can't anymore. Besides he found someone he can actually see naked and get his cock up. Good for him…"

"What happened to that guy you cheated with?"

"He left…he told me that he couldn't date guy who has kids. Too much commitment for him." I shrug, sipping the last of my warm coffee.

She paused, her right hand still gripped around her untouched coffee, suddenly snapping in thin air with her left hand, " I know what you should do!," exclaimed Quinn, who grabbed her cell, furiously typed in a couple buttons and flashed me a number.

"Solo, what do you want me to do with this?"

"This is a number to the top couple's therapist in Ohio. He is a miracle this guy, knows how to cure marriages if their main problem is sex, just like you and Blaine have." I wanted to ask how she even would have this number, but I guess lawyers must have these numbers in their back pocket.

"That's not just our only problem, and I do not want to explore that side of our relationship with another stranger. Beside, I'm beginning to warm up to our therapist very much." I said, crossing my arms.

"Well, when was the last time you went to a session with Blaine?" Quinn asked.

"Well he left on a prescribed vacation so I had to go to these sessions. I purchased about 130." I said, so matter of fact.

Quinn's eyes bugged out of her head, "130 sessions! How do you even figure out a number like that? And I know from the prices of therapist that is at least costing you 30 grand. Kurt, you don't have that kind of money! How did you get that kind of money anyhow?"

"I got it from my savings of course…and it's more like 40 grand after she raised her prices" I said, my stress levels high. When money is the topic, my back never seems to stop aching and sweating.

"Kurt you are a teacher! You do not have that kind of money to just throw around! Kurt what is wrong with you! You had 40,000 dollars and you just spent it…you need that money." Quinn said, her voice spoke in panic, hand clenched on her temples.

"Well I had more Quinn but I needed to use it. Therapy is a must for me Quinn… she stated that I needed serious help for my depression" I said while rubbing my temples.

"How did you approach this revelation with your therapist?"

"Well, I was talking and she just flat out stated to me that I'm depressed and I told her I wasn't. We didn't even talk long and she was already pushing subscriptions meds. I left the session feeling so shitty, so it must have been true… plus she less a therapist so her belief in me must be true."

"You shouldn't comply with what the therapist says you are…its like person centered therapy. You have to seek your problems, she can't just tell you Kurt. I feel like she isn't right for you but if you find her helpful then sure, keep doing you."

I knew deep down I wasn't depressed. I knew depressed people, even my son, and I didn't follow any symptoms. My sex drive wasn't low, I woke up easily, I had energy, and no suicidal thoughts.

"So you think she just wanted my money?" I asked.

"No, I don't think so but I don't think she is the right fit. It took me like seven therapists until I found the one I have now… it might take you a little bit of time."

"Time I don't have." I said, exhausted just from hearing this. I already spent so much money and time on this lady, now I might have to get a new lady.

"How many sessions do you have left?" asked Quinn.

"About 125, why?"

"After 5 sessions she diagnosed you?"

"No…she diagnosed me after one" I said real small.

"Kurt you need to get your money back, call her now."

"I don't know if I can; I paid in full."

"You know that is illegal, Kurt. In the state of Ohio, therapists must be paid by session not by a whole."

"Really?" Dumbfounded as I was pouring my almond juice.

"Kurt…you didn't know that? Didn't you look up the laws and codes therapist have and your rights with them?"

"No," I said, my back and arms hot and sweating. The cool juice poured down my throat easing me nerves.

Hearing a tsk-tsk, my face grew redder. How could I be so stupid? For the insane theory that all therapists are good and gracious, my therapist just tricked me.

"Don't get upset Kurt," Quinn said, pouring herself a drink of the soy variety from the fridge and then seeped a little whiskey into her glass, "I'll try to help you. Besides I need a good case. Work has been boring lately."

I chugged my almond drink then took some of her drink. The bitter nut taste almost made me sick "I shouldn't be drinking this early in the morning."

"Its five o'clock somewhere," Quinn said, smiling at her cliché.

"Aim going to take a jog…want to join me?" I turned to Quinn, but she shook her head.

"I'm going to get the kids dressed and give Joshua a bath,"

"That's thoughtful of you...but Quinn don't strain yourself, please." I said, running over to my room.

"It's alright," Quinn said, loud enough from the room.

I slip into basketball shorts and an oversized grey shirt, grabbing my runners and dashing to the front door. The thermometer read cold below zero but I could bear it.

I didn't sprint, only putting ease on my legs with a simple walk. At the gate, I started to jog. No music, just strong wind to hear, but it brought back a memory I thought I long forgotten.

A couple years ago Rachel must have stumbled, but I use the term loosely, on my Sirius radio the Broadway and Show tunes channel. Rachel never stumbles upon a Broadway anything, she is always has an ulterior motive.

A ballad from my late and great musical sifted by our ears, erupting into tension between us. The song was filled with soft piano melodies harmonizing with the piercing female soprano and male lead that sang beautifully on the struggles and contrasts the two characters deeply share leaving audiences breathless. I would know, since I wrote the play. Even the thought of hearing any song I wrote brings me regret, not the song, but the negative vibe around it. I wrote this song in like ten minutes after Blaine and I had a very passionate night after a stressful and difficult day, which really reflected in the song perfectly.

"Change the channel Rach," I remember saying, but my fingers were already on the dial.

She pouted but I guess she knew that I didn't want to hear anything about this song. I never hold on to much music nowadays and I haven't really heard much top forty anymore except for the crappy kids music the boys play but it's mostly Christian music, Blaine's idea of innocent music.

Starting to pick up the pace, I pushed my leg muscles to the max, forcing the burn to feel strong in my calves. Quinn lives somewhere isolated in town, making the nearest anything a thirty minute drive, which is fifteen minutes of the drive would just be racing down her driveway.

An hour or so passed and I finally made it to the "bustling" downtown Lima, but the cold March air finally caught up to my hot and sweaty body which by the way was in need of cold water. Sprinting down Main Street my eyes graced the presence of my high school hangout, The Lima Bean.

I swooped the heavy door open with only one arm, my other draping over my sweaty brow. The air was stale with coffee beans, my nose fresh from the cold air breathed the smell of mediocre coffee

After 25 years, only the green mildew on the crowning and the Asbestos was the only visible chronic threat. My eyes grazed the sticky coffee counters, uncleansed and with piles of discarded sugar, with thickened dust over the cash register. I slouched down in a chair like a champ, my eyes closed and I took in a deep couple of breaths one louder than the next. Thankfully my few glances of the place was only semi-full with old people, no one recognized at all.

I stood up, walked to the counter and ordered a medium drip, an old favorite. Almost instantly it was made quickly but mostly due the slow day. I paid the girl and left a dollar tip, which met with an eye roll from the cashier. Gripping the warm cup, I turned only to fall smack in the last person I wanted to see all day, Sebastian.

"Oh hi Sebastian," I said, checking cup for spills. His smile looked genuine, but never trust such a man, no matter how much he matured.

"Kurt! How have you been?" Sebastian said, his grin wider and his eyes twinkling.

"I've been better," I said, combing fingers through my hair, "How about you?"

"Come sit down," Sebastian said, gesturing to the table beside us, making me comply reluctantly. I grabbed my chair before Sebastian could pull any gentlemen kind of move out on me.

"I have new," Sebastian said, like we are best friends confiding in one another. I nod, bored.

"Thomas and I are getting a divorce," Sebastian exclaimed, never letting go of his happy tone. My eyes shift to the door, waiting to leave.

"Thomas and I were drifting away but ever since Julia arrived she made me realize that Thomas is just not the father and man I wanted in my life. I filed for divorce a week after we met up…you kind of helped me come to terms with my feelings,"

"I helped? Sebastian, trust me, I am the last person you need help from especially in the marriage department." I said, almost pleading.

"I know you're going through a divorce-"Sebastian started in.

"I'm going through a separation…its different."

"Well Blaine thinks otherwise," Sebastian said snide, my skin sweating up an itch.

"What are you talking about?"

"A little birdie told me that you were in fact getting a divorce and that maybe the little birdie told me that he was seeing other people."

"Well that little birdie wasn't exactly lying" I said, sighing. Blaine would tell the world our marriage issues. I wonder what else he told him.

"Yeah, he called me up the other day…and well he told me,"

"That's all he told you?" I said, rolling my eye from Sebastian to my cell phone. I could feel Sebastian getting annoyed. Good let him, I thought.

"Yeah," Sebastian said exasperated, but I knew there was more. I have two boys, if they give me a lie I can sniff it out in less than a minute.

I stared deep in his green eyes, looking for him to spill his many secrets. In a way I felt like detective from law and order but the dim lighting from flour cent bulb and early 2000s pop was my only backdrop in reality. So yeah I felt very Law and Order.

He was nervous too, his smile faded and I could feel him ready to crack. I withdrew but I concluded with an "I believe you", before sipping.

"Okay…well there may have been more than that Kurt," Sebastian said, feeling the truth wash over me.

"Oh really there's more?" I said sarcastically with a snarky smile, eyeing Sebastian.

He gave me "He asked me if I wanted to go over to…well to put it," Sebastian said, but he leaned in, whispering, "join him in the hot tub."

He pulled back from my ear, but he looked pitiful, but I felt dumbfounded. I knew he was screwing that one guy…but was he really defiling our hot tub? (For the record he didn't even want it in the first place).

"Well…did you?" I asked desperate, gripping my coffee cup.

"No…honestly I told him no. He wanted me too because other than you, I was the only other single gay guy he knew in town. Well and his new Canadian lover he mentioned briefly but I could tell he wanted more. Besides I have toy-"

"Okay I get it," I interrupted with my hands seizing him to stop, my stomach just churning.

"You probably don't believe me though… after my whole reputation as Dalton cum slut I guess you probably don't care what I have said, right?"

I wanted to nod. He knew but I didn't admit it.

"Whatever Kurt… I am going to head out. Good luck with your life. "Sebastian said with irritation grating down my back, who abruptly stood from his chair, storming out of the Lima Bean doors. Through the large windows I saw him make a bee line left to the parking lot.

Should I? I thought, my feet didn't listen. I saw him three feet from his car from across the street parking lot.

Just go for it Kurt! I ran after him, but at such a long distance, I could lose him. He hastily unlocked his car doors with his fumbling keys but I picked up my speed. I caught him trying to open his door but I put my hand on his door latch.

"Kurt let go," he said, annoyed obviously.

"No," I said, firmly "But hear me out…I do believe you. Just hear me out… I guess I just don't believe Blaine anymore. I guess we just fell out of love with each other. A part of me love him but I guess he no longer holds onto that part anymore and I am having such difficulty accepting that I'm the one who started this whole mess when he won't even forgive me. I guess I just have to move on, you know… I believe this will take a lot out of me but thank you for being honest with me." I grip his hand as he lets go of the lever, staring at his wet eyes, his smile appears and I too smile.

"Thanks Kurt…I guess I also have to learn how to move on too," he said, pulling me into a hug. In embrace, Sebastian pulled back leaning forward his lump lips on mine. Kissing back, warmth spread up my spine, to my neck, as Goosebumps lay after.

He protrude a little tongue and I let him, we kissed longer that way. The hair on my neck stood up, as he kissed down my chin to my neck, leaving me whispering his name, Sebastian.

The nice warmth stop as he took his lips mine but my hands still gripped his arms.

"I can't…I'm sorry," Sebastian said, stammering out a few words. His cheeks were bright red.

"No it's alight…I have to get going anyways…the boys and I are staying at Quinn's and her house is quite a while away," I said, nervous that what I was saying was going to get me killed.

"Let me give you a ride, it's on my way," Sebastian said, fixing his tie and adjusting his collar.

"How do you know where Quinn lives?"

"We're neighbors, "Sebastian said, I nodded. Made sense, his ex is a wealthy surgeon.

"Cool, sure thanks," I said, as I walked around the car. I sat in his warm car breathing in the smells of leather, warm coffee, and the lingering scent of cigarettes, Newport's I think, was also stale in the air.

"You smoke?" I asked, looking over at Sebastian as he clicked over his seatbelt.

"A little…only when I'm stressed. I smoke only Newport's…kind of trashy I know," Sebastian admitted, as he swiftly reversed from the lot, and without putting his signal on turned a left on the empty lanes, "You smoke too?"

"Yep…little too but I can't seem to quit,"

"Same…you want one?"

My eyelids rose, for Sebastian was very generous to share such luxury. He was willing to drive me and offering me a cigarette, which at a price of $ 3.99 a cigarette each, is very generous, "No I couldn't…..they cost quite a lot. Besides, I am trying to quit,"

"It's cool, I work for them. I get free products from them…but being a lawyer for the big tobacco company tends to get you negative press. Besides cigarettes still sell well, it's those darn health companies who are the real asses. I swear I get so much fucking hate mail and the fact that my ex was a doctor didn't help…he tried to get me to quit not only smoking but my job… but yeah.. Fuck what fights did we'd get into sometimes, I swear. Plus I couldn't even flicking smoke at home anymore, I mean I couldn't smoke outside or even in the garage. That's why I go to the Lima Bean, I drive here and smoke on the patio with my morning coffee, but I guess it's become a habit now," Sebastian said, with annoyance laced in his voice.

"Blaine let me smoke but I guess he also gave me the same shame, besides I don't smoke in the house so it's not a big deal. I would never even smoke in front of my kids," I said blankly, staring out the window into the plain farm scenery.

"Same, not that she would be influenced, she is a baby. I know that cigarette can damage her health greatly, I'm not an ignorant tobacco company lawyer, "Sebastian said, firmly trying to end this conversation.

I nodded, bred by his words, thinking back to our kiss. To him it looked like a mere handshake almost. I glanced over to him, but he was cool as a cucumber, with a dangled cigarette alit in his mouth. The silver smoke wraps around him like a fitted scarf, with dark interior brightens green eyes, drawing me closer to him.

He keeps babbling but all I hear is silence. Perfect silence.

Maybe I was horny, a connection at best.

To feel a connection is hard for me, like with Blaine of course but Aiden, only ever was he a filler.

Sebastian hand cranked back and forth on the gear and grunted when he did so. Crank-Crank, "Grunt ….Groh." Noises only fuelled Sebastian.

The car ride was silent after a while and kind of awkward too, as he rolled up to Quinn driveway, parting our way, I'm always grateful when the tension ends and Sebastian was no exception to that. I like to feel welcome on a ride, no wonder I never rode the bus to school, use to drive my mom nuts when she would drive me to school.

I stepped out checking out of the Mercedes observing the surroundings but all I saw were the dead lifeless trees, with drying snows laid by its roots that lay around the perimeter of her property, it was only us and the silence.

I walked over to his diver side window, tapping the glass with my knuckle. He rolled his window down, his sunglasses had my face mirrored, his smile flashed at me, "What is it?"

"Thanks for the ride," I said, showing a slight smile, which looked real creepy in his glasses, "Probably about to rain so I probably didn't want to get caught up in it,"

"No problem," Sebastian said, with his grin wider, "Anytime for a friend."

I smiled at my "friend". A friend of Sebastian? This was more of a rare title given by him- at Dalton I heard from Wes that he never had any friends expect Hunter but they were really only acquaintances.

"Here," I said, pulling from my pocket my never really been used before business card. They were plain white card with four lines of black script; my cheapness evident in the card. He takes it and looks it over, snatching his wallet with one hand, and putting it in one of his empty card slits. From my view, I saw his platinum credit card, a couple of fifties and a hundred and I think a dollar but it might have been another hundred. He also had business cards, sleek shiny black ones with matte gold script. I accepted his business card as well. There was also a cute picture in the wallet frame of his daughter, asleep in her nappy, next to what I think was a huge grey dog.

"Call me anytime," I said, my voice trying to emit confidence but what came out was only sad courage.

His smile spread, "I will," he says in a promising voice.

I say goodbye and run up to the stairs of the house, and at the top I watch him drive away down the road. In the horizon I watch him make a left at the brink of the driveway, until I no longer see him, I walk inside.

I lean alone, on the cold double doors, on the line. I peer down at my shoes, old ratty New Balance runners gawk back at me, a smirk that won't be slapped.

I walk to the huge mirrored wall Quinn has in her foray, tiptoeing a toe when I walk into the reflective picture. I can see a tall man of 6 ft., with mousey brown hair glued by sweat. His grey eyes are old, small creases around my eyes. His hair is thick but it is greying on the temples. He defiantly lost his muscles from his youth, looking sickly thin, considering he probably haven't ate much in weeks. His pale skin defiantly makes him look weak. It almost hurts to know that the man in the mirror is me. But the cheeks on my face, all red, hurt me the most.

He kissed me, I thought feeling so, so, so something. My face tells me something, but nothing comes.

I kissed Sebastian but I never expected too, it just happened. He was lonely, I was lonely so maybe us just kissing was helpful enough to ease the pain of it. He seems happy enough.

I ran up to her second floor, and peered from my shoulder on the top of the stairs out the big window that overlook the driveway, watching his Mercedes sped off. Quinn's bedroom has large French double doors that lay at the end of the hallway. Swinging the doors, her bed is topped with simple white Ikea sheets and cookie cutter furniture to match the silk wallpaper and ivory crown molding (she always insists that is the epitome of her mother's tacky taste). Sweeping through the marble floored room, I swept my dry fingers over the fluffy white cashmere towels, layered on the shelves and counters. They felt warm probably since the echo of the vacuum downstairs meant the maid just cleaned up.

I closed and locked the door, striping off all my clothes right down to my birthday suit. I tiptoed to the shower that stands an impressive seven feet height and with a width and length of four feet, the shiny limestone graced me with its presence as I bowed into the shower. The water fell down as I stepped down, its automatic Quinn told me and the water didn't feel cold at all, hot from the first drop.

Grabbing the lufa, I poured on the peach vanilla soap which is a little girlie to me but I could find much else. I lather up my hair with some discount shampoo and continuer. Quinn is weird like that, filthy rich but acts like she is the last one to know.

I rinse under the hot water, my cold body becoming quite red and hot. My skin is red and warm like cherry tomatoes but between my thighs started to come up.

I grimaced away from it, disgusted at my body. I stepped out of the shower, leaving wet footprints to grab my towel on the door hook. I rubbed myself dry and rush past the mirror, picking up my a strewed clothes.

My hand reaches out on the counter to grab my dirty clothes, only to smell the putrid scent of sweat and bacteria building up.

I probably should of grabbed clothes beforehand but I don't always think smart. I race downstairs to the kitchen. I see from the large window doors through their large windows Quinn and my sons were just watching TV.

The strong winds sway the bare trees harder and the noises from the house settling hurt my ears, feeling it yell. I just stood with a towel around my hips feeling cold just looking outside, waiting to be ready.

DING DONG

The ding rang loud in my head, I didn't hear the maid at the door, hell I didn't hear the vacuum. She must have left, leaving me without much choice. Maybe I shouldn't answer it.

DING-DONG

My finger crossed, praying to be a Mormon on the other side.

DING DONG

My finger were red.

The knock that was quite loud came after it.

I took a deep breath, walked over to the door

I opened it to see Sebastian, his face smirked as he grazed over me. I didn't flush nor did I hide from his eyes.

"Going somewhere?" he asked, his eyes darting on my body.

"Why are you here?" I asked, but he answered by handing over my cellphone.

I smile and say the common thank you, pining a mental post-it to perform an autopsy on it later. The cool spring night air only made me want to leave this conversation more and resort to my bed.

"I have to get going," He said, "but I was going to give your phone tomorrow but it was ringing so I guess you probably should get it. Don't worry- I didn't peek or anything." Grinning like an idiot, his excuse was showing horribly. I said my goodbyes and closed the door fast.

I went out the kitchen and stepped through the backdoor and pranced to the pool house, a good ten meters away, and the cold winds slapping my wet skin with the knife of a wind. I shivered as I entered the cold pool house with the door slowly opening, I tiptoed past them, going unnoticed. I ran to my room quickly changing into a more appropriate pair of dark blue straight leg jeans and a button up baby blue, red and navy plaid shirt, tucked in of course.

"Daddy your back!" Nathan exclaimed, embracing me in a hug as I walked out to the little living room. Quinn lay out on the couch with Joshua, showing him a couple of movies, whispering something in his ear, asking him giggle. I lit up, I couldn't believe it to my ears.

Joshua didn't come across to many people as a laugh out loud kind of guy and even if we had movie night and watched some comedy that, of course, age appropriate for kids that made even me laugh, but it was rare to hear even a giggle from him. He's damaged my son, it makes me sad to say but he is much damaged. He will get better, hopefully.

"Hey bud," I said, kneeling down and squeezing him back with a hug.

Nathan goes back to the couch and snuggles into Quinn staring into the TV, not even butting in to the movie decisions.

I move to sit beside Joshua, still in his pajamas and holding a bowl of dry Cheerios to eat. His arms were covered in casts but his tiny fingers manage to scoop up one or two cheerios. I tell him he needs a shower since he was quite smelly and my insurance wasn't covered for showers in hospitals.

Joshua just nodded, and didn't even seem upset that I was taking him away from his movie. I brought him to the bathroom, unstripped him carefully and soothed him if he was crying. He could walk but he was skittish and very embarrassed that I left the bathroom door open. I only left it open in case I needed to call Quinn but he wasn't having it.

I'd shut it but I guess my overprotective instinct was in effect, but then again maybe I'm just good parent.


End file.
